


Oil and Water

by bigcatsandkatanas



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, residual Walter/Skyler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 09:37:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 67,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1105258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigcatsandkatanas/pseuds/bigcatsandkatanas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ready to accept his father's new relationship, Walt Jr. asks for a family dinner at his father's condo. Unknowingly the dinner sets off a domino effect of worlds colliding and the asking of that one nagging question, how on earth did Jesse and Walt become a couple?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU, it'll be explained eventually through flashbacks. Takes place after Season 2. Hope you dig it, I'd love feedback and comments and stuff cause I like to hear what you guys think. This is my try at writing something fluffy since it's almost too easy for me to write dark fics in this fandom. I looked this over but there still might be typos, bear with me and enjoy!

A buzzer buzzed.

Jesse opened his eyes slowly to see his arm extended out, the cordless phone ringing. He shifted a bit but was disappointed when the phone continued to ring, it wasn’t the wrong number like he was hoping. Someone was definitely calling and it was probably important. Reluctantly he sat up, against the wishes of the man next to him who grunted in his sleep.

“Mr. White…Mr. White,” Jesse shook him when he saw the name on the caller I.D. “It’s Skyler, she’s calling.”

Rubbing his hand up and down his shoulder soothingly, he coaxed Walt into waking up, “Oh…you sure.”

“Yeah it says,” it was a wonder it was still ringing. Walt probably answered on what was going to be the last ring.

“Hey. Hey you. How’s it going?”

Jesse smoothed down his hair then adjusted his oversized shirt before looking over to his partner who was lost in conversation with his ex-wife.  The paperwork had just gone through but Jesse didn’t feel much ill will towards her. He actually wanted her approval and to be on friendly terms, he liked things that way, it’d be good for him and the kids. Not that he had seen the kids yet, Walt was the sort who would go for family dinners, Jesse not necessarily invited.

Baby steps, Walt would say.

Jesse would blindly nod and accept.

“Yeah yeah…I’m ok with that. And you’re absolutely sure? You’re bringing the kids? What about Hank and Marie?”

There was something wrong, Walt looked troubled and a little bit sweaty but whatever it was there was no way out of it, or so it seemed. After a long conversation about Holly’s progress, Walt hung up. Looking on concerned, Jesse bit his fingernail before getting the news.

Jesse’s gaze must have been intense because Walt caved in immediately before he even had to ask. “Ah. Walt Jr. is adamant that he wants to meet you.”

“I thought he was angry,” Jesse continued to bite his nail, now furrowing his brow.

“Not anymore, I suppose,” when it clicked he suddenly arose to correcting what Jesse had said, “He wasn’t necessarily upset, certainly not with you. It’s just an adjustment period. Now he wants to meet you, he wants to see us…together”

The last word seemed significant and Jesse’s ears perked up, he could never get used to it but he liked hearing Walt say it.  

_Together._

“So does that mean I gotta cook or you gotta cook,” Jesse cheekily spoke, giving Walt a soft playful look. 

Walt smiled and shut his eyes.

Cook?

It reminded him of earlier days, before everything got messier than it already was. They hadn’t cooked meth together for a long while but that’s obviously not what he meant. Jesse wasn’t a part of that aspect of his life anymore, although he did miss having him by his side in the superlab. Not that Gale wasn’t a good enough assistant, he was just far too good. It was starting to feel a bit like a job, Walt going along with the procedure with his head elsewhere, wherever Jesse was, probably choking on a deep fried burrito, or his head buried in books back at the community college.

“We’ll see. Maybe we’ll just order out and pretend we did all the cooking. Come over here,” he roughly pulled Jesse onto his lap, which the other man eagerly complied with. 

“You’ve been watching too much Mrs. Doubtfire,” Jesse giggled.

“You got any classes today?”

Raising his bright blue eyes up, Jesse looked lost in thought searching for whether or not anything of importance was planned in his classes.  Unbeknownst to him he was looking absolutely breathtaking to Walt, messed up dirty blonde hair, rosy lips and just enough of a stubble on his sweet flushed face to be prickly against his own when he’d kiss him.  Walt’s hands were doing that thing where they were on the verge of wanting more, just lingering at the elastic of Jesse’s boxers as he held him.  Jesse could read him perfectly, he squirmed enough just to be a tease, the friction driving Walt a little mad. 

“Nope. Nothing this morning. Afternoon maybe, I dunno.”

“Ah. I think I can afford to get to work a little late,” Walt’s voice started to sound deeper with want and haste. 

“What about Gale? He gonna get upset you aren’t there on time? Isn’t he anal about stuff like that?”

“I’m not thinking about him right now. I couldn’t give a shit.”

“What are you thinking about, then,” it was about as clear as the day that shined through the blinds of their bedroom. 

“Take a wild guess,” Walt spoke into Jesse’s ear, his lips just barely brushing against it.  Jesse shivered, feeling chills run down his spine, like flipping a switch his senses got a little more sensitive.

“Science shit?” laughed the younger man. He was playing stupid, he knew perfectly well that Walt loved a little bit of resistance.  A frustrated Walt filled his heart with absolute glee, he’d would be more forceful, persistent, it’d bring out his inner alpha male.

“Be more specific Jesse.”

“I—I don’t know,” Walt pressed his palm against Jesse’s stomach which sank in on contact, making the dirty blonde let out a sharp delighted gasp.  “Chemistry?” he pushed up against Walt firmly, more calculated.  

“Biology,” nearly rolling his eyes back, Walt tried to get a hold of his thoughts again, “But then again I can get a bit more specific than that.”

 

 

“Interesting, Mr. White. How about you show me?”

\---------------------------------

Holding a cup of coffee, Jesse hung around the island in the kitchen looking down at the research paper he had just printed out. He slid his palm across it’s smooth surface enjoying the warmth of it, then beamed from his diligence at finishing the thing in the first place.

Walt emerged from down the hall buttoning his starchy olive green shirt, then tucked it into his pristine wrinkle-free Dockers.  Jesse still eyed him with bedroom eyes, no one would even know what had gone on just by going on appearance, Walt just didn’t look like the type.  He smiled at their little secret, Jesse knew him, he loved having that sort of intimacy, the sort he didn’t have before. 

Looking down at his watch Walt did a small a-ha. “I guess I’m not late after all.”

“Maybe it’s cause you didn’t last very long,” Jesse quickly took a drink from his black coffee, then brought his eyes up to Walt’s hurt look. Walt scoffed and rubbed his head angrily, holding back whatever retort he had in his lips. Then again he didn’t have one, Jesse was perfect in every sense of the word, but Walt hadn’t gotten to the point where he could say that out loud.

“Well no one’s forcing you to have sex with me,” Walt shrugged saving face.

“I’m joking Mr. White. _Ha-ha._ You ever heard of a joke?”

In reality Walt really hadn’t lasted long though, but Jesse wasn’t so sure if it was Walt’s fault or at his own ability at making the man blow his load in record speeds.

Before taking another sip he poured Walt his own cup of coffee, he seemed to be busy getting ready so Jesse just left it on the counter next to his car keys.  Despite it being lighthearted a second ago he could see Walt was lost in thought again.

“You nervous,” Jesse nearly stammered. He certainly was. “When is it?”

“No. Of course I’m not nervous,” Walt lied through his teeth, grabbing the hot mug and taking a gulp, burning his tongue in the process.  “FUCKING HELL—“          

“Woah steady there.”

“It’s tonight. She wants to bring the family over _tonight._ ”

“Oh,” Jesse’s blue eyes widened, “Should I look up recipes and shit online? I mean we gotta impress right?”

“I don’t know about that.”

“What are you talking about? You’re such a liar.”

“I don’t want to look desperate for their approval, Jesse,” he rubbed his head anxiously then motioned to his outfit, “Do I look put together?”

“You look the same and newsflash Mr. White, you **are** desperate for their approval.”

Walt groaned and sat himself on his sofa just to get his thoughts together. Then he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees looking intensely at the wall. Jesse watched him confused like he was  some statue from one of his text books. After some time passed, Walt stood up and grabbed his sack lunch out of the fridge.

“Yo, that spiritual shit working on you?”

“It’s meditation and yes it’s working rather well.”

“Oh ok,” Jesse took another sip out of his coffee, appreciating the warmth that traveled down his throat, he anticipated the breeze of cold air that was going to come in once Walt left, but it didn’t. For a second the older man lingered near the door contemplating something that was a mystery to Jesse.

“You have some of your belongings here right?” he moved robotically, facing his partner again. 

Jesse slowly nodded, lifting an eyebrow.

“You ever think about—“Walt felt his throat go dry when he tried to look for the right words, “—moving in _more_ of your belongings.”

“How much more stuff are you talking about? I’m fine with what I have here, an extra toothbrush…underwear…whatever. What else do I need?”

“Ah—well.”

“What are you even talking about?” laughed Jesse.

“I’m saying—that,” Walt tilted his head looking annoyed then shut his eyes, the voice in the back of his head reminding him to use those breathing exercises he looked up online. “There’s a key on the counter, an _extra_ key.”

“Okay……..”

With a slight nod Walt sighed and left, maybe he got it maybe he didn’t, he decided it was best to clarify his message later.  Then there was that breeze that Jesse predicted.

Jesse shivered, his eyes lingering on that lone key. He picked it up and ran his thumb across the teeth, sighing to himself.

Should he go to class after all? This whole dinner thing was important to Walt and instinctively Jesse wished he could skip it altogether but that pronoun _us_ reared its ugly head and destroyed that option.  It was a little exciting though, he could feel a smile creeping up on his face.

Maybe he could go grocery shopping, maybe make up for all those sandwiches he’d been eating at Walt’s place?

\------------------

When Jesse unlocked the front door with groceries in tow, he was strangely satisfied that things were easier. He didn’t need Walt to leave the key in some special place for when he’d go over, he now had his own.  With a grin on his lips he walked to and from his car, unloading each thing as he mused that maybe he bought too much.  Standing in front of the sink he recounted the little tips he learned from his mom when she had cooked in front of him, no half-assing this.  With rap music blasting from Walt’s super fancy old-man Bose audio system, Jesse got to work. 

It was easy enough doing the preparation, most of the stuff were things that were one step or two. Jesse would stand around anxiously waiting for the chicken to thaw out, just staring deep into the sink full of water like it were some black hole. 

He could remember listlessly staring down that drain when he’d wash the dishes those first few days out of rehab.  Walt would be sitting on the couch doing some sort of paperwork, Jesse didn’t bother to ask what but he was sure it had something boring.  Why did he stay there with Walt and not one of his buddies? Sure he could say it was because he was trying to stay away from the drugs, the temptation, the peer pressure but it just made sense he’d end up at Walt’s. Who knew he’d be back of his own accord?

Walt got back home to the smell of food and dubstep blaring throughout his home. He grunted when he pushed his way in only to see Jesse trying to stir something in a mixing bowl. 

“What are you doing Jesse?”

Jesse lifted his head up like an alarmed prairie dog.  “You’re home already?” he screeched. 

“Obviously,” Walt groaned, then made his way to turn off the stereo, “What on earth is that noise?”

“It’s music, jesus christ.”

“I know it’s music but—“

“Did you see,” he gestured to the numerous foods he was making, “It’s mostly already made stuff, I just gotta prepare it. Simple stuff you know.” Somehow he still looked proud of himself and if he didn’t know any better he would have thought Walt looked the same. 

“Yes I saw,” Walt approached him, his eyes a bit glazed over with affection as he leaned to kiss the corner of his mouth.  Jesse blushed and smiled as Walt lingered overlooking what he was making. “Oh I see. You’re seasoning the chicken with that?”

“Yeah—uhh,” Jesse dropped his gaze bashfully, “I can’t think when you’re that close to me. Yo just get off of me and take a shower to get rid of that meth smell on you.”

“You know you shouldn’t have the vegetables for the salad so close to the uncooked meat and really, should you be making—“

“Cookies,” Jesse chimed in with an annoyed sound in his voice. 

“Right now? It can’t wait?”

“Yo…c’mon…”

“Did you wash the knife before you cut the vegetables in the first place—“

“Yes,” the younger man rolled his eyes, feeling less aroused now and more like he wanted to shove Walt away from his breathing space. 

“I’m trusting you here because if everyone ends up in the hospital—“

“Is Holly coming?” cut in Jesse when he remembered the baby food he bought as well. 

“Mmhmm,” Walt smiled, one of his dimples indented in his cheek.  Jesse couldn’t help smiling as they looked at each other for a second longer than needed. 

“Well I was prepared Mr. White, I got her some food too. Not sure what she’s into but I got a bit of everything.”

“I’m sure she’d be glad that you were in her thoughts as well,” teased Walt, sighing as he rested his hands on his hips.  “I’ll be taking that shower then.”

“Kiss?”

Happily Walt obliged, Jesse’s free hand cupping his face on contact. 

“You should have bought those cookies you just put in the oven, you were never good at mixing ingredients—measuring ingredients…”

Jesse shut his eyes in silent rage, “How can I un-kiss you? Where’s that fucking time machine I can use to undo all this bullshit?”

“They’re coming by in a couple of hours Jesse, remember that.”

“Yeah and?”

“Don’t forget you have to get ready too.”

“Mr. White I am ready—“

Walt gave him the once over, his eyes trailing down Jesse’s skull t-shirt, loose gray cardigan, to his ill fitting jeans. Then again, Walt mused that they must have been at least two sizes too big, not as huge as before, progress…but _still_.

Suddenly Jesse felt the resounding pain of his scrutiny and pulled at his clothes insecurely after he placed the mixing bowl on the counter. 

“You have any—anything that fits?” Walt stammered figuring that the answer was probably no.

“I have this one suit—“

“No,” Walt motioned at him to be quiet, “I know which suit you’re talking about and you’d be doing yourself a favor if you threw it out.”

“I don’t got anything else really,” Jesse trailed off looking a little hopeless, picking at his nails. 

“Ah you know what? Its ok,” Walt dropped his shoulders and started untucking his shirt.  “We’re not going to pretend we’re something we’re not. But if you are planning to become a fully functioning adult, you’d best buy yourself a pair of Dockers at some point.”

“No…ew,” the younger man wrinkled his nose. “How about chinos. I like those better, I’ve seen those cool guys rolling them up. I always see them with no socks, hot girlfriends.”

“No hot girlfriends,” Walt protested, then stopped himself before he said anything more and decided it was wise to rub his temples to calm down.

“Jesus Mr. White…go take your fucking shower already.”

Grumbling to himself Walt left, dropping his clothes as he went along. By the time he was in the bathroom, he discarded his underwear then his socks.  For a while he stood underneath the warm water with his eyes closed, trying to find peace of mind, hoping that he’d keep his composure when he saw _her_ again. Before every dinner they had, he had to mentally prepare himself.  She looked like she was doing just fine without him but that fact was what bothered him the most, he probably wasn’t being missed, she was probably still off sleeping with Ted Beneke. Whatever. He knew he shouldn’t linger on the thought any longer, he was reasonably happy at the moment with Jesse.

Tap tap tap.

Walt jumped up and saw the form of Jesse’s figure knocking on the glass of his shower.  He opened it a little and stuck his head out.

“Yes?” Walt moaned.

“Yo, you think I got enough time to ya know—look for another outfit?”

“What?” he wiped the water from his eyes to see Jesse with a small little timid smile on his lips.  It was absurd how attractive he was all the time, just taking a good look at his face was enough to calm him.  His soft features, his eagerness and youth, Walt kept on reminding himself that Jesse was his, that this was really happening. “I—I guess.”

“Can you take care of the stuff? I used the stove timer and everything so it should go beep beep beep when it’s done.”

“Yeah yeah, that’s fine. Just don’t be out too long.”

“I got a general idea of what an adult should look like, so I’ll be back quick.”

“Okay okay. Go then,” Walt tried to shush him out but Jesse leaned in for a quick kiss, testing the older man’s reserve. Attempting to play it off like he was still upset when he wasn’t really after all, Walt returned it. Jesse started to pick up on his act when the kiss was followed up by another and then another.  It was getting harder and harder to leave until the option of leaving was eventually dropped. Walt’s damp hand coiled itself in Jesse’s hair, pulling him closer, which was more than enough encouragement for the younger man to discard all his clothing and join him.  

\-----------

“My hands are so fucking pruny,” Jesse grumbled as he grabbed Walt’s towel and used it to dry his hair.

“That was stupid Jesse. Stupid, stupid, stupid,” Walt put on his briefs and started cleaning his ears with a Q-tip.  “How long did we take?”

Jesse shrugged as he tried to shake the water out of his ears onto the towel.  “Not too long, the thing didn’t ding or anything.”

“So you’re going to be dressed like a kid for dinner then?” Walter stated in manner that didn’t ring too kindly. 

In turn Jesse shot a glare at him and threw the towel. 

“Thought you said that there was no use in being _something we’re not_ ,” he mocked.

\---------------

“And you’re sure about this,” questioned Skyler raising her gaze up to Walt Jr who shut the car door looking exasperated at this whole situation. He could see how anxious his mother was, it bothered him because it shouldn’t have been such a big deal.

“Yes mom,” he sighed as he looked out the window, his mother pulling out of the driveway.

She stayed silent for a second, holding her mouth tight, thinking of what words to use and in what order to use them. “You were just so angry and now—“

“I know. B-but I thought it over.”

“You forgive me too then,” her voice shook with a hint of vulnerability that pained her son’s heart to even hear.

“I was never angry at anyone. J-just the situation.”

In the backseat Holly cooed happily as she played with one of her toys, watching it as it moved up and down in her hand.  The both of them seemed to smile, Walt Jr turned around and started to talk to her, Skyler stared up at her reflection in the rear view window, her blue eyes puffy and exhausted. It wasn’t so bad, the family was still intact, it was just hard to see Walt with someone else. The fact that he moved on so soon arouse suspicion but him and Jesse had been together too long to assume it was just a fling.

How many months had it been already?

She tapped at the leather of the steering wheel, as her polyester top started to feel itchy and uncomfortable. Squirming a bit, she adjusted her footing internally telling herself to hold it together for the sake of the family. 

_17 years wasted._

Not wasted, she shouldn’t use words like that if she expected herself to have a more positive state of mind, she thought to herself.  Her eyes dried up and she blinked quickly, the mascara on her eyelashes still wet from the thick application she put on them just minutes ago.   They stuck together but she tried to keep her eye on the road, occasionally turning to look at Walt Jr who turned forwards again.

“She’s g-growing fast huh,” he smiled.

“Yeah—“ Skyler looked clearly distracted, “You think that—“

“What mom?”

“Its ok me taking her over there, maybe it should have just been us.”

“Y-yeah it’s ok,” he rolled his eyes. Hank had said things already about Walt’s new partner but it sounded like he turned a new leaf, in fact Walt Jr. was very interested in how he looked like in person.  The last picture he saw was his mug shot that Hank had pulled out from his file, he had said some choice words about the man but to Walt Jr. he still looked like a kid.

_Jesse Pinkman._

_That god damned junkie bastard piece of shit._

He had a doped out look on his face, spikey disheveled almost blonde-ish hair.  He looked like someone he’d bump into at the mall, the sort of guy that’d steal the attention of all the girls. 

It was odd to say the least, but he figured he must have not been so bad if his dad liked him so much. 

Ok so it was really weird. 

“And you’re sure about this,” Skyler’s voice grew stern.

“Yes mom, h-how many times you gotta ask already?” he exploded then rested his head against his hand, his lips forming a tense pout.

His mother looked on in surprise, what button did she push now? 

\--------

In a rush Jesse took out all of the food from the oven, shouting a series of expletives when the cookies came out burnt.  “God this is like something out of tv, this always happens on tv shows right? I swear the thing didn’t beep.”

“I forgot something in the car,” Walt zoomed by, nearly knocking Jesse down.  “I figured as much that we’d need it.”

“What, asshole?” Jesse cursed in the direction of the door that swung open.  When Walt reappeared Jesse let out a sigh of relief that he had a package of store bought cookies in his hands.  Walt shot him a look that spelled out _are you thankful now,_ which Jesse scoffed at as he pulled out the chicken. At least that looked fully cooked. 

After giving it a long debilitating inspection, Walt gave him the ok to start setting up the table. 

“Thanks to you I have to febreeze the god damned place,” hissed Walt looking in one of the cupboards for the handy aerosol can.  When he found it he sprayed it in the air without any disregard to Jesse who was organizing the food so it could be readily available to the guests.

After all was said and done they were surprised at how fast they had finished.  The both of them sat on the couch sitting an odd distance apart with their hands on their knees.  Jesse’s eyes were wide when he turned towards Walt. 

“I’m not dressed so bad am I,” he pulled at his oversized sweater which caused Walt to look at him apologetically.

“No. Not at all. But I just wanted to ask—“

“What?”

“Why do you have to drown yourself in so much clothing?”

“Hmm,” Jesse leaned back into the sofa, “It’s a habit I guess. It feels sorta comfy that way.”

“I remember…when I first saw you with your clothes off, I expected there’d be much more of you to touch,” Walt smiled to himself and stopped the thought right there once the doorbell rang. “Oh well it must be them.”

He stood up and opened the door, Jesse almost cowering behind him.  There was Skyler sure enough holding Holly in her arms. Awkwardly Walt Jr waved at both his father and Jesse. Jesse smiled widely and gestured for everywhere to come in. 

“I ah—made some…well the grub is there so you can help yourself you know.”

“Oh cool,” Walt Jr looked at his father in passing and scrunched his eyebrows, laughing a little to himself. Walt gladly took Holly from Skyler and placed a forced kiss on Skyler’s cheek, she moved away from him coldly, hoping it wasn’t obvious to anyone else.  Shutting her eyes she walked away leaving Walt alone with Holly. He looked at her regretfully then brought his gaze back to Holly. 

“How’s it going girl,” Walt cooed, bouncing her up and down in his arms.  He held her tightly inhaling that familiar smell of hers, the one he remembered since the she was born.  Suddenly he grew embarrassed when he saw Jesse watching him, the corner of his lip upwards as he engaged Walt Jr. in conversation.

“So what is it? Flynn or Walt Jr?”

“I-it’s Walt Jr,” laughed Walt’s son, sitting down on one of the chairs, putting his crutches beside him on the floor.  “Flynn started to sound stupid after a while.”

“I dunno, man,” Jesse chuckled, “Walt is kind of a lame name,” he muttered underneath his breath. 

“S-speak for yourself, y-your name is a g-girl’s.”

Jesse paused for a second trying to make sense of it before roaring in laughter along with Walt Jr.  “Boom! Good one!”

Skyler overlooked the food Jesse had prepared, she noticed it looked nice, not exactly what she had expected. “This ah—,” she looked over at Walt Jr for support then back at Jesse, “…it looks delicious. We should exchange recipes or something—“  The effort to speak died down a little when she stared Jesse straight in the eye, she felt uneasy and almost like there was a flame at the pit of her stomach.  She was so upset at him, just to see him there in the flesh.  She was taken back to the first time she talked to him outside his house, sizing him up to being some sweet kid turned deviant, not someone who’d help walk her husband down the wrong path, then possibly seduce him in more ways than one. That thought shouldn’t have gone further than that, there was this guilty feeling that nagged at her for directing her anger at this otherwise innocent person, he looked so eager to please, his eyes lighting up just begging for the same response.  A smile wasn’t going to be on her face anytime soon, he should stop dreaming.

“Well thanks a lot…Mrs. White—I mean…s-sorry.”

Her blue eyes widened and her mouth became a straight line as she motioned that she wasn’t hurt when in fact she was. She hadn’t heard someone call her that for a long time and she had grown used to the idea that she’d never hear it again. “It’s Lambert now.”

Walt hadn’t heard what was said but judging by body language he decided it was best for him to join their company, Holly still in his arms.  He pulled out the high chair from his closet and sat Holly in it, gently rubbing his thumb against her cheek. 

“And the ride here?” Walt spoke, confused by Jesse’s panicked face.

“It was alright,” shrugged his son, meanwhile Skyler shook her head side to side, sitting herself down. 

“What do you guys want to drink? I got some cokes in the fridge,” stammered Jesse hoping for a reason to excuse himself even for a second. Skyler was so intense, he could feel his knees shaking. 

“I-I’ll have one,” Walt Jr waved.

“You have anything…like wine…or something,” questioned Skyler praying for the possibility of taking the edge off.  

“I don’t know about wine. Mr. White…should know…”

_Mr. White?_

Both Walt Jr and Skyler stared at Jesse strangely.

“Walt—he means Walt, right Jesse?” Walt attempted to right the wrong.

Jesse nodded, appearing to be dumbfounded. 

What was going on? Jesse was realizing whatever rituals they’d do alone weren’t exactly normal to the people around them. For god’s sake he was practically living in this man’s bedroom and he couldn’t get rid of the habit of calling him Mr. White like he was still his teacher.  From the outside looking in, it all looked pretty sick.

Jesse stood around appearing to be helpless which caused Walt to find a reason to go over to him. “I’ll help him find a bottle, I have it laying around somewhere,” Walt raised his hands in the air in some attempt to lighten the mood but still looked visibly frustrated.

“What on earth was that Jesse?” he hissed into the refrigerator. “Calling me Mr. White, what the hell are you thinking? You’re not some underage student of mine, not anymore. God forbid people think it happened since then.”

“They’re thinking it already Mr. White,” Jesse spoke softly, all fight lost in him.  “This is going all sorts of wrong.”

“Just one slip up, don’t worry,” Walt licked his lips and pulled out the bottle as Jesse reached in, the older man stroked his wrist reassuringly before he got the cokes. Jesse dropped his shoulders and sighed, his eyes looking a little calmer. 

“Kiss?” Jesse asked but Walt moved his head side to side full of regret.

“But you’ll get plenty of them after this,” he smiled looking just as nervous as the younger man. 

When they walked back to the table Walt placed his hand on Jesse’s back as Jesse handed the coke to Walt Jr.  He took notice of this gesture, flinching a little upon seeing his father touch his partner so intimately. 

After a while conversation began to pick up between Walt Jr. and Jesse once they had situated themselves.  Skyler stayed silent most of the time just eating her meal and topping off her wine glass making sure it stayed as full as possible just so she could keep herself in check, for her son’s sake.  It bothered Walt to see her acting this way, for most of the time he stayed silent, occasionally laughing at whatever joke Jesse and Walt Jr would be making.  He’d raise his gaze up to hers and sometimes she’d look straight back at him, visibly on the defense, maybe jealous, maybe hurt. It was a complete mystery to him.

They used to be so in sync with each other back in the day. What had happened since then? Why was there a brick wall even after all that was said and done? He had granted her the divorce, she signed the papers as well and that was it.  She should have been happy but she wasn’t, she’d put on an act in front of Hank and Marie all those other times but it was so clear now that Jesse was in the room. 

He was a bit like a ray of sunlight, smiling away, getting up to bring napkins, trying to fill the silence with conversation.  He was trying so hard.  Walt reached his hand over to his and held it, their plates nearly empty by then. 

Skyler coughed and covered her mouth with her napkin, Walt Jr. just squirmed in his chair trying to get used to seeing this.  It wasn’t bad, it was just weird. He had never seen his father touch anyone else this way, not since his mother…

“So,” he fought the apprehension. “Y-you gonna t-tell us how you two m-met?”

The three adults in the room sat up in surprise. Why hadn’t anyone thought of that question? It was bound to be asked yet the three of them looked like deer caught in headlights. 

“Yeah,” Skyler wiped her mouth and took a drink out of her glass, waiting for the onslaught of lies.  “How did that one happen?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you guys enjoyed this fic so far, this fic has been therapeutic man. I need the fluff and the happy endings, ok, somewhat happy endings. Sorry for any typos.

How did they meet?

Jesse was dumbfounded and it appeared Walt was at a loss of words. It didn’t start well that’s for sure, not that they ever started on the right foot.  Their paths crossed at the worst time possible, Jesse looking like a vulnerable runt, being thrown out a window, doing the same things Walt would have been expecting him to be doing, except for that one thing…

There wasn’t a moment since then that Jesse could remember enjoying himself around that man, it was just work. Improving on the work, dangerous situations and arguments upon arguments upon arguments. When did it change exactly?

Finally his train of thought landed on the right place giving him the clear answer. He remembered his face illuminated by a dimly lit laptop, a look of stupid disbelief on his face, must have been around five or six months ago, give or take.

\------------

_Thank for you enrolling._

Jesse had reread this line in the email over and over again. The payment went through, he was now a student in a community college.  He was going to have to keep to a schedule, get his work done and show initiative for the first time in his life.  This time he wasn’t about to screw it up.

“See you’re done, son. It’s just that easy,” Walt rubbed his shoulder, then pat it before disappearing into the other room.  “Any idea where you’re planning on staying?” His voice echoed from another room. 

Jesse was distracted but eventually answered, “Uh yeah. Gonna blackmail my parents into selling me back my house.”

“Oh,” Walt answered.  “Good idea.” 

“What if I fuck this up?”

“Easy. You don’t,” he reappeared wearing his pajamas looking visibly tired.  “You’re young,” he took a drink out of the bottle of water that was next to Jesse’s laptop.  “You have enough time to figure things out. To find the ambition to do something you like, aspire to reach that goal, find a reason to wake up in the morning.”

For a second Jesse thought of Jane, she was his reason, but he let go of that thought.  Walt could see it in his eyes though, and he sighed.

“Keeping yourself distracted, keeping the mind working, calculating, will go a long way,” he continued.  “The hard work will be beneficial. The possibilities are limitless.”

At the time everything Walt said sounded like complete and utter horseshit but Jesse still listened silently, fighting whatever negativity that would come pass. He wouldn’t go back to using, he wouldn’t go back to selling. Enough was enough.

“Yo, it might be a while before I get the place. Is it alright if I shack up here a little longer?”

“Its alright,” it looked like Walt was in need of company anyway, “It’s refreshing to have someone to come home to.” Jesse didn’t want to look at Walt’s expression of embarrassment after saying those words, but through his peripheries he could see his body language and it said it all.

 “It’s a Friday night, you don’t have any friends to go…celebrate with?” Walt stumbled on his words but Jesse still didn’t take notice, he didn’t want to, he just let out a long sigh and rested his hands on his cheeks.

“No, all of them use, plus I don’t really feel like seeing anyone really.”

It made sense that the kid was still depressed, it was just that day after day he’d stay indoors, only going outside to fetch Walt the newspaper in the morning.  Walt worried about him although he wouldn’t be the first to admit to it.  For a while he stared at his hair, wanting to playfully rub it just to coax a smile out of him but he kept his distance instead signaling to the phone with a twinkle in his eye.

“How about a pizza then?”

“Uhm…yeah…sure,” Jesse rubbed his eyes then stretched out his limbs that seemed to sprout out of his oversized faded grey sweater.  He almost stumbled to the phone, one of his legs must have fallen asleep, “I order?”

“Yeah whatever you want, I’ll eat anything,” Walt muttered distractedly, adjusting his glasses as he reread Jesse’s email. 

“Mr White,” Jesse watched him until he turned around looking confused.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for y-you know…”

“No-no you don’t need to.”

“Everything…”

“Anyone in my place would have done the same,” Walt shut down the laptop and closed it, a little relieved that there was some progress that day. 

“Well that’s the thing though—no one _has_.”

It was sad to hear out in the open even though Walt had half-expected it.  Playing it off like it was nothing, he shrugged, offering Jesse a content grunt.   

“You going to call about the pizza because if not—“

“I am,” Jesse faked his chuckle, looking straight at Walt with some vulnerable bright blues.  “Just thinking of what I want.”

 He had wanted something to come from his words, a reaction, anything, he just couldn’t get specific what he had wanted to come of it.  As usual Walt was a brick wall, offering nothing but manufactured positivity, although there was a part of him that rang true. This stirred up an unexplainable feeling in Jesse, something that made his heart beat quick sending his fight or flight instincts into overdrive.  

Jesse rubbed his shoulder and scrunched up his face before calling for the pizza, figuring he was reading too much into things.

The two of them ate in silence at either side of the room watching an old horror movie playing on the television.  Moans and groans of zombies could be heard making it a little unsettling. Jesse could remember that movie, or something like that playing when he was little, pretending to be asleep on his Aunt’s lap.  She knew he was awake and he knew that she knew. It was their secret. But the scariness of the film just made him question whether he was grown up enough or not, or if he’d ever be grown up enough to handle violence. From then on he’d just play pretend with those first person shooter games, pretend he was the man with all the muscles and the solidarity, leading the weak into safety because he knew there was no one else that’d ever have his back, so why not be the hero?

The hero was never an ex drug dealer though…

“That movie’s weird.”

“Weird good or weird scary?” Walt had his mouth full as he spoke and wiped the sauce from the corner of his lip, cocking an eyebrow when he turned to Jesse.

“I don’t know.”

“I snuck into a drive-thru just to watch that movie, doesn’t have quite the effect on me now as it did then. Guess I saw it too many times, that makeup is so bad,” he chuckled, “the acting is bad too. It doesn’t feel real.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Jesse smiled, this time a real smile.  Walt took a moment to appreciate it, the effort of opening up paid off, even if it was just a little bit.

Eventually they found themselves sitting on the couch at either end.

“This movie is old, like really old,” said Jesse.

“It’s not _that_ old.” 

“Shit how old are you again?”

Walt narrowed his eyes as he reached for the beer within Jesse’s grasp, “Just two and that’s it.” He leaned back pleased with himself at the power move he made, Jesse’s loud agitated groan was like music to his ears. Served him right. 

“You’re like 80 right,” chuckled the younger man, resting on the arm of the couch, looking like a mischievous kitten. “You’d cook dinosaurs for dinner, ride around in cars made of stone, was the wheel even around Mr. White?”

“I’m 50, alright. Haven’t I already told you?”

“Yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that,” sneered Jesse then made a lunge for the beer, taking it before Walt could take a drink out of it.

Time was winding down and it was already getting late enough that Walt wanted to sleep. The movie was over and the two of them were listlessly watching an infomercial for women’s skincare, losing track of how many empty bottles of beer were on the table, on the floor, on the couch.  Something needed to be said before Walt made his way back to his bedroom and Jesse to the other couch. 

“You’ve shown progress…a lot of progress,” he leaned forward with his hands on his knees.  Jesse gave him a perplexed look. “I just want you to know,” this was the hard part, Walt thought, taking a pause before speaking, “If you need anything—“

Jesse’s eyes widened, was he hearing correctly?  He was a nice kind of buzzed at the moment, but not at that breaking point he was so used to.

“When you go—I can’t keep my eye on you forever but I hope—I—I want you to know that if you need any kind of that…you know…support…if you need support—“

Walt stopped speaking, deciding he was making little to no sense but it appeared to have sank in. 

“You saying you’re here for me?” questioned the younger man in disbelief, actually repeating it mentally to himself after he said it.  Walt nodded, looking visibly uncomfortable. 

“Yeah well that’s one way of putting it but—I’m sure you know other people.”

“Right,” Jesse laughed, “You mean my oh so supportive family who dropped me the second things got too hot to handle?”

“Anyone really. You discussed who is in your support group right?”

“Yeah something like that. Except I couldn’t think of anyone.”

“Well, I’m just letting you know.”

“Yep I got the picture,” Jesse held his lips tightly together as he watched Walt rub his head and leave.  He didn’t mean to not seem all that thankful, he was, but he wasn’t sure if he should even show it.  When he laid down, gathering the blankets Walt had left him, he curled up into the fetal position.  Shutting his eyes, he squeezed his hands in between his knees like he would as a child. 

He thought of the cold needle, he thought of Jane.  

_Just count to ten, Jesse._

Instead his thoughts turned to Walt, Walt watching him with something different in his eyes, something affectionate.  It made Jesse feel unexpectedly warm, a little jittery just recollecting the moments. The kind words, the nice gestures.  It was hard to admit that he had a good time watching the television with him, grunts and small talk here and there, knocking back a couple of beers. It felt nice, almost homey, maybe safe.  Like Walt was close, like family. 

The brick wall was crumbling bit by bit and Jesse wasn’t sure how to react to it, to know whether or not it was a good thing. He pulled the pillow against his face, smelling whatever detergent Walt would use on it and hid in the comfort of the plush cushioning.  He imagined something that felt like a distant memory, like a dream that may or may not have happened.  Arms firmly wrapping around him, holding him tight, feeling so small but in a good way.  It wasn’t a thought he’d like to reflect on for too long because it was embarrassing and made him feel like a kid. 

Had Mr. White held him close or was it Mike? It smelled like Walt, felt like Walt and the tone of voice was Walt's, but it couldn’t be. 

Then again how else did he get out of that junkie hellhole he lost himself in? Someone had to have picked him up. Saved him from laying on his back drifting on some wave of ecstasy that was nothing but superficial, like when he’d compare store bought cookies to the ones his aunt used to make. 

_Jesse, it’s me—_

_Walt…_

He smelled like piss and sweat, but when Walt pressed his jacket up against his nose, Jesse could remember that detergent.  Jesse groaned, he didn’t want to go there, he didn’t want to press further than that because that’d make him… vulnerable.

And what if Walt just got sick of him? What then? Jesse couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t bear the isolation all over again. 

\---------------

“He helped save me. We met up at a place—the place, my meetings you know—for drug rehabilitation. I mean you already know he was an ex-teacher of mine. But y-yeah, he was visiting there. H-he was a volunteer or something, bringing the plates of cookies or doughnuts,” said Jesse, his eyes wide as he lied.  Briefly his gaze met with Skyler’s, she knew everything. Walt had told him about her knowing right off the bat. He felt like he was reading out loud his memorial at his own funeral. She looked him dead straight, robotically tilting her head sideways as she rested her chin against her palm.

Jesse put a piece of food in his mouth, chewing it carefully, and without moving his neck, his eyes looked over to Walt for support. “Right? You’d do something like that?”

Walt’s mouth hung low but he snapped back into reality and nodded, “Yeah I’d do activities like that on the side, trying to help out my community. Another student of mine was going there and that’s how I found out they needed volunteers.”

Walt Jr gasped, “Wow dad.” He looked impressed, meanwhile Skyler added this to the long list of reasons why he was going to be a favorite to Walt Jr over her.  Her lips opened as if she were about to say something but instead took a drink out of her wine nearly finishing half the glass.

“We reconnected and I don’t know one thing lead to another,” Walt smiled.  That part was true, although under different circumstances. 

……at a drugs bust. 

Walt coughed trying to distract himself from those thoughts.  But what progress had they made since then, really? They were still doing the same things, not the illegal things, but they were still bickering. There were still words left unsaid. Walt hadn’t gotten to the point where he could forwardly ask him to move in. Instead he’d still stumble on the words even though he must have woken up next to the man more than enough times to catch a grip on himself.  Jesse was different, he wasn’t going anywhere, but it was so difficult to convince himself of that.

“And you just went gay randomly,” asked Walt Jr. his naiveté showing.

Walt nearly choked on his food and dropped his fork, Jesse appeared confused and awkwardly laughed, Skyler still remained stoic. He wasn’t gay, she could account for that but the question was inevitable and if there was something the three adults in the room had in common was that they liked prolonging the inevitable, meanwhile Walt Jr. chose to face it head-on.

“I’m not gay per say,” slowly spoke Walt attempting to choose his words carefully.

“D-doesn’t look that way to me,” giggled his son.

“Now let me finish,” Walt signaled for him to be silent, “I think sexuality is rather fluid, you don’t know who you’re going to fall for from one moment to the next. And that goes to say, I’m not insulted by being called gay, I’m insulted because being called that would invalidate my love for your mother,” stopping dead in his tracks he realized what he had just said. He turned to see Skyler’s reaction, she looked stunned, then turned away, focusing her attention on folding the napkin that was on her lap. In a panic Walter looked over at Jesse next to him who was furrowing his brow and holding his lips together pensively, resting his elbows on the table, his sweater pulled up past his forearms.  “I mean—I _loved_ your mother very much, son.”

Past tense.

Jesse grew relaxed after Walt said that, his posture grew less rigid.  He faked his optimism and nodded at Walt Jr, who compared to everyone else hadn’t caught on.  Walter’s son simply smiled and mouthed an _oh_.

“What was that?” Jesse leaned in towards Walt, speaking softly as they both put away the dishes.

“What was what?”

Jesse frowned and dropped the dishes into the sink, the ceramic colliding, causing a loud crash.  Everyone else in the room looked at Jesse startled, meanwhile Walt let out a long sigh.  Maybe playing dumb wasn’t the best solution.

“Always so god damned clumsy huh,” shakily Walter spoke, restraining his annoyance.

 “Woops,” Jesse stared a hole straight into him as he made his way back with the package full of cookies.  “Hey can Holly eat a cookie,” he asked Walt Jr, but then decided the one with the authority should be Skyler, his eyes wearily looked in her direction.  She didn’t have an expression he would have liked to see on her face, she was so done with it all, counting down the minutes for it to be over.

“Yes she can.”

Finally finding the opportunity to be face to face with the little girl, Jesse handed her the cookie, which she happily took and started to nibble on it with her gums.  Jesse watched her in awe, at her little hands, her flushed cheeks, she obviously looked pleased to be eating something sweet.  “She really likes it,” he smiled at Skyler who was just standing up and holding her empty plate. 

“Yes,” she was trying to find the patience in herself not to say something, to not up and leave at that very moment.  This man was so close to her child, a man that helped ruin her family’s life.  Her hands were balled into fists but she walked over to Walt who was tending to one of the broken dishes and grabbed an unopened wine bottle out of the refrigerator.  “Can I?”

“Help yourself.”

“Y-yeah she’s starting to get her teeth a-already. She has two in the b-back,” Walt Jr joined Jesse. 

“Yo, you think I can pick her up,” Jesse’s eyes looked brightly into Walt’s son’s. More and more Walt Jr was feeling like he shouldn’t have been so apprehensive about him in the first place, he really did mean well, plus Holly seemed to be getting along fine with him.  He nodded.

“Y-yeah.”

Jesse’s hands shook as he firmly placed his hand on her soft hair, pushing the hood off of her head.  This was something Walt had made, something he made with Skyler. What a beautiful little thing she was. Jesse pondered for a second if he ever could have one of his own but he played with the idea that if he didn’t and he stayed with Walt for the rest of his life, he’d be okay with that because maybe Skyler would let her visit. Maybe it could be joint custody or something, maybe with each dinner they’d grow closer and they’d get along? Jesse wanted them to all get along so badly. 

She reclined her head back and looked up at him in wonder, all that wonder a child of her age could have, it warmed Jesse’s heart.  He grinned from ear to ear. “Hey there Holly, I’m Jesse.”

Holly was wearing pink from head to toe, leaving no doubt that she was a girl.  For a second he contemplated carrying her, she was calm at the moment but heaven knows if she was going to lose it the second he picked her up.  Instead of fretting on it any longer, he went for it and she let him, she was a sturdy little thing already, her head didn’t fall back. Her eyes were locked on his face the entire time, studying it.  “She’s so pretty,” muttered Jesse, her hand wrapping around two of his fingers as he rocked her bounced her, then rocked her side to side. 

“Y-yeah, Aunt Marie won’t shut up about how much she l-looks like Mom.”

“She does right? Better her than her dad.”

“What are y-you talking about?”

“I’m just saying… Walter wouldn’t look very good as a girl. That’s between us,” giggled Jesse, who then looked over at the tense situation going on in the kitchen between Skyler and Walt.

“Tell him to stop Walt,” she hissed, grabbing Walt by the arm.  “I agreed to this for Walt Jr. but this is going too far.”

“So you’re talking now,” Walt narrowed his eyes. “Not your best performance I’d have to say. And when you do speak every word has—has some venom to it.” He gestured with his hands erratically, now Walt Jr. was noticing.

 “Everything alright over there,” Jesse put aside any anger towards Walt feeling overwhelmed with concern. This wasn’t looking too good. 

“Fine if you’re not going to tell him I will.”

She had drank a lot and maybe if he hadn’t been preoccupied with having a good time at the dinner, Jesse would have noticed. Stumbling towards him she rushed in his direction, her hands reaching out for Holly.

Instinctively he moved away from her since she appeared to be having a hard time walking, her eyes now looking red. 

“Stop touching my baby, give me Holly!”

“Are you okay,” Jesse didn’t entirely register why she was acting this way. “Maybe you need to sit.”

“Mom w-what’s wrong with you?” Walt Jr. clearly looked embarrassed and the face he made suggested that this wasn’t the first time he’d seen her like this.

Walt briskly walked to the disturbance trying to calm her. 

“Look, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’ve had too much already,” he said it in _that_ voice, the one he’d use so many times before when she’d go into hysterics over the secrets he hid, over his lies. It made her blood boil, to the point she was grinding her teeth.

“Too much? You’re trying to distract me from the fact an ex drug dealing junkie has his hands all over my child. MY child!”

“I’ve stopped, fucking scouts honor, I’ve changed,” Jesse pleaded, Holly starting to look frightened from everything going on.  “It doesn’t have to be this way. We can—we can get along.”

Walt’s eyes widened and he moved his head side to side at this lose cause, Jesse was so innocent. After the way things had gone, there was no way it could work out.  He didn’t want to think he was negative, but he wasn’t foolish, he was a realist and his gut told him this would happen. But why couldn’t Jesse see it for what it was? Why couldn’t he accept it?

Skyler scoffed, her blue eyes growing wide as her head tilted back, lording over him. “Get along? There’s no getting along between you and me,” she said those fatal words, slicing right through any hope he had, Walt cringed, Walt Jr. looked shocked. “…you disgust me.”

“Mom,” exclaimed Walt Jr, “Why did you say t-that? H-he’s so nice!”

From that point on everything was a blur, Jesse just saw everyone taking her away, her flashing him one last look, one of fading anger.  Her eyebrows raising, her eyes softening, the iciness leaving her expression. But Jesse didn’t think long about her remorseful look, he just felt the sting spreading through his chest and then through his entire body. He felt like a child, no fight in him, he just took it and no retort came to mind, he couldn’t grasp that part of himself that would instinctively attack. He’d grown soft.

Walt timidly approached him and took Holly carefully from his grasp.  He didn’t say anything but he appeared to be regretful, he firmly grabbed Jesse’s shoulder then rubbed it. 

“S-she’s such a bitch, what the hell,” Jesse managed to speak, his eyes moving side to side in shock, “I mean I get why she’d hate my guts but the way she treated me—like I was complete shit.”

“She’s not a bitch, Jesse,” Walt’s eyes grew intense as he turned his back, holding Holly close to him.  “She just…can be difficult at times.” The room grew quiet once he shut the door behind him. 

A few minutes passed and Jesse realized Walt wasn’t coming back, he must have given them a ride home. Walt Jr. didn’t have his license yet, he had forgotten so he guilted himself out of feeling outright abandoned. Walt could have at least said something though.  Taking Walt's advice to heart he decided to keep busy just so he could reevaluate his feelings, he started to put the dishes into the dishwasher one by one until he stared straight into the drain again. A bit of broken ceramic was covering it, keeping the water from going down. 

He really wished Walt had stayed, he missed his arms, the way they’d snake around him into the only embrace he’d ever want to be in.  So many things went wrong that day, it made it hard to see the good parts. For now all he had was himself to do the convincing that everything was going to be okay.

\---------

“Jesse? Jesse?” Walt opened the front door and took off his jacket, leaving it on the table. “You still around.”

“Yeah,” a timid voice came out from the living room, it sounded like he had been sleeping.  “It took you a while to get back? What time is it?”

“Doesn’t matter, want to come to bed?”

“Not really,” Jesse sat up as he rubbed his eyes.  “You could have answered the phone or something.”

“Look are we really going to go into this? I was preoccupied. I had to get a hold of Marie to take over the reigns just so I could go home. Skyler wasn’t doing so well.”

“How was Holly? She didn’t get scared or anything? I hear things that happen to a baby real early on can really—you know impact them later on and they don’t even know it.”

“She was fine,” Jesse could hear the smile in Walt’s voice but it didn’t serve to comfort him in any way. 

“Why do you think—“

Walt sat himself down across from Jesse, slouching over, resting his hands on his knees. “She attacked you like that?”

“I did nothing wrong for her to—“

“She can be territorial Jesse and there was obviously some misguided passive aggression that should have been directed at me.”

“And that justifies it?” Jesse’s voice shook.

“Maybe you—,”Walt lowered his head, now speaking sternly, “Maybe you did overstep your bounds with Holly.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way.”

“How can I not? I’m not just going to let you say it was alright. You’re with me aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Walt rubbed his head, shutting his eyes in agitation.

“But you just said you loved her like nothing. You think I didn’t catch that? You think I’m that stupid?”

“I’m not about to deny it.”

“Wow, great,” Jesse stood up and began to pace side to side, his arms starting to shake so he crossed them just to calm himself.

“I was married to her for 17 years, what do you expect me to say,” Walt tilted his head in that condescending manner that Jesse despised. “I love the woman. I don’t think I’ll ever stop but you know better than me that that thing was toxic at the end. This whole fucking scenario should say it loud and clear but you don’t apparently see it that way.”

“Mr. White I don’t fucking care if you love her or not. What I do care about is that in all these god damned stupid days I’ve spent with you, you haven’t said a single I love you. I’ve said it a shit ton of times, when you’re fucking me sideways, when I’m eating your god damned grilled cheese sandwiches, when I’m watching those fucking shitty documentaries you like watching so much. I can say it like nothing. It comes out of my mouth like honey, and guess what, my last girlfriend died. Yes she died. You know that. But you know what? I’m willing to reopen that door again, it’s easy to me, because it’s you. It’s always been you.”

Now Jesse was in his face, on his knees, his eyes looking fierce with tears forming just at the sides of them.  Walt was stunned, not exactly sure what to say, wondering if maybe he should pull him in for a kiss, that always worked to shut him up. He leaned in and placed his hands on either side of his face in a desperate plea to avoid this entire conversation but Jesse slapped him off, then stood back up. 

“I just—I have to had said it…at some point,” stammered Walt, feeling the pain of rejection.

“No, you’d remember and I’d remember. I always remember special shit like that plus I know you well enough. You’re playing me, beating around the god damned bush.”

“I show it though, plenty of times,” now Walt’s hands were shaking, begging for Jesse to calm down but it seemed Walt was just digging his own grave with each thing he said. “I mean I let you put up a tv and the playstation thing in the bedroom, doesn’t that say enough?”

Jesse shot him a look, one he recognized from the arguments he had with Skyler, “Yo are you seriously hearing yourself speak.” The younger man’s voice was already starting to break.

Was he crying already? Walt hated it when Jesse would cry but it was almost too easy for him to, like the dam was barely blocking up the tears as it is.

“I-i-I gave you that key. What else do you think I was trying to say with it?”

“Uhm—I dunno—you wanted it to be easier for me to get in without you having to get off your fat old ass to answer the door?”

“Are you seriously that stupid!”

“Mr. White you’re the stupid one, you’re trying to convince me to stay and you think I will by you calling me stupid. You serious?”

“When did you say you were going? When did that become an option,” the older man’s voice shook as he saw Jesse move side to side, walking further away into the darkest part of the room.  He got up and motioned for him to get closer but Jesse didn’t.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re blowing this completely out of proportion, you should just come to bed. You need to sleep, it’s been a long day.”

Walt watched Jesse contemplating forgiving him, thinking of just going for the easier choice. The gears were turning and he got closer, diverting his gaze elsewhere. Walt gave him a reassuring smile when he was certain he had made his choice. 

“Good. You’ll feel better in the morning,” Walt placed his hand on his rosy cheek, the color fading as he grew calmer.

“You’re just manipulating me cause you’re pussying out. You still can’t say it can you?”

Walt’s heart stopped beating for a split second.

“W-what?”

“Fuck you man. You can say it to your bitch ex-wife, but not to me. Am I just some stand in then…for your games? A pawn or a rook or something what are they called? T-the little guys in the front of the chess board?”

“A pawn,” for a brief moment Walt smiled, he overlooked how engaging Jesse’s face was but at the same time felt guilty for not giving him enough. He still couldn’t cave in, his mouth just didn’t have the breath to say the words, to admit that he was vulnerable even though in this state he was just as fragile. The idea of Jesse leaving and never coming back was like a nightmare coming to life. “How about we watch some movies, get a couple of beers in our system and see where that goes, huh?”

Jesse wrinkled his nose and wiped his eyes, still not flinching from Walt’s touch. But then suddenly there was a fire in his eye as if something clicked. “I can’t believe you want to fuck. After all this,” half way through his sentence he had already swung the door, grabbing his keys from his pocket.  “I’ll fucking show you,” he shrieked.

Walt frantically followed after him, looking side to side to see if any neighbors were outside. “Jesse its late, just come back in. I could skip work tomorrow, I’m sure Gus will understand and we can talk about this! W-what are you doing?”

With a dark look in his eye Jesse slid his key along the side of Walt’s Aztek, causing the most agonizingly painful noise either of them had ever heard.

“Jesse! Jesse,” Walt growled and chased him, trying to get the door open to Jesse’s car door as he tried to shut it. “What are you going to do? Where are you going?” Walt screamed at Jesse through the half open window. “Just stay already!”

“What am I gonna do? What the fuck do you think I’m gonna do? I’m getting wasted, asshole. I’m getting fucking wasted. Thanks for nothing, Mr. White,” and like that he pulled out of the driveway, leaving Walt is such a state, a state he could never imagine himself being in again.

He stood there isolated, his heart sinking down to his stomach, like a hopeless idiot abandoned on his driveway. This was a new house but it didn’t feel any different than all the times it had happened before. It stung like a reopened wound. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super super glad you guys are loving what I've posted so far. Believe me, these comments I get from you guys gets me so giddy and wanting to write more and more. Watch out for typos and now for the melodrama~

What time was it again? Jesse looked at his watch and squinted at it, he couldn’t see so well from the shadows he was shrouded in. He moved his wrist towards the direction of the streetlight he was parked nearby. 

2:35 a.m.

On his lap was a hot dog, one that he contemplated eating but it appeared he had lost his appetite, given what had just occurred. Alright so he wasn’t off getting wasted, he just wanted to make Walter scared and judging by the amount of phone calls he was getting on his cell, the plan had worked.  He just wasn’t ready to answer him, much less listening to the pitiful voicemails he must have left. This wasn’t the first time they fought and Jesse was realistic enough to know it wasn’t going to be the last time either.

After a while of thinking to himself he turned back towards the phone. He flipped it open to see there were 5 missed calls, the icon on the top left corner telling him he had voicemails. It was to be expected.  He could feel his heart beating quickly when he decided to listen to them whether he wanted to or not. There was this desire that overwhelmed him that maybe one of those messages was going to tell him what he wanted to hear, that perhaps Walt had found the right words to say, in the perfect order, with the best of intentions.

“God damnit Jesse. GOD DAMNIT YOU IMBECILE.” Jesse pressed 7 to delete, rolling his eyes.

“Look I get it. You’re upset with me… for a good reason…but you have to see my side—“ Delete.

“You don’t understand, the second you put that needle to your vein—“ Delete.

“Okay okay Jesse, I’m worried. You hear me? I’m admitting it, I’m fucking worried. I swear to god if you don’t answer your god damned phone I will—“ Delete.

“Jesse. I—ah—I want you home. Please don’t—screw up your life, not cause of me.  Please I just. Ugh—I really do—uh nevermind.” Click.

Jesse could feel his eyes swelling up with tears, he wiped them with the sleeve of his hoodie and held his lips tightly together, letting out a small whimper at the corner of his mouth.

Standing up for himself was a good thing right? It was completely justified, he was upset, he was unhappy and for a long time he had been pretending he had it all. But at that moment when he was deciding to take a stand, he wished he could just go back and act like nothing was wrong, to have the luxury to crawl into that bed where Walt was probably tossing and turning staring at the ceiling just worrying about him. Then to tell him that in reality, he was alright, he was just fibbing, just playing a childish game.

After that he could imagine Mr. White being angry, then relieved, burying his head in his neck and pulling him close…mouthing something along the lines of _I’m relieved, I need you here with me, I love you._

It sent chills down Jesse’s spine just imagining it.  His heart thumped so hard in his chest, he could barely breathe.  Then they could fuck real hard, not fuck…what was a better word? Not make love, that always sounded sappy. Jesse opened his eyes when he heard the sudden tapping on his window.

Skinny Pete was smiling widely holding a corn dog in his hand, “Yo! Haven’t seen you around in a long time. Heard you were out of the business.”

Jesse rolled down his window, rubbing his eyes just to hide any trace of tears.  “Yeah yeah I stopped. It’s not my scene anymore.”

“Good  good. We still liked having you around though—“

“Hah, thanks man. We need to hang or something one of these days.”

“Fuck we can right now. Badger’s in the car and we’re heading to a pretty mad party. Lots of girls, lots of,” he made a gesture like he was smoking a joint and started laughing loudly, while on the other hand Jesse looked uncomfortable.

“Naw. I dunno. I’ve got somewhere I gotta be.”

“Where? New piece of ass? You pussy whipped?”

“No. No. Just I gotta be somewhere.”

“C’mon. You think it can wait? Its gonna be real dope to have you there.”

Somewhere deep down Jesse did miss his old life, he missed the guys. He missed not having to think so much, to be the smarter one in the group for once.  It was a much needed distraction. “Alright. Give me the deets then. Where’s it at?”

Music throbbed and hummed as Jesse stood outside a big house where the party was being held. Outside was a girl throwing up, she stood and nearly fell back wiping her mouth. Jesse’s gaze grew fixated on her as he pulled out a cigarette, second guessing whether he had made the right decision. 

“W-what are you looking at,” she groaned, her throat raspy from the acidity of her vomit. 

Jesse nodded side to side lighting his cigarette, furrowing his brow. “Yo how old are you?”

“Old enough,” she looked away, adjusting her short white skirt.  “I just—I had too much.”

“Is it crowded in there?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, then her eyes widened suddenly realizing how good looking this guy was after the fact.  “No—No moving room,” pushing her hair behind her ear, she looked up at him with sunny eyes just hoping he’d notice and he did honestly, it was hard not to. She wasn’t so unattractive herself, Jesse wasn’t used to getting that look anymore.

“Yeah…yeah that’s a good thing though.”

“Really?”

Jesse blew out smoke, smirking. “I’ve been inside for too long you know?”

“No. No I don’t.”

“I’m Jesse. You new to this—this…sort of thing?”

“A little. I’m Ashley, Ashland, Ash-something.”

“Can’t make up your mind,” Jesse chuckled, now warmly looking at her. “It’s cold out here, want to go back inside?”

Inside wasn’t any different than outside, it was dark, almost like a crypt. People were grinding and drinking and doing everything under the sun just to forget whatever they were trying to escape from. With tired eyes Jesse watched them all with a beer in tow, his arm around this girl, he had already forgotten her name.  He was distracted, a million memories triggered at once like he lit the fuse.  This was the same as all the other times before, but somehow it wasn’t, like he was from the outside looking in.

“Pretty crazy right?” the girl smiled. Did she have braces?

Purple and blue rubber bands.

Those were nice colors, he mused as he smiled back.  “How old is old enough,” he asked skeptically.  He had experience with people thinking he was younger than what he really was, so he figured this was the same with her, then again he didn’t want to press on further. Maybe it was better that he didn’t know.

“Ah well,” Ash-whatever stammered.

“Hey took you long enough to get here,” Skinny Pete appeared from the crowd, they did their handshake and Badger pushed in to get his exchange as well. “Hey girl,” Skinny Pete nodded at Jesse’s company. 

“Found a girl already, huh,” laughed Badger. “So where you been at?”

“Uhh around. You know,” Jesse knocked back his drink hoping they wouldn’t ask for specifics.

“Yo he said he IS out of the business,” Skinny Pete shouted at Badger’s direction.

“What?”

He repeated himself and Jesse reclined back rolling his eyes.

“What business,” questioned Ash-whatever.

“I don’t—I don’t really want to say.”

“Drugs?”

“Yeah something like that.”

“Well, hook me up man.”

“I ain’t holding and I don’t plan on—“

Badger held out a baggie full of the blue stuff between his fingers. Jesse eyed it like candy, licking his lips. 

“You talking about this,” Badger cut in, stealing the attention of the teen.

“Is that,” she pointed appearing to be starstruck, “Is that what I think it is?”

“Bro you brought some,” Skinny Pete said patting Badger’s back roughly.

“Yeah cool it! Not so fucking hard. I get it you want some.”

“B-blue sky,” the name finally came to her mind, Ash-whatever’s eyes looking bright but not as bright as Jesse’s.  He looked away, taking his arm off of her smaller shoulder. What on earth was he doing? He took another drink, drawn to the window he looked outside.  Just as his thoughts turned to Walter, his phone began to go off, the buzzing frightening him.

He wasn’t ready to face him, he just let it ring until it stopped, then that one final buzz of yet another voice message. This time he wasn’t going to listen to it.

\--------------

The cellphone fell to the floor, the back of it falling out, the battery sliding away from its original place.  Walt contemplated dropping to his knees and putting the thing together but he didn’t have the energy or the will to do it. Simply enough there was no point, he’d exhausted himself, he’d exhausted all the humility he had left.  For god’s sake he was still a man.

No man would get wasted, and cry on a voicemail that would be played back later, maybe be laughed at.

If Jesse was about to make another catastrophic mistake, it wasn’t on him. God knows it wasn’t on him.

Walter repeated that to himself over and over again, feeling his gut churn.  Instinctively he wanted to curl up, wish for a time machine, and just go back.  He always fell back on those impossible wishes, he often did that, although he wouldn’t like to admit it. But Jesse, being with Jesse, he wouldn’t take that back.  Bringing the glass to his lips, he drank what was left at the bottom. He wasn’t a glass half full sort of guy, he knew just how empty it was, how empty he was. 

The melancholy was unbearable, he’d moved past all the anger, the self-pity, now he was somewhere around the realm of acceptance.  So drunk, he knew if he moved he’d just slump to the floor, his gaze fading in and out, fixated on the part of the couch where Jesse must have slept earlier that night.

When was the sun going to make its appearance? Would he just wake up on his bed like all those times before when he’d drink one too many while going through the motions with Skyler? When he had just found out she had been seeing someone else, a Mr. Ted fucking Beneke? He could remember the blur that was of Jesse’s form worriedly watching over him on the other side of the bed. And with that final image Walter was out, dreaming of his fists clinging to the sheets, his head reverberating with the throbbing intensity of a hangover.  Jesse checking his temperature with the back of his hand, then moving his hand away.

\-------------

Throbbing that echoed in his temples didn’t deter Jesse from the activities that were going. Setting aside his worries he joined the crowd again knowing that they were the only thing he could fall back on.  Reassuring himself he still had some self-control, he decided not to leave. As the night went on his legs grew more wobbly and he began to rely on shoulders to keep himself up.  Badger stared him straight in the eye, Skinny Pete nudging him and egging him on.  The taller one laughed to himself looking clearly wasted, his tongue looser than earlier. 

“There’s word going r-round and I-I just wanted to ask—“

“I can’t believe—man, you’re gonna say it bro,” choked out Skinny Pete, lowering his head and turning his sights elsewhere. 

“There’s word—there’s word, yo, I can’t even fucking say it with a straight face man,” Badger nearly fell but was glad there was a wall to hold him upright. 

“Get on with it man,” Jesse shouted, looking clearly annoyed by the prolonging of the inevitable stupidity that was about to come out of Badger’s mouth. They had reached that point already, that point he loathed. The stupid conversations about god knows what, they made little to no sense but it meant the world to his friends for some odd reason. They spoke like ambassadors trying to negotiate against having an all out war. 

“Give me a sec—ok ok,” Badger had composed himself somewhat, the girl accompanying Jesse watching on with interest.  “That you’ve gone homo with that Heisenberg dude.”

“Ooooh man you said it,” exploded Skinny Pete, waving around his hands like a mad man.  Jesse was taken aback, his mouth dropping.

“W-what? Who the fuck said that,” he managed to speak, the wind almost gone from his lungs.  “Wh-why would they even—what? I-I’m not—“

“Chill, we’re just kidding. Me and this dude,” Badger pointed at Skinny Pete who suddenly looked flustered, “saw you two grocery shopping or some shit and not for any ingredients for that sweet shit you two _used_ to make together”

“Oh,” Jesse’s shoulders dropped, “Well it’s not like—not like that—fuck no. He’s just old and yeah…yeah…he’s uh—lonely, no one wants him around really and he needs the company. He’s so stupid too cause he just forks over the dough so I could help him with dumb, basic things like playing chess or some shit. I’m bleeding him dry, yo.” Near the end of his explanation, he read the expressions of his friends, they all looked convinced from his performance.

“Watch out with old men though,” Skinny Pete added in, “They might be stupid but that dude probably has a pervy side to him, like really skeezy. Like those dudes who try to pick up them trannies you know which ones right? Dress real clean, have wives at home, real fucked up yo.”

“Oh right he does,” Badger snickered, covering his mouth but was surprised to see Jesse wasn’t laughing along with them.  He just tucked his hands into his pockets, looking off into the crowd appearing to be holding something back.  

“Banging trannies, you serious? Naw. He’s a total asshole though,” Jesse slowly said, his thoughts coming out when he didn’t really have any conscious recollection of actually speaking them out loud.  “Not that being gay is a bad thing am I right—“

It was an understatement to say that the looks on both of Jesse’s friends’ were bewildered, they were beyond bewildered. They were downright dumbstruck. 

“Like if you feel something that’s more than you know—just craving dicks or something—,” continued Jesse, he shrugged, steadily raising his gaze to the girl, Skinny Pete and Badger.  Suddenly he felt embarrassed realizing how guilty he must have sounded, he didn’t want them thinking that.  “I’m not talking about me though, just all that gay marriage shit on tv. People trying to change things.”

For some reason Jesse felt he had to prove there wasn’t a single homosexual thought in his head. Despite saying no to all the heavy drugs that were being used in the party he still ended up in a bedroom with a complete stranger. Maybe he’d resist the urge to use by having sex instead, that plan sounded a hell of a lot better. Granted he wasn’t in any danger and the girl wasn’t that much of a stranger. It was his companion for the night and despite feeling a little nervous and guilty, he’d be a liar if he said he didn’t like her company.

She didn’t ask for much and she didn’t say much, she just looked at him a lot until her eyes started drooping. It felt familiar to him, butterflies in his stomach, his arm raising just enough to pull her close as they nestled into each other on the bed.  They didn’t kiss but it looked like she was practically begging for it, her blue eyes now looking greener than before. 

Completely confused and captivated by what seemed to be his street legacy, her mouth opened slightly as if to say something, composing herself not to sound like a complete idiot.

Maybe if Jesse had met her a year ago he’d seize this opportunity with much vigor but instead he found solace in this moment.  There seemed to be an understanding, an unspoken connection. Nothing shallow like he would have thought.  Resting her head on his shoulder she softly laughed.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Jesse smiled, “Doing what?”

“In a bed…with a _guy._ ”

“It’s no biggie really...”

“Are we going to—“

“I-I don’t know,” Jesse pulled out another cigarette and lit it, then offered one to her. 

She motioned a no and got on her elbows, resting her chin against her hand.  “I’m so buzzed—no wait wasted—I can’t go home without—“ Her head rocked side to side, Jesse’s eyes following her movements.

“This isn’t your scene, yo. This is some heavy shit going on around here—aren’t there nicer parties you can be at? Nicer boys you can be—“

“With?”

“…yeah.”

“There was _one_ nice boy,” she dropped her gaze, sitting up as Jesse wrapped his hand around her waist, running it up and down her back as he stared up at her. 

“Just one?”

“Recently yeah…one of those you know, like…sensitive football player types. Jock with a heart.”

“Oh.”

“Never got beyond a drunken handjob really, I—I nearly puked on his you know—“

“Haha yeah I get you, gross.”

“He didn’t care, really. He laughed…” she paused, watching Jesse blow out a cloud of smoke, then she took the cigarette from him.

“Hey!”

“Sorry,” her voice croaked, “I keep wanting cigs but I can’t buy them yet, and it’s stupid to get someone to buy them for me.”

“Hold up how old are you?”

“Twenty,” she squeaked then groaned, “I mean eighteen most times, seventeen when I say the truth.”

Jesse sat up, taking the cigarette back from her. “Decide on your name yet?”

“It’s ah—it’s Abigail.”

“Okay,” he narrowed his eyes. He was in a house full of liars and somehow he found the one person with enough balls to say the truth. 

“It’s a stupid name, it’s my mom’s name. The only thing she really gave me other than the usual load of shit she piles on me.”

Typical, Jesse nodded, he heard this story before. Hell he sympathized with it immensely. Mom and Dad loved their own image more than they loved their own son, even his own brother had no problem with throwing him under the bus. This Abigail girl seemed to come from the same thing with the way she held herself. 

He brought his hand to her face, sliding his thumb down her cheek.  Before he would have lunged at her, kissing her hard, his hands lingering at her thighs, dangerously close to the prize, the prize he’d often find himself dreaming about. He had already lived out that MILF scenario, although it wasn’t exactly pleasant, but this girl, she seemed like a virgin. Her eyes spelled it out. It was yet another fantasy that manifested itself back in his high school days, jerking off to some stupid picture of a Victoria’s Secret model that looked closest to his age.

Was he stuck there? Had he even grown up since then?

Sure he had, he hoped so at least. He had seen people die, the look on Jane’s face had burned into his psyche more than any other unhappy memory he had in his life. 

“I never got this far,” she dropped her head, tears forming in her eyes. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was something else he didn’t know about. “He just stopped answering, I think he was embarrassed of me. Not popular enough, not pretty enough—just not enough…of something. He could never say it, never tell anyone really. If someone would see us that he knew…he’d just you know…walk a mile away from me or just deny it whenever some asshole would ask.” She gave him an apologetic look for getting so deep, she didn’t even know him. This sort of deal was supposed to be fun and spontaneous, like the stuff the more advanced girls would be rumored doing, like whatever shit she’d see on tv.

Jesse didn’t mind though, each time he looked at her he felt more at ease but still something nagged at him, that resounding guilt. Him and Walt weren’t even a thing, no label, no discussion, nothing. But why did going further than this feel wrong?

She was just there for the taking. Since Jesse still had done and said nothing, Abigail bravely poised herself to go further and leaned in to kiss his neck softly. He shivered, that guilt forming a knot in his stomach, making him feel ill.  It ate at him how badly he wanted to return to affection but he just lay still, his mind racing, his forearms shaking as he held himself up.

Her hands ran through his hair, messing it up, sending a jolt of electricity down his back and to his crotch.  Yet another kiss before she decided to move up to press one onto the corner of his lips, and suddenly he was awakened to his senses.  He held her by the shoulders and pushed her away, letting out a frustrated groan.

 _God damnit Mr. White_ , was the thought that resounded through his head.

“I—I, I can’t,” he whined, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. “I’m in something complicated and—“

Clearly she looked hurt, her lower lip quivering. “Did I?”

“No. You were perfect honestly,” Jesse moved away from her and hung his legs off the side of the bed. “A-And that guy. He’s a complete dick, don’t waste your time thinking about him. The thing is…when you get older…you realize you don’t got forever you know?”

“O-okay?”

“He should be happy he’s got something good with you. Fuck what everyone else says, it’s just you and that person that’s in the relationship, not the rest of the god damned world. He’s a coward, you hear me?”

Not that he felt any different just earlier. Jesse rubbed his eyes again, his throat feeling dry. “And earlier—that dude they were talking about, that whole stupid story I spun. It’s a fucking lie. That Heisenberg dude, he’s the complicated thing I’m in—“

Abigail looked stunned, “You mean…that pervy old guy?”

“Yeah…well—no he’s not a perv,” Jesse paused and dumbly smiled to himself, “Alright he can be one _sometimes_. But yeah I love him, I can’t help it.” Somehow saying it out loud was like a weight off his shoulders, it felt good. “When he’s not a complete asshole shit for brains, he’s good to me. Better than anyone else. I can’t get him to say the things I want him to say but that’s like—I’m wanting him to be somebody else. I didn’t fall in love with somebody else, I fell in love with him. I think I just have to wait and see, I guess. That’s the shitty part about it.”

“Ok,” she adjusted her camisole just to cover enough of her cleavage. “Good luck with that, I guess.”

“You should just. You know—this shit isn’t good for you and be good to yourself okay,” she nodded contemplating his advice and with one final look Jesse curled his lip upwards enough for it to register as a smile, then he was gone, just as the sun began to come out from behind the clouds.

\-----------------

The night hadn’t been kind to Walter, he had drifted in and out of consciousness, now feeling an overwhelming sense of sobriety.  Although tempted to pop some pain medication, he had decided not to, not because of the danger of mixing alcohol with painkillers but because of the strenuous walk from the living room to the bathroom.  He told himself eventually that door would open, or maybe the phone would ring. He’d keep still until then, possibly it was the worry or the anger at the pit of his stomach that kept his eyes wide open. Eyes extra puffy, his whites red, all moisture gone from them, they were as dry as the desert air, but they were still open.

Then as fate would see it, Jesse opened the front door slowly, his clothes practically falling off, his hair disheveled. It appeared he looked just as awful as Walt did.  Walking slowly, he crept like a cat ready to pounce on his prey, in this case the prey was the research paper he had printed the day before.  The back of his neck tingled, goosebumps traveling down his spine. If Walt were upset, he would stay awake, he’d stay in the living room. Once the dots were connected, Jesse dreaded turning towards the room where Walt resided, watching him through slits for eyes.

“I see you’re back,” Walter’s voice croaked. “What piece of shit place were you at then?”

“None of your business yo,” Jesse rubbed his eyes, his shoulders slouching inwards. “It was just a place. I gotta jet to class so, if you don’t _mind_.”

“Oh I mind. I _so_ mind,” somehow Walt found the will to stand up, fire burning in his veins when he snatched the paper from Jesse’s hands knowing that would make him stay. “You have any conscious recollection of what just occurred, of what you told me or to add to your stupidity, you also have the short term memory span of a goldfish?”

“Way harsh man,” cringed Jesse. “You make it kind of hard to forget. What was it? Like ten voicemails from you? I’d never take you for a needy ex-girlfriend.”

“Ex?”

“I didn’t mean—“

Walt never took break ups well even if Jesse was just using the metaphor figuratively rather than literally.

Something clicked in Jesse, something that had bothering him for a long time, “Ex what Mr. White? We’re not anything, no ex anything. Don’t get so butthurt over something that isn’t there.”

“What are you even going on about? I’ve said we’re—“

“Together right? What the hell does that even mean?”

Walter stayed quiet, lowering his head, wiping the dribble from the side of his mouth. He looked like a man knocked off his pedestal, “Together means together,” he lifted his gaze to Jesse’s feebly, he really didn’t want to go there but he was willing to voice himself even if it was vague.  Anything just to keep Jesse around a minute longer.

Jesse just stood there not responding, he was dumbstruck then a small smile crept up on his lips.  Walt wasn’t concerned with this facial expression since his eyes went back down to the floor and because Jesse didn’t respond fast enough he fell back on tough love.

“Fine do you want me to get out my dictionary and define it for you?”

“Look just chill out old man. I’m running late and I don’t want to argue or talk or anything, I just gotta get to class,” covering his face with his sleeve he let out a long groan. “I’d like a shower but obviously that isn’t going to happen.”

“Well if you’re in such a god damned hurry you won’t mind me taking you to your class myself.”

“Yo what is wrong with you? You think that’s not where I’m headed? That I’m lying.”

“Never trust a drug addict right, you’re just ripe full of lies,” hissed Walter, grabbing his keys and going out the front door. There was no way out of this, Jesse cursed out loud and stomped on the floor before going out the door.

“I didn’t use shit man! I was just bs-ing you just to get a fucking reaction.”

“Good job cause you got one, now get in the god damned car.”

For a brief moment Jesse overlooked the damage he did to Walt’s poor Aztek, the long scratches from his keys that chipped off the light green paint. It was an ugly car, no doubt about that, he always referred to it as the soccer mom car which was only met by objections by Walt each time, but even then he didn’t wish this on it.

“God Mr. White, I’m sober enough to drive myself in my own fucking car,” moaned Jesse when he slammed the door, Walter just shot a glare in his direction, then grumbled something to himself.

“Thought you said your circulatory system was pristine and clean and judging by your current state, I’d say you were lying after all.”

“Oh real subtle. You saying I look like shit?”

“Bingo.”

“You ever look in the mirror?”

Walter scoffed and looked at his bloodshot eyes in the rearview window, then decided it was best he’d shut his mouth.  Jesse bit his lip knowing he hit a nerve and stayed silent, staring out the window for the remainder of the ride. And as if rational thinking returned to Walt, he licked his lips, this time deciding to speak softer.

“Did you or—I don’t want you to think I’d hate you forever. I just need to know.”

Jesse read Mr. White’s expression, he meant well, it appeared he was over the anger at least for this split second so he chose to cave in. If he didn’t open up, the lesson he learned earlier might as well been for nothing.

“I got drunk, smoked some weed, nothing wrong. I felt in over my head though—so stupid.”

“Honestly,” Walt stared up on the stoplight, tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel. “Honestly, _honestly_?”

“Yeah man. I learned some stuff too—“

“About yourself,” he looked over to Jesse concerned, then back to the light.

“No Mr. White, about us,” Jesse bit his nails, the light behind his blues making them clearer.

“Oh,” Walt stared down at his lap half expecting the break up speech. He dreaded it but he felt it coming, the result of his inability to ever open up and act like a normal human being.

“Yo. Mr. White. It’s green.”

There was a honk behind Walter, and he muttered an expletive and waved, mouthing a _fine, fiiiine_.

“Ok so what? What about that dreaded pronoun, _us_.”

“Well—“

“Just get on with it then,” cursed Walt, sounding more hurt than he would have liked to have intended.

“I met a girl at th-the place I was at.”

Oh god, this was going in the direction Walt had predicted. He could feel his heart shriveling up, and his body growing tense, his mind barely on the road in front of him. He switched lanes and nearly hit the vehicle driving next to him.

“Mr. White what the fuck! Did you not see that truck right there,” Jesse screamed and Walt just shook his head side to side panicked.

“No, I swear. I didn’t see him, not even in my peripheries.”

“Look we can have this talk later—“

“No. Jesse. NOW. We will have this talk now.”

“I’m just—you seem so—not all there or something.”

“I’m fine. I’m just fine,” Walt ground his teeth together.

“Well,” Jesse gave Walt a troubled look, cocking an eyebrow, then let out a sigh. “I met her and well—we like got on fine—like real fine.”

“Yeah yeah whatever,” waved Walt. “Get to the meaty part.”

“And I—ah to tell the truth man—I really considered sleeping with her like—really really.”

“Great and I assume you went through with it,” groaned the older man, pulling to an abrupt stop right outside the building of Jesse’s class.

“No that’s the thing Mr. White. I—ah I couldn’t…it felt wrong.”

“I don’t understand,” Walt was in complete disbelief at the route Jesse’s conversation had taken, his eyes were wide, Jesse didn’t know his eyes could get that wide.

“I didn’t use and I didn’t bone her, honest to god Mr. White. I think I realized that I only really—you know,” Jesse grew bashful, tucking his paper into his backpack. “Whatever we are, it’s the real deal for me, I don’t want anyone else…except—like—you know…you. I love you, like—a lot. A lot a lot.”

“A lot a lot?” Walt raised his eyebrows, his eyes now a little glossed over.  “I just—I don’t know—“

“It’s heavy shit yeah… after our fight and everything. I worried maybe I was just lying to you half the time when I’d say the things I’d say but I guess I wasn’t.”

Dropping his shoulders, Walter was relieved, the corner of his lip pulling upwards. He shut his eyes and let the words finally come out even though he felt like he was about to hear the deafening sound of his jail cell being closed on him on death row. “I’m reasonably upset Jesse…but I love you too.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Now Sky don’t be so ashamed really. Everyone understands what you’re going through is a very…difficult period in your life,” Marie held onto Skyler’s limp hand. “I mean it happens to everyone at some point…well mostly during that college…stage but—you are not the exception anymore huh? We’re over that hurdle.”

Skyler didn’t seemed to be convinced, her lips in a perpetual frown, her skin a deathly pale, a sinking feeling in her stomach.  The sun was making her headache much worse but the sleep appeared to have done her some good. Walt Jr. was locked up in his room, music blaring when he really should have been eating breakfast with his mother.  Her eyes lingered on the empty chairs regretfully, a bowl of colorful fruit salad left uneaten in the middle of the table.

“I don’t know why I did what I did. It was a disaster,” she spoke softly in disbelief. “I’m playing the role of the bitch mother perfectly. I deny it and deny and deny—“

“Nonsense, shut it,” Marie cut her off, with her finger in the air. “You are anything but. Give yourself a break for once.”

“But—I made a fool of myself,” Skyler ground her teeth, “I have been acting civil up until now and with the way I’ve been drinking all this booze, how am I any different than him—“

“Him who? Oh…his _lover_ ,” Marie said the final word in the most scandalous way possible, it was almost eye-roll inducing on Skyler’s side. “Now about him—“

Skyler was perfectly aware of where the conversation was headed.  Looking visibly distressed, she didn’t want to take part in it. This tone of voice was recognizable even from back when they’d talk under the sheets about boys in middle school. This wasn’t kiddy gossip, this was her life they were discussing. Skyler covered her face, suppressing the groan that desperately wanted to come out.

“What Marie? Come out and say it.”

“You think what they have is real? I mean—not that Walt isn’t a uh—uh a good looking man, especially for his age but seriously?”

“Seriously what?”

“His old drug dealer is suddenly now his soulmate? _C’mon._ Maybe this kid is in it for the money?”

“Oh god no,” protested Skyler. Jesse was somewhat a male equivalent of a trophy wife but it definitely wasn’t that, she’d feel more relieved if it was. Those shallow sorts of relationships were always temporary, there’d still be hope Walter would be awakened to his senses but that was hardly the case.  If anything, the looks, the gestures, they pretty much said it all. It was horrifically genuine and it was hard to swallow especially being in her place. “…money?” for a second she thought Marie knew the truth but the lie she told on her ex-husband’s behalf came to mind, “Oh you mean, the gambling money?”

“Yeah,” laughed Marie, “What other money did Walter happen to stumble on?”

Skyler thoughtfully ran her finger around the lid of the Starbucks coffee her sister had brought by, licking her lips.

“I’m sorry. I’m not all _there_.”

Why the loyalty? She felt her heart sink. Why after everything? Of course it all circled back to family, she’s doing this for her family. Some childish part of her wanted to make Walt suffer, just a little, just to get back at him for everything he put her through. She left him because he wasn’t the man she loved anymore but somehow she saw him reverting back little by little, it killed her that perchance she should have waited, that she shouldn’t have been so quick to get that divorce.  That aching possibility was what made her heart ache. Down to it she just wanted him to say the right words, do the right thing, prove himself and pass the test, light the fire that had long since went cold. But he didn’t. Instead he moved on.

At that very moment, the second she saw them together at that dinner it dawned on her that maybe this wasn’t some waiting period. Her place had already been taken.

“How about I take a sick day from work, I never miss and we can go shopping or something—,” It appeared Marie had been talking the entire time, and Skyler blindly nodded, then shook her head.

Going out shopping with her kleptomaniac sister didn’t seem to be the way she would like to spend her day. “No. No. I’ll be fine with some bed rest.”

“Alright then. How about I take your burdensome little brussel sprout off your hands instead,” Marie said in glee, almost like she had been hoping for the opportunity to arise. Nodding Skyler raised a hand to get her to lower her voice that was grating at her eardrums. “And what about Junior?”

“What about Junior,” muttered Skyler unenthusiastically. “He’ll go to school without a word. Come back without a word. If I’m lucky I’ll get him to eat dinner if Louis doesn’t happen to come by and whisk him away from this poisonous environment.”

“Oh. And things were just getting better right?”

“You can say that…maybe they were improving. Not perfect but--,” longingly Skyler looked over to the direction of the hall. The door opened and her son appeared with his backpack on, his eyes diverted from her entirely.

“Hey there handsome,” cooed Marie but the most she got from the teenager was an exasperated groan. “How about after school Hank picks you up so you two could have some man time?”

“I-I don’t know,” he responded coldly. The answer was clearly a no, Marie looked hurt and let out a sigh, exchanging a look with Skyler.

This appeared to be the opportunity to apologize, the words were somewhere in Skyler’s mouth but they were having a hard time coming out. It wasn’t pride that made her stop trying, she knew better. These things blow over, he’d learn to talk to her again, he just needed time to himself and she respected that.

“Louis is outside,” uttered the boy, exiting out of the house with the slight slamming of the door, not exactly against the door slamming rules but still sending a message his mother read loud and clear.

There was a shared silence between the sisters before Marie decided to take the conversation to a different direction, “So you and Ted?”

“I haven’t answered his phone calls in days,” Skyler bluntly responded, hearing the car door shut outside.

Marie was dumbstruck, “That’s surprising—with the way you’d always talk. You’d speak so highly of him.”

“I don’t know what to say about it.”

“Don’t tell me you still—“

“Want Walter? No. God no.”

“Well then?”

“Am I supposed to know what I want? I don’t want this—any of this,” her voice shook, Holly somehow sensing her anxiety and crying in the other room. “It’s not a man, I know that much.”

\-------------

The car continually dinged once Jesse got out the car, he hadn’t shut the door right. Walt watched him go, frustrated and annoyed at the noise. He reached over and closed it, putting the ding to a stop. A scene kept replaying in his mind, that look of relief that overcame Jesse’s face upon hearing those words. The muscles on his face growing relaxed, his expression so much softer than before, like a weight falling from his shoulders.

I love you.

Did he know the weight of them or was he still living in a prepubescent wonderland?

Walt practically had to shake him off just to get him to go to class, his own limbs heavy with a plethora of emotions, none of which he cared to identify. Ultimately he wondered should he stay or should he go?

He decided it was best to stay, his mind still lingering on all the what ifs, on whether or not Jesse was being untruthful. No doubt, Walt was on cloud nine but he was fully aware the effects it could have on his decision making skills. He wasn’t going to take the risk, he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t let Jesse stray again. Not a chance, were they going that route.  His hands slid up and down the steering wheel before reclining his head backwards, staring up at nothing in particular.

_You’re so awesome, Mr. White._

Is that seriously the response Walt wanted? Why did Jesse say those things, why did he have to kiss him so softly, so differently than all those other times before? Everything added up that they were an uneven fit, even people would give them uncomfortable stares whenever they’d be out together.

And most of all what of that girl? It drove him up the wall just thinking of someone touching _his_ Jesse, although realistically she wasn’t the only guilty party. But how far did it go? How far did they take it? Walt could feel his mind racing, dreaming up all the scenarios. There was no answering his questions though, he highly doubted if he’d be satisfied with the truth anyway.

So for the meantime he decided to distract himself as music hummed from his radio in the background but it only took him back to the tactics he’d used to fall back on right after Jesse got out of rehab, after he stayed in his house.

God, if he could just rewind time and get his head out of his ass, maybe he would have been able to say his feelings sooner. Walt found his mind wandering to back then. No matter what he was always on the side of the line stammering whatever plea for a call back, begging with barely any grasp on his pride. 

Always with the fucking voicemail. Press this for this. Put this password, whatever. It was still new for him.

\--------------  

 “Hey I haven’t heard from you for a while. I was trying to check on you, y-your well-being. How’s that school thing going? Update me alright? This is Walt, ok?” Walt hung up the cell taking a moment to collect himself, to let his heart beat die down. It was hard for him to keep up, it had been long enough that he’d been waiting around for a phone call for Jesse. It was getting to be a grueling ritual already; getting home, dropping the keys on the counter, checking his voicemails on his drop cell and his home phone.

This was at the point when he wasn’t sure if they had made that transition yet from business partners to friends. Still nothing. There were just messages for satellite packages and telemarketers asking for payments from whoever happened to have that number before him.

This was strange really, he had gone from hoping Skyler would call in the hopes of reconciliation to just wanting Jesse to call to say hey. That was a simple enough wish, right? Given the chance, if he found the time he’d drop by unannounced and have his suspicions proved wrong for once.  That much he could hope for.

A couple of hours passed and he was already getting ready for bed. Listlessly he watched his own reflection as he brushed his teeth side to side, remembering to go over his gums before cleaning the inside of his cheeks. Same old same old. Just as he was brushing his tongue, the phone began to ring.  Not his drop phone, but his home phone. Jesse wasn’t the person to come to mind but when he saw the caller ID, he saw that it was him.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mr. White. S-Sorry about that,” his voice sounded drained.

Walt was now already expecting the worst.

“N-no it’s alright. Hah. Wasn’t sure if you were going to call back or not.”

“I got home late from the library, studying for shit you know? I have this huge ass test and I dunno if I’m ready.”

“Well it hasn’t been that long right? It’s not a midterm or anything?”

“No, it’s the first test though. I’m never good with that. I mean—you’d know,” Jesse’s sentence faded off into awkward laughter.

“Mmhmm. What subject?”

“Oh history. It’s a no big deal sort of thing, it’s just memorizing shit.”

“Well if you want,” Walt nervously tapped on the marble counter, “I can help?” What was he doing? There he was offering his services when the conversation should have probably just been idle chit chat, a progress report.

There was a brief moment of silence on Jesse’s end like the gears were turning. Walt somehow knew he was contemplating whether or not it was worth it, if he even wanted to willingly be in his company.

“I-I guess. Aren’t you busy or something?”

“No,” ok that sounded pitiful. Walt sighed remembering the stack of books on his nightstand, just waiting to be read. “I am busy but I’m willing to make some time for you,” he shrugged, hoping his fake casual gesture could be read through his voice and into the phone. “The first few semesters are the worst, from what I remember.”

Again silence.

“Why are you being so nice Mr. White?” Jesse mumbled as he messed with his hair, pulling his knees up close to his chin.

“I- ah don’t know really,” maybe he was just bored, looking for any distraction.  The more honest answer was probably he was looking for anything to fill the open space.  “Because you need positivity, you need someone to have your back. Unless that role is occupied already?”

“No, I guess not. No one comes up but I’m tired. “

“Studying in the morning will do you better, you should rest up you know.”

“Ok. Your place or mine?” Jesse sounded painfully exhausted, Walt cringed. 

“Tomorrow, my place, I can make the coffee,” Walt chuckled, lowering his head, pulling his robe tight. 

“And are you serious…in the morning?” the younger man whined, “You have some like—memorizing tips? Ones that’ll actually work?”

“We’ll see. Maybe you should actually learn for once?”

“Oh c’mon. I’m seriously rethinking this.”

“I can guarantee you if you listen to me you won’t fail. Do you want failure?”

“…no.”

Handing Jesse a warm mug only elicited an agonizingly long groan out of him instead of a thank you the next morning, Walt cocked an eyebrow then tapped on the notebook with chicken scratch on it. 

“What it looks like to me is that you’ve spent much more time scribbling…what is that,” he picked up the notebook and squinted, adjusting his glasses. “Are those breasts? You drew breasts? Didn’t you used to actually draw people?”

“I still do, I was just distracted,” spat out Jesse, then he angrily took a sip out of the mug. 

“You just look like you’re regressing, these are terrible.”

“The tits? I think they looked just like the real thing.”

Walt’s jaw dropped. “No you imbe—,” he stopped himself before going any further, “No.” He attempted to sound calmer. “Your notes, your _god_ …damned notes. They are just awful. I can’t even begin to get an idea of what your professor has gone over in the lectures. “

“I ah—I have the page numbers and she printed out an outline thing if that means anything. I keep going over that.”

“You should have told me that then. So when’s the exam?”

“Today…this afternoon.”

Rolling his eyes, Walt seated himself next to Jesse, leaning over to grab the books. “We’ve got some work to do, then.”

“Yeah,” Jesse messed with his hair nervously, he was conflicted why he was fondly watching Walt distracted with organizing all of the papers.  He had deep lines in his forehead as one hand rubbed his temple before leaning his chin against his knuckles, his sleeves rolled up and one button left unbuttoned on his collar.

Jesse’s eyes brightened, briefly running his tongue over his chapped lips. There were some more papers next to his hands, some part of him wished Walt would reach over again.

He summed it all up to loneliness and needing some human contact. In all his classes, he felt so out of his element, in a room full of strangers. They seemed so used to it and although the pickings of pretty girls were plenty, he wasn’t ready to jump right in. Familiar was what he wanted even if he was spending more time being away from it, right now Walt bitching him out was somewhat comforting. 

The old man was grumbling and cursing to himself. Mouthing an _oh riiiight_ , every now and again, while tapping the mechanical pencil in his hands.

“You miss this stuff?” Jesse chimed in, interrupting Walt’s thoughts. His greens looked up at Jesse’s blues, irritated from his chain of thought being broken.

“What,” he grunted.

“You know, school things,” Jesse sat up and crossed his arms, resting his elbows on the counter.

“I don’t know. No. Not really. I didn’t intend on becoming a teacher in the first place, it just happened out of necessity. I had a family to support.”

“So you don’t miss anything?”

“Not necessarily,” he dropped his head and sighed, “It felt redeeming at times, but most times it was degrading.”

“Yeah kids shat all over you.”

“You were one of them,” he’d never let him forget that one.

The weight of the world was lifted off Jesse’s shoulders once he let go of his pride for that one moment, “…I’m sorry.”

Walt raised his gaze to his, surprised, he had expected a mean spirited retort but not this. He shook his head and shrugged, “You were young. One would hope you’d learn from the error of your ways. Have you?”

What a heavy question, Jesse wasn’t sure how to answer. 

“I don’t want to fuck up, Mr. White,” he said weakly and uncertain of himself.

Again Walt looked straight at him, this time his eyes warm with reassurance and a little bit of sympathy.  “Maybe we’ll make these meetings—a reoccurring thing then?”

Jesse suddenly grew bashful, a tint of pink on his cheeks as he buried his head in his notebook, leafing through the blank pages.  “Hmm yeah…I guess. As long as I get an A out of this.”

Strangely enough, Jesse’s grades did improve with each visit he made. The two of them were branching out and covering other classes Jesse was taking. But gradually it was getting more about spending time together than actually working. They found themselves going back to the old routine they had when Jesse was staying over. A lot had changed since then, Walt was right, when Jesse had his mind occupied with other things, the struggle of waking up day to day got a little easier.  He felt better, but more importantly he felt better with _him_.

Jesse kept on finding it harder to go home at the end of each visit. Beer after beer, he decided he didn’t want to go.  This was probably the third or fourth time already that he’d done this.

“You have classes tomorrow?” Walt mumbled, trying to get a popcorn kernel out from in between his gums. Jesse was having a hard time keeping his eyelids open, one was drooping more than the other as his head fall back.

“N-no. I think I’m really d-drunk Mr. White. I-it’s all fuzzy.”

“I told you, you were having one too many. What’s wrong with you?”

Again with the heavy questions, except this time Jesse offered up a straight forward answer.

“I’m lonely…as fuck.”

Instinctively Walt wanted to say that Jesse should get out, go to a bar, make some friends, meet a girl but it wasn’t so easy.  He just sighed, Jesse needed to stay away from all of those things, he needed alone time to improve, the same could go for himself.

“Can I stay,” Jesse drawled out, looking at Walt with glossy, drunken eyes.

“You don’t even need to ask,” the older man bitterly said, “who else is there to object?”

“Well—you. Y-you could object.”

The thought hadn’t struck Walt’s mind, he was just so used to him already.  He leaned against the arm of the chair, thinking to himself. Always thinking about numbers, worrying about his and Gale’s output, wondering about how mysterious his new boss was. There was so much, it was overwhelming, but still he was surprisingly calm.  When he looked back, Jesse had already drifted off, appearing to be much more of an angel in his sleep than whenever he was awake.  Without much hesitation, he leaned over him and took the bottle that hung loosely in his hand, staring at it for a second before bringing it to his lips and finishing it off.

It was an intimate gesture but Walt tried to not linger on why he did it. It just felt natural.

Jesse stirred in his sleep and attempted to curl up, his mind possibly still stuck thinking he was in his big bed back at home.

_Damnit Jesse._

Walt clicked off the tv hoping it’d wake him. Still nothing. He got closer and shook him, his touch gentle but firm.  “You need to sleep in a bed for once for god’s sake,” grumbled Walt, his deep voice waking up Jesse just enough for him to mouth a response.

“Fine, let me sleep in yours then,” it took a beat for Jesse to realize how wrong it sounded, even Walt looked a little staggered. “Y-you can sleep on the couch, I mean,” laughed the younger man as he stretched out his legs.

“Good one, but this habit of yours—“

“What, m-me sleeping here? I don’t mean to.”

Perhaps he didn’t, Walt knew Jesse wasn’t smart enough to be a manipulating bastard like he was but he could just be acting like a child, on pure subconscious.

“It’s just,” Jesse’s tone of voice shifted into something more sorrowful, “Aunt Ginny’s y-you know…the anniversary of her….y-you know. I don’t want to be back there. I c-cant.” He slumped down into the couch, looking much smaller, Walt just nodded and reached over to cradle his shoulders. Jesse was too compliant to the touch, to the point that he nestled himself close to him.

“It’s ok son, you can stay as long as you want. At moments like these, it’s good to be close to your support system…it lowers the chances of you…r—relapsing. You just have to tell me these things for fuck’s sake. I can’t just read your mind.”

After muttering several _it’s oks_ he rubbed Jesse’s shoulders. He forgot that once he pat down on the fabric, how small Jesse really was.  Layer upon layer of clothing, why did Jesse feel the need to feel so much bigger than he already was? Jesse muttered something into Walt’s white t-shirt which caused Walt to ask him what he said.

“You’re so w-warm, I like this. I-I like you,” the younger man drawled, nuzzling his head against Walt’s chest.

Must have been the alcohol speaking. Walt pretended not to hear him and tried to get into a more comfortable position, accepting that this embrace wasn’t going to end any time soon.

“So are we going to sleep like this,” laughed Walt, and Jesse nodded.

“I wish,” there was a pause as Jesse collected his thoughts, his voice almost had a whiny tone to it. “God I used to hate you so much.”

“Wow,” Walt breathed out, resting his back on the arm of the chair as Jesse curled in closer, his hands now grasping at Walt’s form hoping that he’d just stay still. “Hate’s a strong word.”

“You were such an asshole.”

“Again, wow.”

“Shut up, i-it’s not like anything you haven’t heard.”

The kid was right, Walt felt himself want to smile but he decided not to. Taking the opportunity he ran one of his hands through Jesse’s dirty blonde hair, the straight spikes going through between his open fingers.  Walt hadn’t taken the time to realize he was drunk too and gradually he was warming up to this, whatever this was. It was nice.

“What made you stop hating me, huh,” the older man had to admit he was curious. Jesse had such a jagged edge before but now he was talking about feelings and such, it was to the point he could barely even send him home without an argument.

“Oh,” Jesse rested his head on Walt’s stomach, his eyes staring at the blank television screen, “Little things you do. Nice things. You s-stopped calling me stupid or whatever. Like, you’d say it a lot b-before, now it’s…like—not all the time.”

“Yeah I still say it though.”

“That feels good,” Jesse shut his eyes and let out a noise Walt wasn’t sure he was comfortable hearing.

That was it. Walt was shocked out of the position and gently got Jesse off of him. 

“Did I say something—“ the younger man looked startled and apologetic.

 “No of course not. I’m just tired and I got work and you know what—“

Jesse’s blue eyes pierced into Walt’s making him feel guilty for feeling awkward in the first place and breaking off the contact. There wasn’t a single sign that Jesse had any other intentions other than just wanting someone to hold him, Walt knew well enough that Jesse had no one else. But there was something that stopped him from letting it go any further, any more intimate, he was scared that he was really starting to like his company.  It stopped feeling like he had to be there for him and more like he wanted to be there for him.

“You can have the bed,” the older man tucked his hands into his pants, watching Jesse get up off the couch looking almost a little bit disappointed. He almost thought Jesse was going to ask if he could join him.

“Yo, you sure,” Jesse softly said, rubbing his eyes where tears must have been forming, like a lost child.  

Slowly nodding, Walt diverted his eyes elsewhere just to ease the tension, it was overwhelming.  He could hear Jesse sliding his feet down the hall, knocking off his shoes and then the inevitable squeaky sound of him throwing himself against the bed.

Eventually Jesse could be heard snoring from the bedroom as Walt brushed his teeth in the bathroom, this time he brushed them with purpose.   When he had spit and wiped his mouth with his arm, he overlooked himself, in his white t shirt, stained from whatever junk food they had eaten. It reminded him of back in college, staying up with Elliot, watching television when they had decided they were all out of thinking power.  Walt didn’t find himself missing him much, if anything he missed having any type of potential. He wished he hadn’t asked Gretchen out, it just further complicated things.  But he was lonely and she was beautiful, she had a smile that lit up a room, a sunny disposition that balanced out his overbearing cynicism.  How could he have known it’d turn out the way it had? 

He traced his fingers along the lines underneath his eyes.  Wrinkles, everywhere, and they weren’t the kinds that made him look wise and distinguished, he just appeared drained, the light fading from his eyes.  He lost Skyler, he lost his family, he still had his job, but for what?

His shoulders slouched. 

Jesse snored louder, then sharply gasped.  “Mr White?”

“Yeah,” Walt answered.

“Oh. Ok,” his voice calmer once he knew Walter was still around.

And that was it, Walt bashfully smirked.  He gargled his listerine then was on his way to the couch for the night.

\---------------

Ah yes that was the start of it, Walt felt himself smile, his eyes glazed over with a contradicting sadness. Jesse, had a choke hold on him since the day they met and it just developed from there. Something bittersweet but somehow it could go in every which direction.  

When Jesse was supposed to be taking notes during class, he was distracted by a nagging lovesick feeling, just tugging and pulling at him.  He took off his hoodie and bit on his mechanical pencil, his mind drifting elsewhere.

L-O-V-E

_Gross._

But still he couldn’t shake it off, he couldn’t get his mind off of his partner, boring old Mr. White. And what now though? They were living together, Walt gave him the keys and everything. Jesse could bring in more of his stuff so he could feel like this was his home too, despite the fact anywhere Walt was felt like home. 

_Again, gross._

Still it was exciting that he was really leaving his mark outside of the typical dirty boxers thrown on the floor of the bedroom.

“Okay so for our next project we’re going to use different mediums, each of the same exact picture,” the professor scribbled on the whiteboard messily. “Charcoal, prismacolors, pastels, ink. But first you must turn in a sketch of the drawing you have set in mind for my approval. This sketch is going to be due on…” she paused and bit on the edge of her marker, “I shouldn’t do that, who knows where it’s been.” The class uneasily laughed and Jesse shot his head up, suddenly paying attention.  “Okay on Friday is when I see you guys next right?”

“Yes,” chimed in a voice coming from the front row.

Jesse raised his hand, the teacher nodded acknowledging him.

“So we can draw anything,” the entire class looked at him, it made him feel like what he imagined a chicken leg from el pollos hermanos would feel underneath the heat lamp. 

“Right. Anything.  Just nothing pornographic but that’s up for interpretation what’s pornographic and what’s not,” she laughed. There was a bohemian look to her, like someone who liked thinking outside the box but no one seemed to appreciate her sense of humor, if Jesse’s brain worked a little faster, he probably would have laughed along with her. “But yes anything you can think of, you can do.”

“Cool,” Jesse felt a little excited. Every time he’d go to class there’s be this set standard, a series of rules, guidelines he was expected to follow but he never had the freedom to do whatever he wanted and get graded on that.

Class breezed by and he had fifteen minutes before he’d go to his government class, he went outside the building and lit a cigarette, staring at the ants carrying away pieces of doritos someone must have crushed with their feet. His neck ached so he stretched it, then he caught sight of Walt’s car was in the parking lot, he appeared to be on the phone. 

“I’m not feeling so well but I can trust you enough to keep an eye on the equipment. I know tomorrow I’ll be there bright and early, hopefully my mind clearer. Yes I understand. I already talked to one of Gus’ men and he’ll relay the message to him, I just wanted to personally let you know. I’m not leaving you high and dry or anything,” Walt weakly laughed, “Look who it is, it’s Jesse.” He half hoped Gale would hang up but he was still on the line. He wasn’t sure if he heard a huff of air over on Gale’s side instead.

“Who ya talking to,” Jesse dragged out flirtatiously as he leaned into the car, dropping the cigarette and putting it out with his sneaker.

“Thanks Gale, I’m going to get lots of rest. Have a good day yourself.” Walt let out a sigh and gazed up at Jesse with what seemed like a melancholy look. “I’m not going to work after all,” he rubbed his head, “I need to think, I need some rest.”

“Yeah?” Jesse did a little jig, untucking the back of his jean that went into his shoe. 

“I’ll wait here.”

“You sure? I have another class and that one lasts a long time. Uh—this one was like an hour plus, and you were here the whole time?”

“Yes,” Walt held his lips tightly together, “Don’t worry about me.”

“You keep saying that, but I’m not believing it, yo. What’s so fun about hanging out in a parking lot?”

Then suddenly it clicked.

Walt still didn’t trust him. This time Jesse chose against throwing a fit, he picked up his backpack and hung it on his arm by one of the straps, falling a little backwards from the weight.  For whatever reason it was still forgivable, he couldn’t blame Walt, it was just another sign of how much he cared. Despite it bothering him, he could live with it, he didn’t exactly have sparkling marks when it came to telling the truth.

“So when you get out, where do you plan on wanting to eat? It’ll be on me,” Walter changed the subject, Jesse stood up straight and made a pout, trying to think of where. His mind came up blank, so he kicked at the dirt on the pavement, sending some pebbles flying.

“I—uh don’t know,” he squinted at Walt, who just reclined his head back onto the seat, exasperated at Jesse’s lack of decision making skills. The kid was hardly ever sure of himself, it was frustrating.

“Well after class we’ll see then,” Walt attempted to sound calm talking through his teeth, trying not to show how hurt he still was, how uncertain he was about the night before.  Either way there was a great deal of damage and probably saying he loved him just dug them deeper in the hole. It was debatable if it was to plant a seed, or if it was their own grave.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of looked this over in a rush, so expect some typos. This is a shorter chapter than usual but the next one is super long so that's something to look forward to. Thanks for reading. Also thanks veradune for helping me out with this chapter.

“Wow and not Dennys?” Jesse’s voice grew softer when he noticed how much he stood out amongst the other people waiting to be seated. “I think I’m a little underdressed too.”

Walt nodded side to side, approaching the worker at front. “Hello.”

“HI,” the girl responded cheerfully, “Last name, how many per table?”

Looking behind her, Jesse heard Walt gruffly say, “White, party of two.” The food looked much more authentic than whatever Chinese food place he’d go to at the mall, he was impressed and although he wouldn’t admit it to Mr. White, all the girls working there looked like something out of a porno he downloaded once off the internet. Much to his dismay he had been caught by Walt, his eyes traveling along the curve of the hostess’s legs. He could burst into flames from the intensity of his partner’s jealous eyes.

“Sir, are you okay with the wait,” she interrupted the glare. “Probably fifteen minutes at most.”

“Yes I’m okay,” Walter almost said too sweetly before tugging at Jesse’s jacket sleeve to follow him to the waiting area. 

“Is this place good,” Jesse asked pleasantly, his wide eyes searching for some eye contact from Walter, the good kind.

“Oh yeah. I came here with Hank, Marie and uh—Skyler. I’m usually very particular with food and this was the only _exotic_ thing I could stomach.”

“Chinese? Exotic? I usually think like—frog’s legs are like uh—exotic or something.”

“You know what I mean. Marie went through a phrase where she was getting us to go to all sorts of restaurants, trying different cuisines to expand our palates. They were all mostly _crap_.”

“Oh,” Jesse nodded, “This one passed the Walter White inspection, huh?”

“No upset stomachs in the White household, I swear, my left hand on the bible.”

“Yeah,” clearly Jesse was flirting his eyes again fixed on Walt’s lips. Normally neither of them were real big on PDA so he settled on rubbing the side of his forehead against Walt’s for a brief second, retreating from the gesture quickly. Walt sighed out a small _heh_ , staring down at his knees, then at his hand that rested on the black smooth wooden bench they sat on.  Jesse stared straight ahead, appearing distracted, his own hand moving close enough to Walt’s so that his pinkie could touch his.  He stretched it out touching Walt’s own.  The older man licked his lips and looked around, his cheeks getting flushed, his heart jumping in his chest.

The younger man nudged closer as a family of four sat next to him, his shoulder rubbing against Walt’s. He crossed his arms inwards, trying to make himself smaller, his pink lips held together. A moment passed as he reflected on whether he should make another move.

“There’s a lot of people here, could you move over a bit,” he slyly said, something mischievous and needy in his eyes. “Let’s make less space huh?”

“I can’t move any more Jesse,” Walt spat out, agitated at the fact there were still butterflies in his stomach, butterflies that he had thought were long since dead.

“Look,” Jesse’s much smaller hands grabbed Walt’s arm and maneuvered it so that it slung around his shoulder, then he moved in much closer. People’s eyes began to glance over at them briefly, but not enough to be a breach of privacy, thy were either judgmental or curious.  Walt grew comfortable with it gradually, feeling some sense of power and pride that Jesse was his and that the message was being read loud and clear.

Not minding the attention Jesse remained with his gaze immovable, watching his own fingers intertwine in Walt’s, like two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly.  “Ah,” he breathed out as satisfaction overcame him. This felt like home, his cheeks rosy, his body warm against Walt’s, just the way it should be, the two of them together.  “Nice huh?”

“Yes,” Walt leaned back like a king on his throne. “Now if I could get some god damn food in my stomach.”

Eventually they were seated in a tiny booth in the back which immediately Walt took offense to, he didn’t say anything but he gave the hostess a sneering cat-like look.

“Thanks,” Jesse cut in kindly before Walt could say anything.

“Your waiter will be right at your table to order your drinks.”

“Thanks,” Walt tilted his head sideways, then turned his sight to the door that swung open behind Jesse, waiters carrying far too many plates. Reading his body language loud and clear, the tightness of his shoulders, his forearms on the table, his hands in fists, Jesse again took initiative to talk first.

“Hey better than being next to the tube though.”

“I suppose,” the older man rolled his eyes, his posture growing comfortable again. “All that racket though.”

He was certainly on edge and Jesse was more than aware that he was the cause of it, “D-do you think they serve sake here?”

“No Jesse, that’s Japanese.”

“Oh right, I always get them mixed up.”

“Jesus Christ Jesse, is it so hard for you to be PC for a few seconds?”

“P…C?”

“Politically correct,” Walt muttered and right as he spoke the words, just by reading the expression on Jesse’s face, he looked hurt and confused.

“What does that—“

“No no I’m sorry. It means saying things that aren’t you know—offensive to certain people. You know what I mean?”

“Oh. Well I didn’t mean to—“

“Of course you didn’t, I misunderstood. I took you for being as ignorant as Hank, not that I would say it to his face,” Walt waved him to quiet down suddenly aware of how crass he was. Strangely enough his partner was acting sensitive and apologetic, so Walt decided to tone it down and stop beating around the bush, “I was scared Jesse, scared I lost you. This is why I’m acting like—this.”

A timid smile crept up on Jesse’s lips as he shifted anxiously on his seat, getting closer to the table. “Well I’m right here,” his voice trembled, attempting to be soothing but sounding painfully vulnerable instead.

Reaching over, Walt placed his hand on Jesse’s cheek, “Forgive me, I’m not usually this…public,” he apologized in case Jesse would stiffen up from the gesture, he didn’t, if anything he looked relieved.

Jesse blinked twice, then closed his eyes. Once Walt pulled away, he found himself immediately missing the warm palm.  Like coming out of a trance he nodded, his eyes bright and wide, completely attentive to whatever Walt would say next.

“Like I said before, we’re totally underdressed, Mr. White,” said Jesse lowly, Walt just scoffed.

“Who cares. If I have the money there shouldn’t be any complaints.”

“Cocky much,” laughed Jesse, “And what are we doing here anyway?”

“ _Well._ ”

“Well what,” something was afoot and Jesse needed to know more. He leaned in closer giving Walt a look that usually made his knees go wobbly, the same look he’d give him when they’d uh—Walt couldn’t risk his mind going further with them being in a public place and all.

“It’s a—well it’s a proposal.”

Jesse’s heart skipped a beat, his muscles worked overtime trying to stop his jaw from dropping, “What kind of sappy homo shit are you—s-shouldn’t you be on one knee?”

“No, not a marriage proposal,” this wasn’t the reaction he would have expected, Jesse appeared to look excited at first, the corners of his lips raised slightly upwards into what wanted to be a thrilled smile. _Good job_ , Walt berated himself for his faulty wording. But marriage? Maybe he’d put that into his save pile and revisit that thought at a later time, maybe when he wasn’t fresh out of a divorce. “I was thinking, since you’re officially moving in, I thought we’d go by to a furniture store and see if we could buy something to commemorate this uhm—milestone in our…our relationship.”

“Yo is this your subtle way of saying you don’t want any of my furniture in your place?”

“Hardly, but for the record some of your pieces wouldn’t work with the certain aesthetic I have in my home.”

“What are you talking about? _For the record_ my plasma tv fit just fine with the aesth-whatever in your bedroom, I didn’t hear any complaints there.”

“God, it was a compromise to curb your sexual appetite. You want more and more and more, Jesus, do you think I’m young like you? In what universe can I keep up?”

“Wow could you like—uh say that louder, huh?”

Rubbing his head, Walt nearly rolled his eyes back in anguish, “Why are we always on edge?”

“I dunno,” Jesse lowered his head playing with the napkin that held his silverware.

“I do like the tv though, better than always having to be on the couch to watch a movie, Skyler would have never ever in a million years let me. She said something about it being bad for marriage hah, little did she know--,”Walt paused not liking the direction he was taking his conversation. “Also I like reading when you play your idiotic video games,” he said good naturedly, his eyes sparkling a little. He remembered every night watching Jesse’s elfin frame slouched over at the foot of the bed, cursing several times, letting out frustrated little noises whenever he was lost in the game or his character had tragically died. Truth be told those games could be brutal.  

“You like what like—like the view,” again with those eyes, Walt had to catch his breath. 

“No I just think you’re cute,” Walt said the sentence quickly, nearly tripping over his tongue. He diverted his gaze trying to escape from those words as quickly as possible

“Cute huh,” Jesse looked far too pleased with himself, luckily the waiter was at their table. He must have been six feet tall or more, cheekbones that could slice bread, jet black coiffed hair and eyelashes longer than they should be without the aid of mascara.

“What’ll you be drinking then?”

“Yo what is up with this place, wow,” muttered Jesse under his breath, maybe he should have left that thought unspoken.

\------------

The fluorescent light flickered above them, everywhere was a harsh blueish white which caused the bright colors of the furniture to bounce off the floors and into Jesse’s eyes. “What the fuck man?”

“It’s a fucking IKEA, Jesse. Calm down,” griped Walt.

“I know what it is but seriously? You’re paying for a brand, not quality.”

“What? Quality? I don’t care, I just want you to find something and pick it.”

“Dude you like force something nice into something completely soul draining with your bossiness. You’re a party pooper.”

“Are you ten? Do people even use that phrase anymore?”

“I sense I hit a nerve Mr. White,” Jesse pressed his finger on Walt’s shoulder and was quickly batted away.

“Shut up,” there was that smile, his green eyes twinkling cheerfully, “Now c’mon let’s have a look around.”

They walked down the aisles, Walt watching Jesse’s eyes overlooking every item they had, almost a bit overwhelmed by the choices. Nothing really stuck out to him, he felt rushed but not so much because Walt was intent on him making him a decision right there and then but because he wanted to hightail it out of there. Nervously he looked over to Walt, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“I don’t really like any of this stuff,” he rubbed his back uneasily. He got the response he expected, Walter making a pained face as if this were making life so much more difficult.

“Okay,’ Walt waved his hands, looking around at the other people on their merry way. “We’ve only looked through about one fourths of the place. I think you came into here with a closed mind.”

“No, I can make better stuff than this.”

“You can—what?”

“Yeah I totally can. I’m good with my hands—“

“Really,” Walt raised his eyebrows, appearing to be impressed and surprised, “You mean carpentry?”

“I’ve dabbled in that a-area,” stammered Jesse, looking past Walt, his gaze unsteady like a child lying about the vase they broke to their mother.

“Dabbled,” questioned Walt, now his hands on his hips. “As in what?”

“Ok I took a woodworking class, I made a super nice box alright?”

“A-A box? Those are two entirely different things.”

“Well I bet I could make a nicer chair or table, or whatever. You’re just wasting money Mr. White.”

“What else do you suppose I should waste it on then?”

“I dunno, more Chinese food,” Jesse walked into one of the furnished rooms, experimentally pressing down on the mattress. “Shit I feel like I’m in a doll house or something. All these rooms with no doors.” He looked around at the décor, taking an interest in a black lamp.

“You liked it? The food I mean.”

“Duh,” dragged out the younger man, then he signaled for Walt to go further in, keeping a watchful eye for any passersbys.  Hesitantly Walt got closer to Jesse, cornering him just like he would have wanted. Whenever they were this close the task of filling his lungs with air became difficult, he should have gotten desensitized by now but he was still surprised by the effect Walt had on him each time. Maybe there would be a time when he didn’t feel anything, but that time wasn’t now.

“Yeah,” Walt ran his hands underneath Jesse’s jacket, the fabric of Jesse’s shirt going up a little at the midriff with each soothing upwards and downwards movement. His eyes were drawn downwards, it was just enough exposed skin to give Walt an idea of just how he would like to spend the rest of the day. Jesse small frame trembled underneath Walt’s hands as they shared a fond look for several moments, eyes glazing over with affection. Melting into one another, there was a mixture of fear and exhilaration of what was next that ached at the pit of their stomachs. Jesse snaked his arms around Walt’s shoulders, pulling him even closer and planted a kiss on his cheek, smiling into it.

“Why are you my favorite person—in like—the history of forever?” giggled Jesse into Walt’s ear.

Burying his head in Jesse’s neck, Walt inhaled, letting out a throaty noise of complaint at not being able to take it further right then and there. He had really convinced himself that he wasn’t going to be close enough to smell that scent ever again. It was so familiar, so comforting, so intoxicating. Something more primordial than whatever cologne he’d wear, whatever body wash he’d use, whatever thing he’d decide to smoke, it was strangely intimate and something he had grown so accustomed to.  There was no other way to define it.

God it was just so…. _Jesse_.

His condo was how far away again? It felt like thousands of miles.

\--------------

“Yeah drop me off,” Walt Jr opened the door, then turned over to Louis who appeared to be confused.

“This where your dad lives?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice. What’s your mom gonna say about that?”

“I don’t care what she’s gonna say.”

“Oh ok. Tomorrow I can’t give you a ride to school then cause this is pretty far and you know with gas and all—“

“Yeah yeah, I have a ten here to get you to shut your mouth. Dad’ll give me a ride anyway,” this was a the grass is greener on the other side of the fence sort of situation, there was hope that his father would accept him with open arms instead of as a burden like back at home.

Louis smiled, already used to his best friend’s sense of humor and waved, “Whatever, see you at school.”

Walt Jr. looked over the place and walked towards the door, he rested against the wall, rummaging through his backpack looking for the key he probably should have put along with his house keys, and hopefully soon, his car keys. His father’s car wasn’t outside but he knew his schedule well enough to know he should be out of work soon.  After rummaging through his school papers and books, the key fell out of his grasp, and much to his demise, it landed further away than he would of liked.

“God damnit,” he muttered to himself. In the distance he could hear a car driving down the street, so once he picked up the key, he turned to see who was going around the corner.

Jesse was driving the Aztek, swerving a little but his eyes still on the road the entire time despite them being glazed over with pleasure, his face flustered. In a lovesick frenzy Walt’s hand found Jesse’s face, running his thumb across his wet lips, then pushing it into the warmth of his mouth as he let out a moan, Jesse slightly biting down on it right as he was getting close to peaking. Walt’s head bobbed up and down with his mouth full, letting out a moan of satisfaction when Jesse’s hips begin to rise off the seat.

“I-I’m,” Jesse’s voice was muffled, his eyes then suddenly widened, “Oh shit, Mr. White.”

Getting startled he had done something wrong, Walt hit himself on the steering wheel causing Jesse to nearly crash into the tree right next to his house but luckily he maneuvered it out of the way. They parked at a weird angle in the driveway, Walt Jr. staring at the car strangely.

“Fuck, what on—,” Walt cursed. “What on earth Jesse!”

“Your son, y-you know Junior, he’s outside your place,” stammered Jesse, looking down at him.

Walt shut his eyes, processing this entire situation, then he lifted his head hoping it didn’t look as wrong as it was.  His son immediately caught on and grimaced as Walt awkwardly waved at him with fake enthusiasm, then wiping the corner of his mouth looking guilty.

Jesse zipped up his pants quickly, dying from embarrassment, if he could he’d just slam his face on the horn repeatedly just to get out the frustration. 

“Hey son, wha-what are you doing here,” Walt lowered the window, Jesse could be seen behind him trying to adjust himself, mentally screaming for his raging boner to go down.

“Just wanted to visit my dad,” shrugged Junior, attempting to act like he didn’t notice anything.

“Ah I’m glad to have you here, you have a key right?”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you let yourself in? I’m going to check the mail. “

For a while Junior stared at him and then at Jesse. Moving his head side to side he unlocked the gate and walked in.

“Jesus,” Jesse finally caught his breath, “Just give me a few minutes.”

Walt let out a sigh and rubbed his head, “I don’t know why he’s here.”

“What? You don’t want him around?” the younger man suddenly on the defense.

“Of course I do, but something tells me he didn’t ask for permission from his mother. If she thinks I’m at fault—Jesse, I am going to get an earful!”

“Has she called you?”

“No, it’s too early for her to know I suppose. He gets out of school at around this time, she must be expecting him.”

“You should call her,” Jesse says with a tone that a concerned wife would have, Walt nods but doesn’t necessarily want to go ahead with it.

He shoots an apprehensive look at his partner but Jesse urges him anyway.

The phone rings four times, still nothing, Walt glances over at Jesse then shrugs. Right as he was about to hang up he heard a soft hello.

“Hey, Skyler?”

“Uhm yeah,” her voice sound dry and melancholy, Walt immediately feels an instinctual twinge in his gut. Somehow he still wanted to make her feel better.

“It’s Walter.”

“Yeah I know,” Walt could almost sense her rolling her eyes judging by the sound of her voice.

“Wa-Walt Jr, he just showed up. He was here waiting at my doorstop, I think Louis must have dropped him off here. I barely got home and—“

“Oh.”

“I know you’re upset, I can take him back,” still no reaction from her, Walt was puzzled. “A-are you okay?”

“Well it makes sense that he’d go to his father.”

“And you’re okay with it?”

“I’m not okay with it, but I’m not about to start another shitstorm. I already embarrassed myself enough as it is.”

There was no imaginable response to her, it was frustrating that things couldn’t be equally prosperous at both sides. It was like no matter what he’d do, he’d find a way to make her miserable.

“How are you doing? Drinking plenty of water?”

“No.”

“You’re not drinking _other things_ are you?”

Shit, it was embarrassing when he remembered Jesse was in the car with him. Jesse’s eyes were on him, looking genuinely interested but they quickly darted away once he was caught.

“Or smoking?”

Skyler stayed silent, biting her lips. “No, I’m just pumped full of pain medication to dull the hangover. Nothing big.”

“Okay, okay I’m glad you’re doing fine. I mean it.”

“A-And,” she nearly choked on her words, but she shut her eyes and went through with it, “Jesse? Is he upset with me? Are _you_ upset with me?”

“No. No. Sky…you just got to believe that the world isn’t out against you,” Walt said warmly, mirroring the many times he tried to talk down Jesse from his depression.

The younger man should have felt a pang of jealousy but instead he was understanding of the situation, of the love that still remained despite everything. You couldn’t just erase 17 years of marriage once something new came by, him being the _something new_. He was mature enough to accept that.

“It’s hard you know—“

“I’ll talk to Junior okay? I’ll talk to him.”

“Okay.”

“Remember to call if you need anything.”

“No I’ll be fine, I have Marie breathing down my neck anyway.”

“Tell her I say hi.”

“Alright, good bye.”

“Bye.”

Walt almost looked like he didn’t want to hang up, it was like being taken back to an easier time when everything was together and not shattered into pieces. He gave his phone a glum look before tucking it back into his pocket. When he raised his gaze he saw Jesse was back to staring at him, messing with the sleeves of his jacket, his eyes as deep as wells. 

“I ah— I’m okay with it really,” Jesse smiled warmly. “She’s a big part of your life and all—“

“You heard her mention you?”

“Yeah—you had the volume a little too high there.”

“ _Oh._ ”

“I don’t hate her.”

“It’d make sense if you did though.”

“Well I don’t—“                                                                                                                             

“Are you really that good of a person,” Walt shot Jesse a shrewd look, “Because I find that rather hard to believe.”

“Fruit filling on the inside, yo,” grinned Jesse before leaning over and planting a kiss on Walt’s lips.

Junior was already making himself at home, rummaging through the leftovers from the disastrous dinner from the night before. He picked at the pasta with a fork, leaning over the counter looking outside.  Somehow this was better than back at home.

In mid conversation Jesse and Walt walked in looking much more put together than a second ago.

“I still don’t want any of those crap tables,” Jesse took his backpack to the living room and dropped it like an anvil.

“Whatever you say,” Walt said, dropping off the mail and his car keys on the counter. He turned towards Walt Jr. who was inconspicuously chewing on his food, hoping his mother wouldn’t be brought up.  “I talked to your mother—“

“I—I needed some space, okay Dad.”

Walt shrugged, still with a disappointed look on his face, “Yeah but your disagreement is between you and your mother, I don’t like being the middle man. You need to give her a break, she is deeply regretful, you need to see that.”

“I’m just tired of her shit.”

“She feels completely isolated, and it takes a lot to adjust to all these changes, it takes time. She may be your mother but she’s prone to errors too, she is a human being after all. Just think of all the times she’s forgiven you—“

“I’m not half as bad as her—“

“Oh don’t give me that bullcrap. She told me about that time you tried to buy beer, you nearly broke her heart.”

A chuckle could be heard in the living room coming from Jesse, when Jesse realized he had attracted attention to himself he attempted to make it seem like a cough. In comparison to him, Walt Jr. was a saint. “Dry throat, yo,” he stammered. Walt was obviously not particularly content with his intrusion but went straight back to his rant.

“Talk to her like a mature adult would, Junior. She at least deserves that.”

“A-And Jesse’s suddenly cool with all of this?”

Jesse raised his hand in submission, nodding side to side he cradled his head, “Dude. I am positively over it,” he paused then breathed out as he was leafing through his papers, “God I have so much fucking homework.”

Cocking his eyebrow Walt glanced at Jesse with a wide smile, something Junior hadn’t seen his father genuinely do for a long time. This observation silenced him, Jesse wasn’t going anywhere, he was family now. And for some unexplainable reason he was okay with this.  


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments, you guys are what keep me writing! Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Crossing his legs Junior looked at his feet that rested on the table. Jesse insisted he make himself comfortable so here he was _comfortable_. Next to him there were loose pieces of paper, things that needed to be organized. Giving in to procrastination, Jesse left a mess behind him. Walt Jr. looked over the notes and worksheets, putting them into a neat little pile.

Was this what he had to look forward to once he graduated?

The books looked even heavier, Jesse carried them around like a ball and chain.

It was late, real late but Junior couldn’t get himself to sleep so he decided to listen to music, sorting out all his grievances. Granted tomorrow he’d be a grump but either way he would have been one given his circumstances. 

In the bedroom Walt moved in his sleep, resting on his back, an arm raised above his head.  Jesse watched him fondly. Taking in the moment, he was suddenly more appreciative of the little things he never thought of admiring before.  Walt was wearing a grey t shirt and pajama pants, he rarely wore pants but Jesse supposed they were saved for a special occasion.  Jesse felt a tug at his heart, his eyes following along the most attractive parts of his face, the good parts, the bad, they all added up to something so familiar and unique, they were all what made Walt, Walt.     

“I can’t sleep,” Jesse was overcome by a need to show affection, he cupped Walt’s cheek and buried his head in his neck. So warm, so good, so tender, Jesse was so glad to be home again. God, he wanted to be there _forever_.  “I want to—can we?”

A small smile was on Walt’s lips, his eyelids still heavy, he chuckled not sure if he was dreaming or not. He concluded he was too exhausted to even dream, so this must have been real. Jesse’s hand had moved down his stomach and along his thigh before his fingertips eventually grazed against the elastic of his drawstring pants. He was coaxing him, he was so needy and bursting at the seams with energy that needed to exerted. It was difficult to say no to his ministrations.

“I’m tired,” he groaned, his hand wrapping around Jesse’s wrist, the young man persistently rubbed the palm of his hand over the bulge in Walt’s underwear. The older man suppressed the gasp from the sensation, finding it difficult to speak afterwards, “Easy, Jesse. Can I get a rain check?”

“Why,” he whined, “It’ll be worth the effort c’mon.”

Giving in a little, Walt returned Jesse’s small kisses, a bit of his reserve fleeting. His affection was easy to get addicted to but still. It was a long day and neither of them had slept the night before, God knows how Jesse still had any stamina.

“Tomorrow, we can tomorrow.”

“Just give me something, baby.”

“Don’t _baby_ me. Christ. Aren’t you exhausted?”

“I’ll suck you dry,” Jesse smiled, a lustful look in his eyes, “I’ll tell you how big and strong you are, how you’re the only man I’d let fuck me. “

“That’s idiotic, like that’d work on me.” Walt felt his face get flustered, turned on for a split second but an image flashed in his head. Maybe not a man but—he could see straight through his charade, that girl whoever she was…just touching him. It was still fresh in his mind. He then turned so his back was facing Jesse, he’d have to forget and let go, Jesse was there in the flesh.

“Hey, it worked last time.”

Buttering up Walt’s ego was always effective, his machismo was his weakness and if he happened to add a compliment about his masculinity, bingo, instant boner.  

Maybe the rose colored glasses were off and as night crept in, Walt turned to darker, sadder thoughts. That wall around his heart was being built up again brick by brick, he just didn’t have the energy and the idea of going to work late with an annoyed Gale didn’t make him feel any better.

“Wrong.”

The rejection was insulting to Jesse, so much so that he sat up and moaned in complaint, “So it’s still a no, then?”

“Of course it’s a no,” curled up Walt, wrapping his arms around his pillow.

“You can’t like—give me a blow job.”

“Too much effort,” pushing his face into the inviting cushioning, Walt’s voice was muffled as he articulated slowly.

“How about a hand job, that’s like—the least effort possible. You can’t just leave me high and dry twice—that’s just not fair,” his voice got a little too loud so he lowered it at risk of Junior hearing him. It was painfully embarrassing. No make-up sex? What was the point of fighting anyway? “Mr. White?”

Then eventually he could hear Walt’s heavy breathing, he had fallen into a deep sleep. An old weary bear hibernating in his cave.

_Great._

Jesse did the walk of shame to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, his lonesome hand would have to suffice for that night. It was hard to really concentrate, the frustration was there but maybe his head wasn’t in the game, sexual thoughts now felt like such a chore.  Still he just shut his eyes and did the apt movements that caused his body to respond normally and they did. When the orgasm passed, he slowly opened his eyes, leaning against the wall, his gaze directly looking over his reflection.  His cheeks were a humiliating shade of pink, he was completely winded. This was the sort of person Walt was used to looking at. And he liked this?

What good was he?

He still looked like a needy little boy, he just couldn’t grow out of it.  

Cleaning himself up, he felt himself crying as usual. These were the sort of nights that promised no sleep, the hurdles he’d have to jump over, craving something to fill in the hole in his heart. What else could he fall back on?

Needles, smoke, pills, whatever he could rub on his gums, whatever he could swallow or inhale.

He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands, grinding his teeth.  Taking some time he composed himself, opening the door only to see Walt Jr. nearly jump back.

“Oh hey, thought I heard you,” Junior said slowly, reading Jesse’s face noticing that something was wrong.

Jesse laughed it off and shrugged, “Ah yeah—you should get to sleep.”

“Yeah I guess but bodily functions and all—“

“Right right, let me get outta your way,” Jesse moved and walked back to the bedroom, crawling onto the bed and resting his head on Walt’s legs, staring at the tv. After some contemplation he eventually turned it on and popped in a racing game, putting the music on mute. 

The dim light from the tv reflected in the hall, almost like a beacon for Junior who was just getting out of the bathroom.  The door was open so he let himself in, an awkward smile on his lips.

“Oh I love that game,” he said, Junior wondered if his intrusion would be frowned upon but it wasn’t. Jesse’s eyes brightened like a puppy and he dug through the covers for the other controller, Walt kicking his hand then turning over, grumbling in his sleep.

“Asshole,” Jesse grumbled before turning his sights back Junior, “Yo, wanna play?”

Of course he did, but the teenager decided to play it cool just like Jesse was attempting to do as well. In fact they were just nerves around each other, especially after what had happened the night before. Everything in Junior’s power willed him to apologize but he still couldn’t, not entirely knowing the time or place to bring it up. Maybe it was best he didn’t.

They played for a while in complete silence, except for a few angered grunts here and there. Eventually Jesse decided to take a break from the game, Walt turned over in the bed, on his back, limbs outstretched, kicking Junior slightly. They both shared a hushed laugh.

“I’m gonna snack on something, want to come with,” standing up Jesse signaled for Junior to follow him, not giving him much choice to object. “I bought tons of groceries when you guys were coming over, you could say I like, overdid it—heh.”

“The more food the better I say. I’m a growing boy, I can eat up all this shit,” Walt Jr said arrogantly, “I got a metabolism that doesn’t quit.”

“Oh it’ll catch up soon. Whenever I’d see my dad I’d kind of dread the day.”

“He fat?”

“He’s not a slim jim like me, that’s what. Plus he’s an ass. Total ass.”

“Dad’s alright,” shrugged Junior.

“He’s just right,” Jesse’s smile got a little too wide for comfort as he reached for a beer and opened the can. Walt Jr cringed just thinking what path Jesse’s mind traveled on, God he just didn’t want to go there. “So uh—PB&J good with you? I got some funyuns around here too.”

“That is a gross combination, man.”

“Yeah and?”

“I’ll just take a sandwich.”

“Cool,” quickly Jesse got together the ingredients and put the sandwich together on a nice little plate, handing it to Junior proudly. With a nod Junior went and sat down, eating it while watching Jesse get a banana, unpeel it, then cut it into thin slices putting it into his sandwich.  He smeared a huge helping of peanut butter, pushed the two slices of bread together and alas it was done. Celebrating its conception, he smashed it into his mouth, taking a huge bite.

“Bananas,” questioned Walt Jr, cocking an eyebrow.

“It’s so good—back when I was a kid…mom—she’d like uh make me these. Cut them up into four pieces but I’m too impatient for that. So uh—it looks like you wanna say something,” Jesse said warmly with his mouth full, tilting his head sideways, his eyes oddly comforting for Junior.

“I d—don’t even know where to start, man.”

“First thing that comes to mind, I guess. I’m ready. Shoot.”

“Uh—why dad?”

“What?”

“I mean not to sound weird—I know you already explained earlier how you met and everything—but like—“

“Cause he’s _way_ older?”

“Hah. Yeah. You’re a good enough looking guy, why aren’t you like—scoring with chicks.”

“Oh I did a lot of that,” Jesse took another bite. “I just—“, he wished he could find the right words to explain it without sounding like a complete idiot but he accepted that love was supposed to make you feel that way.

“Sorry,” Walt Jr. lowered his head. “This isn’t like a job application or something—“

“No it’s ok. He was just the only person who really gave and shit and it just felt—uh what’s the word I’m looking for…like second nature or something—“

“So what in high school you were like—“

“No no no no no, christ no. “

“Whew, got scared there man.”

“I just—I know this is stupid but you got to understand I have no one else to talk to,” Jesse looked over to Junior with uncertainty in his eyes.

“You have no friends?”

“No, all the ones I had, I had to what is it…when cats stop giving their kittens their milk and start swatting them over the head.”

Junior briefly smiled, “Wean. It’s wean”

“Well yeah I just weaned myself off that lifestyle, off those people, it’s not like I could really talk to them anyway.”

“But you go to school, you have to talk to people there.”

“I’m a loner, really. I can’t talk to people like I used to—I guess I’ve changed. When something big happens and you come up on the other side of it, you just aren’t the same person anymore.”

“I understand,” Walt Jr pat his shoulder reassuringly.

“I have your dad though, that’s what made him so different—so important to me,” Jesse dug through the shelves in the kitchen and pulled out a box of cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it as he held it between his lips, “He just shuts himself off sometimes and I know half the times it’s my fault and the other half is just him being _him_. But I’m not all so isolated though, my gut feeling says I got you too.” Blowing out smoke, he smiled, Junior returned it with a grin of his own.

“Second question.”

“Shoot, _again._ ”

“Why can’t you sleep?”

“I just can’t, it comes with the territory of being an ex-junkie. I get the shakes—bad memories kinda revolve around my brain, gets it all jumbled-like. Makes me want to use just to make it all go away.”

“Oh.”

“We skipped my turn.”

“Yeah? What do you want to ask?”

“What does your family say about me,” Jesse narrowed his eyes.

“No one hates you really—Mom usually acts like she doesn’t care but she’s l-like so confusing. Oh, Uncle Hank doesn’t like you though. He talks lots of shit,” Junior chuckled, covering his mouth. 

“He’s a dick, he treated me like crap back in the day—pushed me around and shit, nearly violated my rights, yo.“

“Yeah but that was cause you were a criminal then,” the boy wasn’t backing down, as far as he was concerned he wasn’t apologetic about talking about Hank like the sun shined out of his ass. “If you’re on the wrong side of the law, he’ll treat you that way, it’s just how he is,” shrugged Junior, Hank was some sort of superhero to him, that part was clear and it was absolutely baffling to Jesse considering how much of a genius Walt was, the man didn’t even have to try hard just to impress.

If he only knew what his father was up to though, pondered Jesse.  He immediately felt defensive, holding his ground, “Just cause you like him doesn’t mean I gotta like him. I’ve changed and if he can’t accept that—“

“I—I believe you.”

“Yeah, well that’s good.”

At least someone did for once.

There was a moment of silence between them as Jesse blew out smoke. “We’re probably going to have save round two in the game for another time. Your dad will kill me for letting you stay up.”

“Fine. How about—would you like—give me a cig?”

“Fuck no. What the fuck. We’re close in age but not close enough,” Jesse grabbed the box of cigarettes away from Junior’s reach and into the cabinet, loudly slamming it closed.  “Sounds like its bed time for you kiddo.”

\--------------

“Babe. Baby. Hey is that you,” Hank called from his bed upon hearing the front door open. When he received no answer he got up and walked over to the living room finding his wife throwing herself onto the sofa, kicking off her shoes. “You’re here late.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry honey.”

“It’s okay I had a drink with the boys, I ate there.”

Marie stayed silent for too long, her hand over her mouth. She was holding something back and Hank already knew to ask, it was like permission for all the secrets to just come out at once.

“What’s wrong Marie?”

“Junior, he didn’t even come home. Can you believe that?” she spat out then placed her hand on her lips again looking clearly concerned. “He’s with Walt.”

“Oh.”

“And him.”

“Him,” oh boy Hank felt stupid for forgetting just who she was talking about, she shot him a look that suggested he wasn’t listening to her rants all the other times. Although he wasn’t as vocal about it as she was, he didn’t like the particular fellow Walt was sharing his bed with. “Fucking methhead Pinkman?”

“Yes.”

“Are they living together now? I thought that was some wussy stage he was going through.”

“Don’t say that, Hank. It’s not him being gay that bothers me, I just see Sky. She’s hurting and then Junior is with th—that deviant. I just know he just milking Walt for the money. Are they kidding, he’s so obvious, drug dealer one second, boytoy the next? What was Walt smoking? It wasn’t just marijuana I bet.”

“Honestly honey, I didn’t see it coming.”

“Well it was headed that way. I’ve seen it enough times. Midlife crisis, look at how beat down he is, then cancer? Of course he’s going to want something real shiny and new but christ why couldn’t it be a motorcycle, go sleep with some dumb blonde—“

“With huge cans?”

“Hank!”

“You know what I mean. I get you.”

“But this is hurting our family and I just knew it—the second Skyler said she was going to that dinner—and now Junior is acting up. It’s like a—like a damn domino effect!”

“Woah calm down there. And you said Junior is with this Pinkman kid right now? You know for sure?”

“Well one would assume he’s staying at Walt’s condo. With the way Skyler describes it, the two of them are connected at the hip and you know Junior. He’s at that age when he’s so—impressionable. If he walks him down the wrong route, god knows what it’d do to Skyler, to Walt, to _us_.”

Hank narrowed his eyes and pat his wife’s shoulder soothingly. “Don’t think so much about it. I’ll handle it baby. I’ll shake Walt back into his senses, he’s blinded by all that young sweet stuff. I’ll get that dick out of his mouth.”

“Wow Hank, could you be more disgusting?”

“Tomorrow, I’ll handle it.”

\------------------------

 

“You want breakfast?”

Walt reluctantly opened his eyes, “What time is it?”

“Well your alarm clock went off a second ago,” Jesse was on his knees peering down at him happily, his smile alone was more than enough to give Walt enough energy to wake up. Was he trying to make up for something? Walt tried to read him skeptically but got nothing but good intentions radiating off of him.

“You got no sleep huh?”

“A couple hours but its okay.”

“It’s not, don’t make me worry about you.”

“Let me worry about you,” kneeling lower Jesse gave Walt a series of slow sweet kisses, Walt couldn’t help grinning more and more with each one. “Hmm nasty morning breath.”

“You hit the coffee early?”

“Your breath is like, way worse.”

“Come closer,” Walt wrapped his arm around Jesse’s waist, the both of them laying on their sides facing each other. “I love you so much.”

Jesse’s eyes grew sultry, blinking slowly, “I can’t get tired of hearing that. Yo, you should say it again. And like—maybe again, we could go for a fourth time after that.”

It turned out it wasn’t the vocal foreplay Jesse had expected. Walt’s expression changed, he wasn’t joking or anything, it appeared to be a precursor to something much bigger, something that was clearly troubling him.

“I-Is something wrong,” stammered Jesse, his body getting tense against Walt’s.

“You know what, it’s nothing,” Walt knew he couldn’t let the question go that easily but for the meantime he’d let it pass. His partner wasn’t stupid, he knew what was going around in his head and he got up off the bed, staring at the wall for a while before looking through his duffel bag. Grabbing a shirt and a pair of pants he looked over at Walt who was watching him curiously.

“There’s something wrong and it’s not just nothing.”

“I’m going to work early. Can you give Junior a ride to school,” asked Walt, his eyes searching for Jesse’s reaction.

Jesse stayed silent, taking off his shirt and pants, throwing them to the floor.  “Yeah—Yeah that’s cool,” he said, his voice strained. He stepped into his jeans and pulled them up, behind him he could hear the springs of the mattress as Walt got off it. He expected him to leave the room but instead was startled when he felt his hands holding his waist right as he was putting on his shirt. Jesse didn’t react at first, he adjusted his shirt, looking down at Walt’s hands.  They were rough, aged, but comforting.  Walt fixed the hem so it covered Jesse’s exposed stomach, then his hands returned to the same position. He rested his chin on his shoulder, pouting his lips. Jesse still stayed stiff until his nerves gradually dissipated.  

Turning slightly his bright eyes pierced Walt’s, holding the gaze for several moments their eyes grew intense. They kissed in a frenzy. For whatever reason Walt hated seeing Jesse get dressed although it was a ritual he’d usually have to endure. Not seeing his skin or feeling his skin was a tragedy in and of itself.

Jesse moved slightly so that he could face Walt but Walt’s hands insisted he stay in the same place as they kissed.  Letting out a gasp into the embrace, Jesse wriggled as Walt unzipped his jeans, his right hand not wasting time in finding the younger man’s stiffening erection.  Not all the way but it was getting there. Jesse sighed in relief throwing his head back onto Walt. Walt deeply inhaling the smell of his hair, grasped at a tuft of it with his other hand. Dirty blonde locks in between his fingers, the color just beautiful.  Kissing his neck as he cupped him, Walt gave him a firm squeeze just to get another unearthly noise. Shutting his eyes he let himself get lost in the moment, lost in this heavenly creature.  Jesse was like a fine wine, every time he had him he savored the taste but it would never be enough. He knew he’d only want him again.

“Oh Jesus,” Walt found himself murmuring over and over under his breath, Jesse was so exquisite writhing in a mixture of ecstasy and relief.  He couldn’t forget that he was so close to losing him, the very idea of it was life shattering. Although he wouldn’t like to admit to it, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself, Jesse was the light at the end of the tunnel.

The following series of events were blurry to Jesse, one thing led to the next and he was bent over the chest of drawers, Walt thrusting into him. He was so blissed out, all he could remember were his hands trying to feel every bit of Walt’s flesh that was humanly possible from this position. The noises he was making were muffled. His lips were tightly held together, trying to keep the sounds from wanting to come out, they weren’t alone for once, he didn’t want to call attention. 

Walt was the more quiet one, his mouth in a perpetual o-shape, losing his reserve with each movement. And then it was all over, him letting out one final faltering groan. Jesse grasped at the piece of furniture, his knees nearly buckling. With the final movement of Walt’s affectionate hand, his breath now brushing against his neck, the younger man came and he came long and hard unlike anything he had felt before, waves passing through him, his heart nearly jumping out of his chest.  Every orgasm was never like the other but this was one of the best, probably the recent introduction of the term I love you into Walt’s vocabulary had something to do it.

“Shit, man,” Jesse finally spoke, his legs barely holding him up. He wobbled, attempting to stand up straight, a big stupid smile on his face.  “Now I gotta shower, thank you,” he mumbled in complaint. His partner was too zoned out to even play along. Walt just returned the smile, his eyebrows raising in surprise at how fast it all happened.

“That was—“

“It was, wow. That’s what it was. I don’t think I’ll ever walk the same, Mr. White.”

“Really,” laughed Walt, unsure if Jesse was joking or not.

Jesse dropped his head, his cheeks flushed, of course he was going to continue buttering up his exceptional lover.  “People write stupid love songs about this shit okay. That’s all I’m going to say. Now get out of my face,” he threw Walt a pair of clean underwear from the drawer. 

Walt sure looked pleased with himself, his grin wider than anything Jesse had seen for a long time.

Since when did Walt even give a shit anyway?

Right. It was morning after the anniversary of Aunt Ginny’s death, after getting mind-numbingly wasted, after waking up in Walt’s bed instead of in his usual place on the couch. Charity wasn’t usually in Mr. White’s nature, but for once he took to sleeping in the living room.

**_\-------------------_ **

“You going to breathe at some point?” Walter said appearing to be annoyed. He wasn’t sure at what or why he was taking it out on Jesse.

“I’m hungry and hungover. Deadly combination, yo,” Jesse snapped back, cradling his head, “I’m probably going to puke this all out, man.”

“Go ahead as long it’s in my toilet and not the sink,” drinking out of his coffee, Walt shut his eyes then found it hard to open them again, he must have not gotten well enough rest that night.  He was pretty hung-over himself but he wasn’t about to admit to it. 

“I wish something worked, that raw egg thing didn’t.”

“Unless you want to get salmonella and a hangover,” laughed Walt, he then sighed worried that maybe Jesse would bring up what happened the night before. Nothing seemed to be bothering Jesse outside of being sick, he seemed rather pleasant leafing through the work he had finished up the day before. 

“And you’re completely sure I’m cut out for this?”

“You’ve proved yourself so far.”

Making his way over to Jesse’s side, he looked over the paper. 

“I want to reread it again but I just can’t read—in a straight—a straight line or something,” narrowing his eyes Jesse brought the paper closer to him.  “I’m so sick of that MLA format shit too.”

“Hand it over,” Walt snatched it and realized he was having the same problem, when he looked back down to Jesse he saw that he was giving him bright blue eyes.

“You gonna read it?”

“Not now, I think I’m going to need new prescriptions for these damn glasses.”

“We gonna wait until then?” Jesse replied cheekily but was only met with a groan from Walt. 

“So how do you feel?” there was another layer in there, something meaningful, something that made Jesse cock his eyebrow, suspicious of Walt trying to be nonchalant with a question that seemed so out of character for him.  Then again he was changing lately.

“How do you think? I feel like shit.”

“Ah,” Walt nodded, appearing distracted, or at least he was acting that way.

Jesse paused for a second, Walt still had his eyes on the paper, he didn’t trust his eyes looking anywhere else. 

“Did something happen?” Jesse tried to read Walter’s expression but he stayed cool, shiftily cool. “I say something cause …well…I’ve got a lot of shit on my plate and I’m uh—stressed.”

“What are you talking about? It was just a simple question, Jesus, Jesse.”

“God I hate you,” grumbled Jesse, tilting his head back then stretching. Walt thought back on what Jesse had said the night before, his shoulders dropping, for some reason feeling a little more sensitive about the comment than he should have been.  “Can I borrow your stupid craptop so I could answer some questions for my history class? It’s supposed to be a group discussion or something but like—online instead.”

“So you’ll be staying longer then?”

“It’s easier than going to the library, plus I gotta save on gas,” Jesse lowered his head bashfully, playing it off nonchalantly.

“I have to go to work you know,” Walt swallowed his coffee, the younger man just rolled his eyes and ground his teeth.

“What at the meth lab? You on a schedule now?”

“Well I like to keep to a schedule, consistency is key to productivity.”

“And your new partner?” now Jesse’s voice sound strained, biting on is lower lip then bringing up his gaze to Walt’s. 

“Not partner, Jesse, lab assistant. And he’s good,” that last part sounded forced, Walt looked out the window adding this lie to his already long list.  Gale was everything he could possibly want and it frustrated him, Jesse was a work in progress, Walt liked that. This new lab assistant seemed to have everything together not to mention he also always followed him like a puppy with a strange look in his eyes. Then again they weren’t that much different than Jesse’s, but there was an odd sense of satisfaction at being the receiving end of his bright blues when compared to Gale who was more or less a stranger. 

“Good huh? Better than me?”

Walt shot him a stare and furrowed his brow like he was speaking complete nonsense, it comforted Jesse almost immediately.  His mouth formed into a relieved smile. 

“It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m doing good things, right Mr. White?”

There was no reason why Jesse should seek his validation but Walt nodded anyway.  Despite Walt being as positive as humanly possible, his ex partner seemed in desperate need of a hug or something he couldn’t quite grasp.  He reached down and pat Jesse’s cheek, and it was almost like an out of body experience, he had no control over it, it just instinctively happened.  While Walt would have expected Jesse to slap him away, he didn’t, he looked stunned at first, then he looked flushed, the gears turning in his sweet face trying to figure out how he should act or whether he should act at all. He slowly blinked, regaining control of his facial muscles, the shock subsiding somewhat.  The corner of his lip turned upwards as his eyes locked on Walt’s mouth, the older man smiling for what seemed like a split second, but it was strangely inviting.  He had a goatee now instead of the weak looking mustache he used to have, Jesse hadn’t noticed it until then. It looked kind of cool for someone who had no concept of the term.

“We haven’t talked about what you’re really doing in college, what your goal is. You’ve always been so vague,” said Walt sounding strangely curious.  “You keep on saying you’re doing the right thing, but what is the right thing?”

“I’m still not sure,” shrugged the younger man, “I’m still thinking about it….I don’t know what I want to do yet, but I’m not going to go back to doing the easiest shit. You get trapped in it. It’s like a cycle.”

Walt mused that he was on his way to make easy money, but it was what he was good at. He truly enjoyed it; the hard work, the hum of the machinery, everything.  Maybe not thinking about it too much was the best option, but he was glad that Jesse fought the temptation, that he was out of danger. 

“I wanna wake up in the morning and not hate my life,” continued Jesse, his eyes looking lost and melancholy.  “…Jane and Aunt Ginny would want it that way. I don’t want them—ashamed…or anything.”

“Oh Jesse,” an inner thought seemed to make its way past Walt’s lips.

It wasn’t a question of whether or not Walt believed in heaven, it was a subject he didn’t want to delve in. But to see Jesse like this, falling apart at the seams pulled at his heart strings. It made his knees grow weak and lose what control he had left.  His hands found their way onto Jesse’s shoulders, gently squeezing them.

Covering his eyes with the palms of his hands Jesse attempted to hold back his tears.  “Shit, I’m not like this—not all the time.  Its just—“

“Yeah, you said last night. It’s ok. I’m not sitting here judging you, you’ve gone through a lot.”

“What did I say?” Jesse suddenly sounded afraid, his eyes wide. 

“Shh shh it’s ok.”

“Don’t go—“

“What?” Walt’s heart jumped, Jesse looked ashamed of himself for making such a request. “C’mon, you know I can’t. There’s a quota that needs to be met.”

“Uhh…” Jesse covered his face again, and dropped his head on the counter. “So stupid, sorry.”

“Look if had been any other day—“

“I keep on acting like such a baby.”

“Stop it. Don’t tell yourself things like that, it’s ok to be vulnerable.”

Jesse scoffed, obviously Walt needed to take some of his own advice, but it didn’t necessarily click for him.  “I’m just going to stick around for a bit…if you don’t…mind or anything.”

“Of course not,” Walt put on his jacket and grabbed his sack lunch.  “Stay as long as you need. Remember, the password for the laptop is written on the post-it note on the refrigerator, you can also eat whatever you find in there. But I can’t guarantee if any of the food in there isn’t already expired. Oh and lock the door when you go.”

“Duh.”

Once the door was closed and Walt was gone, Jesse got up and grabbed the post-it note reading the password to himself. 

_What the hell was a lithleywho?_

_Whatever._

He turned on the laptop and got onto the web browser slowly typing in the address to his community college website when something popped up in the search bar. It was Walt’s search history. Jesse wasn’t sure if he should look, this was the holy grail, he could find out so much about him. Maybe he **was** a dirty pervert or something, like the rumors that went around about him in high school.  Instead he was surprised by something else when he read the phrases Walt had looked up on google. 

First it started off boring. Of course Walt would be boring. No anime tentacle porn so far.

_Grilled chicken recipes_

_Energy saving tips_ , god knows why he searched that one, the man was making shit loads of money, bills seemed to be the least of his worries.

_Anger management tips_

_How to deal with a recovered drug addict_

_How to be sensitive to other people’s feelings_

_How to be a better person_

Biting on his thumb, Jesse was completely blown away by it. Was Mr. White actually trying to change for him? For the longest time he had figured it was just a fluke, or maybe it was all in his head. He never had the best luck with reading people or figuring out their intentions, for all he knew Mr. White was just in a better mood since he got to work with someone else other than him.

 _Jesse Pinkman: the biggest fuck up in the world_.

But now at least he knew Walt really was rooting for him. That Walt cared, even if he wasn’t the best at showing it. Jesse felt his face go warm, his cheeks red when he’d click on the searches and went through the links Walt had clicked on. He tried to put himself in his shoes, reading the articles as if he were him.  It made his heart jump, he had to have thought all this stuff was bullshit but there were more links he had clicked, more articles he must have read and all the while he must have been on his mind. 

Why did Jesse like the idea so much? Why did he have to like Mr. White spending whatever amount of time with him circulating his thoughts?

God it was so stupid though, it was driving him crazy the more he thought about it. He just shut the laptop and rested his head against the table, just wondering.  The man was so confusing, he couldn’t just be consistent, he couldn’t just be a complete bastard all the time, he had to do things that were so left field, making Jesse feel so confused.  And this all brought about a feeling, one that was still fresh in his mind, one he didn’t think he’d get to relive.

He wanted Walt to come back, he wanted him back there soon. 

But he had just gone.

Everything started to feel hot and Jesse began to pull at his clothes. After taking off his thick, loose fitting jacket, it still wasn’t enough. There was no escaping this, now he felt incredibly strange, a smile slowly creeping on his mouth. A smile that was once reserved for the prettiest of girls he knew. It originated back to his elementary school days, a pretty girl gave him her juice box when he realized his mother had forgotten his in his lunchbox.  He now thought of Walt handing him the juice box, Jesse loudly groaned and hit his head on the table, running his hands through his hair.

“What the hell man,” he cursed through his teeth. Why stupid, stick up his ass Mr. White of all people? Why him?


	7. Chapter 7

“What are you thinking?”

“What do you mean what am I thinking? You’ve forced me to get in this RV, taken me to the middle of nowhere and then you don’t explain a single thing to me. I’m confused, I obviously trust you for some god forsaken reason but one would hope you’re not just going to go and betray me, ruthlessly killing me and leaving me in the boonies. God knows no one is going to search for me, the man whose family has gone on as if he never even existed.”

Jesse bit his nail, looking over Walt with a perplexed look on his face, he furrowed his brow and sighed. “Dramatic much?”

“I don’t even know anymore,” Walt rambled on, resting backwards onto the folding chair Jesse brought with him. 

“Is it so bad that maybe…I just wanted to hang you know?”

“We don’t just hang do we? Have we even reached that point yet?”

“What is wrong with you? I brought hot dogs, and beers, you haven’t even thanked me. Anyway getting pissed drunk every other day while watching tv constitutes as hanging out to me.”

“I—ah I suppose,” not taking the time to notice his hands shaking, Walt placed them on his knees rubbing them up and down just so they were less clammy. “I’ve been fighting—with my wife—ah well…she isn’t any more I suppose.”

“Yeah?” the younger man narrowed his eyes, overlooking Walt’s troubled expression.

“She’s uh—she’s just—“

“Oh, you don’t gotta talk about it if you don’t wanna,” he noticed Walter’s body relaxed immediately as he nodded his head, almost as if he were thanking him.

“All they expect me to do is talk, I’m all out of words.”

“It’s okay, I don’t like talking either. Whenever I go to those meetings, the dude always seems to center his attention on me. He says something along the lines of _you don’t_ _talk enough, you need to open up, no one will judge_. It’s all bullshit.”

“Why do I need to say what I’ve already thought of over and over again? I’m just repeating myself out loud. Doesn’t do me any good, doesn’t do them any good. It’s useless,” Walt dropped his shoulders, his mouth agape as he looked far off into the stars.  The sky was beautiful, it was something he often took for granted. “It’s so fucking cold.”

“I brought blankets,” Jesse attempted to smile, he just kept on looking at his own hand, he couldn’t stop thinking about it reaching out to Walt’s. Then again he’d be a liar if he didn’t think that this was identical to the first moment him and Jane connected.  It frightened him. Thankfully Walt couldn’t hear his own inner thoughts though. Sometimes found himself worrying that people could read his mind, or read his body language. Maybe he’d find somehow to give himself away. But Walt didn’t really bother looking at him, his eyes were distant, aloof. 

“Oh no no, I’m fine. This is—this is nice.”

“It’s so weird, not cooking. I miss it a little but I also don’t, I mean it’s not as important anymore.”

“Really,” Walt appeared interested, his eyes drooping a little, the alcohol making him a little more relaxed. He took another drink, a small smile on his lips.

“I was good at it, I think. Even though you never really said—but…being with you—was the reason—I—uh liked it half the times. Sorry, I—I sound stupid.”

“No. No. You were good.”

“Really?” Jesse’s eyes lit up immediately.

“Being with  _me_ , though,” chuckled Walt, raising an eyebrow, “What on Earth was good about that?”

If Jesse didn’t know any better he’d think there was a flirtatious tone in his voice, his heart jumped immediately. The fantasies went on much better than this, he didn’t factor in that he’d get nervous and trip over his words though. Here was Walter White looking at him, for some god damned reason looking remarkably handsome and awaiting a witty response. Jesse couldn’t get it out. He was frozen.

“Precisely,” Walt took Jesse’s silence as affirmation.

“What? No,” he protested. “You’re in one of those stupid funks and you’re not dragging me down with you.” As usual Jesse retreated back to his attitude, not what he was hoping for but then again he still had his dignity.

Walt’s eyes were downcast for a while before he suddenly sat up, “Hot dogs. I forgot they were boiling on the hot plate.” Making his way inside Jesse followed after him into the cramped space.  “I still think we should have made a small pit, started a fire, cooked them in that. That’s how I used to do it during my childhood.”

“No way. No way with the fires. I’m ok with boiled wieners, alright?”

“Whatever.”           

“Dude do you seriously like have no idea how stupid you sound right now especially with what happened last time?”

“Well I could blame the alcohol…the nostalgia,” Walt articulated slowly, staring at the steam that came up from the water. As he picked at the hot dog with his fork, he made a noise of frustration, the hot dog rolling over making it difficult to be pierced. “Damnit.”

Feeling an urge just to touch him, Jesse bumped up against him and immediately blamed it on his clumsiness, “Yo, sorry.”

“Christ I could have burned myself.”

“You still can’t get it out?”

“I think you overcooked it or something,” again Walt attempted to get it out and for a second contemplated just sticking his hand in the pot which was clearly against all rational thought.

“Are you okay Mr. White,” Jesse was concerned watching the man have a panic attack over the most absurd thing.

“I can’t—I can’t…I just want to see my family, God damnit,” he hissed. “Holly is still so young and I can barely even get a moment alone with her, much less even see her, touch her. And Junior, christ, he’s wanting to be called Flynn, he doesn’t even want his father’s name anymore. I’m such a— I can’t even get this god damned fucking hot dog,” He started stabbing at the water, “And Skyler, she doesn’t want me anymore, she won’t listen to what I have to say.” The boiling water nearly splashed on him and it was at this time that Jesse decided to intervene, pushing him away and taking the fork from his hand.

“Just chill!”

“How can I chill? Have you heard what I just said? I have nothing, absolutely nothing to show for all of this!”

“Great, so what am I then,” Jesse’s eyes grew intense, he felt backed into a corner, it was either now or never.  Walt fell silent, he was stunned, maybe like he was really staring at Jesse for the first time in a long time.  “I’m something,” the younger man said boldly.  “I  _know_  I’m something…to you.”

Jesse hadn’t broken eye contact, licking his lips in silent contemplation. He just lingered questioning whether he could cross the line or not, if he would push beyond that invisible barrier that seemed to separate Walt from the rest of the world.  His fingertips lightly touched the palms of Walt’s hands.

_Baby steps._

“What are you—“

Before the older man could finish his sentence Jesse moved in closer making him walk backwards. Jesse’s hands stroked up and down his forearms, Walt’s reserve waning. This was forcing him to reevaluate the nature of his feelings. His face felt flushed, his eyes glassy in that split second before the inevitable, with only one thought in his head; Jesse was absolutely astounding. 

The kiss gave him such a rush of energy, Walt’s back hit the counter rattling the glassware from their cooking days. Quick to reach the finish line, Jesse discarded his jacket somewhere on the floor, they must have been stepping on it in their disorienting mess of a dance. Somehow Jesse just tangled himself up in him, his arms around his neck pulling him close into this utterly blissful catastrophe that was his hot frenzied mouth.  Walt got lost in it quick, just for a second staring at the open door, the cold winds coming in.  Still the guilt flood him, it was so bad that he had to place his hands on Jesse’s shoulders just to pry him off.

“What are we,” Walt nodded his head, trying to search for the right words, “Is this even moral?”

“What are you even—“Jesse scrunched his face. “Moral?”

_Walter White of all people…talking about morality?_

“I was your teacher!”

“That didn’t stop you from cooking meth with me so why should it stop you now?”

Wow, just one questionable choice after another, Walt thought. What on earth was wrong with him? Why was going along with this even an option?

“Christ you know what I mean. You’re just not in the right state of mind and me—I’m just. We’re both grieving the ends of things.”

“Don’t—,” grunted Jesse, just the thought of  _her_  killed him inside. “You need this right,” he urged.

Walt bit his lip, trying to figure out this dilemma. He hadn’t in forever. Maybe not forever, but it sure as hell felt that way.

“Look I’m hard too, I’m not lying or anything,” Jesse guided Walt’s hand to his clothed erection, his cheeks a fierce red as he did this, “It’ll be no big deal. You can think of it like I’m repaying the favor.”

The older man’s mouth fell open, the warm inviting throbbing heat he felt in his hand was a manifestation of something, it wasn’t some joke. Blood was definitely pooling there for god knows what reason. It took great reserve for him not to just unzip Jesse’s pants right then and there and see it for himself.

“W—what favor,” he shook his head back to reality, moving his hand away.

“You like—taking me in,” Jesse’s tilted his head sideways, a dreamy look in his eyes.

How the hell could his eyes get any bluer, sky blue at that?

“Jesse, no. Certainly not under those pretenses.”

“I like you Mr. White,” it took all the energy in the world just for him to say it. For a second Walt’s eyes did grow soft, but it was so quick Jesse wasn’t sure if he imagined it or not.

“I know what you’re thinking, but I’m just a rebound. I understand, I was young too,” Walt made some space between them. “You’re just looking for something to preoccupy your mind, but trust me there are more important things. You’re in love with love. With patience you’ll find the right person, I’m sure of it.”

Even Walt was starting to see through his own bullshit, but he couldn't stomach the possibility that Jesse would want him, certainly not for the right reasons. This was a fleeting thing and he couldn’t handle the uncertainty of that.  What made it more troubling was that the expression Jesse had said more than enough; Walt  _was_  that person. Now he felt like he was kicking a puppy when it had already been knocked down.

“I’m not just some stupid kid. Why do you think I took you out here? It was a date, this was a stupid date.”

Walt couldn’t help the smile that came over his mouth. 

“Don’t laugh at me, dick.”

“ **This**  was a date? Hot dogs in the middle of nowhere…in the RV…where we used to cook meth.” Walt had that too familiar condescending look on his face and it filled Jesse with blind rage. “This place doesn’t necessarily bring about fond memories.” That was a blatant lie, because it did, it brought plenty but Walt wasn’t about to admit to it.

“Look don’t patronize me, you can’t just blue ball me twice in one day you asshole. I get it already. I can take a no.”

But clearly Jesse looked like he couldn’t.

\-----------------

“Hey what’s that you’re working on,” Junior walked up behind Jesse.  Jesse turned around startled out of his memories, then let out a relieved sigh.

“Ah it’s nothing,” he closed his sketch book, then pushed the different shades of pencils away from him, “It’s just more stupid homework.”

“Oh. So you’re taking me to school?”

“Yeah, your dad wanted to say bye but you were still asleep and he had to leave early.”

“For work?”

“Yeah.”

“At that laser tag place,” Junior laughed, “I still haven’t been.”

“They’re remodeling and stuff,” Jesse messed around with his pencils, putting them in order, Walt’s OCD must be rubbing off on him. He didn’t like lying but he felt he had to, it was best the kid didn’t know anything.  “So how’s the school anyway. Anything change since I was last there?”

“I-I don’t know. Our assistant principle is hot.”

“Is she now,” Jesse grinned as he picked up his car keys.

“Hey you’re spoken for,” nagged Junior, grabbing his backpack.

“I mean for you, you idiot.”

When they walked over to the car Junior cursed to himself just as Jesse was getting in. “Shit I left my book, give me a second?”

“Yeah yeah we’re cool,” sitting in the driver’s seat Jesse looked out, thinking on his moment with Walt before he left.  He was starting to feel kind of stupid about it, it was a clear misdirection from the conversation they were having and Jesse felt foolish for letting himself be manipulated.  Despite where they were standing now, it was a fact that Walt would always and forever remain an asshole.  Why couldn’t they talk, but most of all why couldn’t he ever let himself get angry? Then out of the corner of his eye he saw a car pulling up next to him. It wasn’t recognizable at first until he saw a bald barrel chested man driving it. 

Shit it was Hank. 

Junior came out with a huge smile on his lips, “Uncle Hank! What are you doing here,” he jeered.  Hank came out from his car, shooting a disdainful glare in Jesse’s direction before giving Walt Jr. a pat on the back.

“Hey there buddy. Thought I’d catch you and your dad before you left…guess I just caught you.”

“Yeah dad had to go work but you don’t have to give me a ride, Jesse’s gonna.”

“Heh,” Hank rubbed his nose, looking over in Jesse’s direction.

Jesse’s heart was beating fast in his chest as he turned the other way, his hand over his mouth. “Asshole,” he muttered through his teeth before faking a smile when Junior started getting in the car much to Hank’s protest.

“Woah bud not so fast there,” he held the door before it would close.

It was so hard for Jesse not to tell him to fuck off but his budding relationship with Walt’s son would be compromised if he did.  “Hey what’s up,” Jesse managed to speak.

“Hey,” Hank hissed, “I can take Junior.”

“Don’t you got work or something with the DEA, you know, putting my buddies in jail,” Jesse didn’t have much willpower after all, he rolled his eyes quickly uttering an apology, “I mean guilty people. Guilty people in jail. Sorry.”

“They’re not your buddies anymore right,” Hank put his hands on his hips, standing tall, “Scum hangs out with scum. You aren’t a piece of shit anymore, is that right amigo?”

“No. Junior here is gonna be late. I was taking him out for like—some breakfast tacos at this place nearby. So if you don’t mind.”

Giving him a skeptical look, Hank narrowed his eyes, “Another time huh? Haven’t seen the kid for a while, you know how it goes.”

Letting out a breath of air, Junior rolled his eyes, despite being fond of the two of them, he didn’t necessarily like the tension or the conflict. He had far too much of that enough as it is.

“We could hang out another day, Jesse,” sighed out Junior, staring at him regretfully.  Jesse accepted it, but leaned his head back, his hand on his forehead.

“Alright. Have fun you guys…doing whatever you do…whatever,” grumbled Jesse feeling defeated although it was bittersweet considering he was half glad Hank was gone.  Hank left with an obnoxious spring in his step, it made Jesse’s stomach sink.  That man was just venomous, it wasn’t long that Jesse’s blood began to boil just thinking of that self-satisfied look on his face.

Fuck that. He wasn’t about to let Hank steal his thunder. He pulled out of the driveway once Hank and Junior was gone and went to go get tacos on his own. 

\----------

“I’m not sure if this is out of line or not, possibly I’m interrupting your train of thought—who am I to say anything but—ah you seem distracted today.”

Walt shook, zoning back into reality. He was staring blankly at the microwave as it heated up a hot pocket.  The timer had been ringing for some time, but for some reason he hadn’t actually heard it. Wide eyed and concerned Gale must have been watching him the whole while. 

“Hm me? Oh no. Maybe. I don’t know,” taking out the hot pocket, he cussed when he burned himself, then placed it on a paper plate.  Unaware of the judgmental look his lab assistant was giving him, he pulled it apart in half, the cheese and sauce oozing out.

“I have a recipe for something like that—“

“Oh hush, let me eat my crap,” smiled Walt.

His humor didn’t click at first, a look of terror on Gale’s face. His muscles eventually relaxed when he saw Walt’s face, he bashfully laughed to himself for misunderstanding in the first place.

“It really is good, I’ll bring you a book of recipes eventually. When you get out all those toxins, it really lifts your spirits you know—gets you healthy.”

“I get the direction this is headed and please…if the cancer decides to come back, I want to die eating this garbage.”

“Just a suggestion,” Gale stood up straight, then grabbed a clean mug from the counter.  “Want a cup as well,” he offered. Walt signaled a no, his eyes staring far off.  

“You know Jesse eats much worse. It’s hard to get him to sit down and eat dinner with you. Like a real dinner, he always comes home eating out of a bag of chips or something. He’s not even remotely concerned about the long term effects of a poor diet.”

“You want him to—eat dinner with you?”

“I want him to let me cook him dinner sometimes, yeah. I think we have our dynamics mixed up all over again, I’m certainly not the one who needs taking care of.”

Gale remained silent, this wasn’t exactly his forte nor was he comfortable talking about Jesse…especially considering his unrequited feelings towards Walt. Although he didn’t want to go so deep into it, the few times he had run into the ridiculously handsome young man, he noticed there wasn’t much substance to him. He was just cotton candy as far as he was concerned, outside of the typical shallow reasons, he couldn’t imagine what Walt could see in him. This conclusion he had reached would best be kept to himself, only expressed through pursed lips and eye rolls.  Not that Gale was a person who often thought bad thoughts, he tried his hardest to keep his mind pure and void of jealousy but there were moments where he had to restrain himself. In all honesty Gale sometimes wished he could be in Jesse’s place, waking up next to Walt every night.

“Have you considered…talking to him?”

“Oh. I never say the right thing. I’m afraid I’ll just repeat the cycle. Add another failed relationship to the list,” chuckled Walt miserably.

“Wow it sounds much bigger than what you’re saying.”

“It is,” breathed out Walt, “I think I will have that cup of coffee.”  

“No problem,” Gale thought he might as well make himself useful, given how choked up he was. He poured some coffee into the mug, then turned over to Walt, watching him as he slumped down into the sofa, eating his food. 

Taking a deep breath, he returned to the back room handing the mug to Walt, a reassuring smile on his lips. Walt didn’t take notice, he looked emotionally spent. “I’m sorry I’m ah—talking to you about this. I can be very private most times…it’s just who else have I got to talk to?”

Gale wasn’t sure if he should take that as an insult or a compliment, Walt was a tricky man to make sense of sometimes.  “It’s alright, really.” God he wanted it to end.

“You been in many…relationships?”

“No. I’m picky,” grinned Gale. Picky as in he could only seem to fall for people who didn’t give him the recognition he deserved. Wow another bitter thought. He was on a roll. “I like men.”

Gale had practically gasped out those last words and took a gulp of his own coffee immediately.

“You like what?” It took a while for it to register in Walt’s head. “Oh _oh_. Good for you.”

“I don’t have ah—the best of luck in that um…area.”

“It’s reasonable, whenever I find partners…they seem to just fall into my lap out of nowhere. I find a way to get their attention and well—it happens so fast. ”

“Oh.”

“Not that I’m some great Don Juan, I mean, I’m far from it. What I’m trying to say is I see this pattern and it repeats itself constantly. No matter the person, no matter the situation, it is always the same. I don’t know when its run its course, it happens just as fast as when it started. A candle just being snuffed out, like that. Things are said, things are done, questions are unanswered and my mind is like this skipping record, never completely, really, letting go.”

“Are you and your—are you and Jesse…on the…outs?”

“No. No. I just—“, Walt sat up, resting his elbows on his knees. “I don’t want it…to be over. I can’t just give up. God I can’t just…” He covered his eyes, composing himself.  “Christ, that wasn’t very professional was it? Just forget I said anything at all.”

“Why? We’re friends right?”

“I suppose.”

“This is the next level then, to our…friendship. We can be confidants.”

“Alright but I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this arrangement—“

“You’re a not a _feeling_ sort of man.”

“Yeah—something—l-like that.”

“It’s okay. Everyone has to be human some time,” all the bitterness aside, Gale liked seeing Walt like this. He wasn’t invincible, if anything it made him more lovable, more authentic for once. “How about we take a ten and then continue that cook.”

“Sure,” Walt was taken aback, “That’s fine with me,” he took a sip of his coffee and sighed.

\--------------

“How did everything go with Junior,” asked Walt, feeling Jesse curl around him in the bed. “Well, I hope? I called him, and he didn’t call back.”

“That’s right, I forgot to say,” Jesse muttered, his voice croaking from drowsiness.  He rubbed his forehead against the back of Walt’s neck, letting out a breath of air.  “Your bastard brother-in-law whatever the hell he is, he didn’t let me take him to school. “

“Hank you mean,” Walt responded flatly. He should have known. “God damnit.”

“He was looking for you, he practically mad dogged me the entire time, if he could he’d blow up my head with his eyes,” Jesse chuckled, “…right then and there if he could.” Draping his arm around Walt’s side, he pulled himself closer to him, planting a kiss on his shoulder. “It was so stupid. I had to eat breakfast _alone_.”

“Heh. You were looking forward to it huh?”

“Yeah I like the kid if that’s what you’re getting to.”

“I’d be more surprised if you didn’t. I wonder what Hank was doing sticking his nose in this, it was probably at Marie’s request.”

“Yo, it’s best he keeps his nose out of our business if you catch my drift.”

“You think I don’t already know that,” Walt faced Jesse, his lines deep with concern, “How are you doing?”

“I held myself together,” Jesse said proudly, pleased with Walt’s look of approval. “And you?”

“What?”

“Are we really alright? You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

“Of course we are.”

“You can trust me. I wouldn’t ever…want to hurt you like—ever.”

“You know you can’t promise that,” Walter’s eyes washed over with pain, “I can’t either. It’s foolish. But we can save this conversation for another time, maybe when I’m more lucid.”

Moving onto his back, Jesse looked up at Walt as he shifted over so that he was hovering above him, his hand toying with his hair.  He put his palm of Jesse’s cheek, studying his face, taking in every bit of loveliness about it. Jesse’s hand rested on top of Walt’s as he tilted his head sideways flirtatiously.

“I love you,” the young man softly said, his tone of voice barely enough to register as a whisper.

“Oh you quit it,” Walt grunted.

“I do,” sang Jesse.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Looking at me like that.”

“Like… _what_?”

“You know what I mean,” Walt moved in closer, their noses almost touching. 

“You’re just going to have to say it too.”

“It’s not going to alleviate things.”

“Say it.”

“No.”

“C’mon, just say it.”

“I love you, Jesse fucking Pinkman.”

“Nope.”

“What? I said it.”

“I _still_ can’t get sick of hearing it.”

“What on earth kind of crap did your mother have you watching as a child?”

“I don’t know. I’m just fine. You’re the bitter old man.” Jesse’s lips opened up in an o-shape, his eyes brightening with a boyish attitude, captivating Walt even further.

“You are simply the loveliest creature I’ve ever set eyes on,” he said almost in a trace. He must have been slipping into that habit of his thoughts accidentally being said out loud.

Wiggling in excitement, Jesse looked absolutely delighted by his use of vocabulary, Walt’s deep sultry voice driving him crazy. Shameless flattery wasn’t a bad thing, not in the least.

“Shit. Go on,” he sat up enough to give Walt a quick kiss on the lips, his toes spread in sheer giddiness at the contact. His heart was nearly beating out of his chest. “And you tell me you’re not the romantic,” he slowly articulated, giving Walt his bedroom eyes.

“Aren’t you a arrogant piece of shit,” Walt crookedly smiled as he licked his lips, before leaning forward into another kiss.

Jesse moaned into the embrace, his hands moving up and down Walt’s arms, his toes curling yet again. He dreamily grinned at Walt once the kiss was cruelly put to an end. “More. More.”

\-----------------

Walking into his Aunt Ginny’s house was more emotionally overwhelming than he had prepared himself, the sound of his keys echoed as the wind blew the branches against the windows. Branches he probably should have cut a long time ago, she always did hate the noise.  Jesse slouched, everything was as he had left it but it never really did have that home-y feel since his parents renovated it.

Was it worth taking it back, really?

Maybe it was better if had backed off and let some nice family buy the place instead, now it felt like a crypt. He remembered all the corners he’d retreat to when he’d grieve. The loss of Jane, the loss of his aunt.  No furniture in the place outside of the rolled up sleeping bag in the middle of the room and one lone table with the cactus that Saul left as a housewarming gift.

It looked like it was doing fine for itself.  Jesse picked it up, his eyes twinkling with some faint hope. 

Digging through his clothes, he folded them up and put them into garbage bags with a sense of relief that he finally had somewhere to go.  It was so mundane to feel this way though. But his leaving somehow felt more permanent. 

Sometimes he swore he’d feel the ghost of his Aunt walking around the place, it was debatable whether it was some drug haze he was in, his grief manifesting, or if it really was paranormal. The air would grow thick in what he thought was her presence. It was often comforting or frightening. If she were there now, she must have been proud because his muscles didn’t stiffen, the hairs on the back of his neck didn’t stand, he wasn’t overwhelmed with shame. No. Not this time.

As he carried three bags at once, he dropped one down the stairs. He cursed loudly, placing the other two bags on the ground and walked down the stairs gathering his jeans.  It all smelled like dirty laundry, but he couldn’t really get the smell out of them, maybe he’d have better luck with Walt’s washing machine.  On the last step he sat down and began to refold them.

His mind retreated elsewhere, memories here and there. God, the way Ginny went out in the end. He put his hand over his eyes, then began to rub them, they stung.  He wouldn’t wish for anyone to go that way.  Now he thought of Jane, of what could happen to Walt. As selfish as he sounded, he always did have shit luck but if God was trying to tell him something, it was how shockingly mortal everyone was. As a kid he was the sort of person who was too afraid to get a pet and even if he did, he’d often give it away before he’d grow too attached.

Everything was so uncertain and the more he thought of it, the more he thought of how everything could go wrong, he felt his resolve become more and more shaken. What if it wasn’t even death that’d make Walt leave him behind? What if he was just some vacation before Walt would go back to his family? Everything broken could get fixed, with or without him. Hank hated him, Skyler hated him, it felt like he was backed into a wall, obviously Junior liked him but he was a kid. Jesse knew better than anyone just how much kids had a say in their own lives.

He grabbed the last pair of pants and shook them to get the wrinkles out. A small ziploc bag of meth fell out of them, he looked on in shock. It landed right next to his red Nikes. Immediately he looked away, tears forming at the corner of his eyes. He stood up and grabbed a trash bag out of the kitchen putting away his clothes, taking them to his car.  When he returned to the stairs, he grabbed the other two bags, again his eyes were drawn to the substance. After putting the bags into the trunk, he longingly looked at the place, then at the driveway.

Walt confronting him, blackmailing him into cooking meth with him.

There was still some residual anger, some blame he directed at Walt’s selfishness, and also at his own. All the sex in the world didn’t just make the hole in his heart go away, there was still something big missing in that relationship.

Jesse bit his lip and walked back inside, grabbing the teenth and tucking it into his back pocket.

\---------------

“I get it Walt, you like things that are shiny and new but I swear the second it loses its novelty it’ll be rendered useless,” Skyler stood up straight staring at a plethora of choices at a car dealership, her cellphone against her ear.  “Also if you weren’t planning on coming, you could have just told me.”

“I am running late, but I’m coming. It’ll be ten minutes…at the most.”

“I don’t even know why we’re looking anyway, your stupid laser tag place isn’t even open yet. How could you explain this to anyone if you’re not even open and making a profit?”

“I’ll get a lease then.”

“Right, a teacher who just lost his job suddenly decides to buy his son a car? How exactly did you lose that job anyway?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did you just up and quit?”

“I ah—I don’t want to go into it Skyler. I just didn’t need it anymore.”

“Okay. Okay, I’m sorry.”

Walt arrived, adjusting his clothes for god knows what reason. He just felt a need to look presentable whenever he was around her. She gave him a condescending stare that gradually softened once he was at her side. 

“I already looked at all the sports cars and I understand that he’d want something red but think of the insurance, Walt. Also he’d be a police magnet, even if by miracle he drives the speed limit, they’d be on his ass.”

“Look, I’m going into this with an open mind. Whatever you want to get Junior, I’ll be completely fine with, I know you do your research.”

“You should be doing research as well. He’s your son too.”

Walt silently agreed. The two of them walked side by side overlooking the options but the both of them knew perfectly well they weren’t going to find a car there. They just wanted feel the comfort of the other’s presence, being together, doing things together, it felt familiar. Neither of them was about to cross the line, but the shadow of the memory brought about a strange sense of tranquility. 

“Any idea why Hank would be looking for me,” Walt finally spoke.

“I don’t know,” Skyler stared straight forward coming to a halt. “I finally got Marie out of my hair yesterday. Did he do something?”

“No. No.”

“It sounds like he did.”

“He just…Jesse was taking Junior to school and Hank intervened and insisted that he take him.”

“That’s strange.”

“Yeah.”

“You know, Marie was asking a lot of questions about him. I didn’t think I was in the position to say anything negative, much less anything at all. She looked devastated when I told her Junior was staying with you for the night.”

“She sicked Hank on me then,” laughed Walt, “It’s about Jesse isn’t it.”

“It’s kind of hard for them to stomach that you’re dating your drug dealer.”

“With the way you’re talking, it sounds like you’re starting to trust my judgment again.”

“No. I’m just doing damage control, Walter.”

“I just don’t think this place is doing it for me,” Walt tucked his hands into his pockets like an ashamed child, his eyes searching for Skyler’s. She looked at him, appearing exhausted.

“Yeah?”

“Has a dealer even gone by to speak with you?”

“No they’re all inside drinking coffee like complete idiots.”

Standing on his toes, Walt shifted his position, falling right back on his feet. He was all nerves now, he shrugged, “How about we have coffee then? Not any of the burnt crap they’re drinking in this place though, lets go somewhere else.”

Skyler’s eyes lit up for a second before she looked away, fixing her light blonde hair, “Yeah. That sounds good.”

“Great.”

“So my car or yours?”

“We’ll go in mine.”

“Alright,” Skyler attempted not to smile.

“We’re always talking about Junior, what about Holly? How is she doing?”

They both got into Walt’s Aztek, Skyler choosing not to ask about the huge scratch on the side. “Uhm. She’s great, she’s doing great.”

Walt beamed, thinking to himself how far they had gotten from point A to point B. Maybe being a family again wasn’t such a stretch anymore. Now it was a matter of how Jesse would fit into this puzzle so it could finally be complete.


	8. Chapter 8

Stiff and expressionless Jesse lay on his stomach, his chin against the pillow as Walt held him by the hips, thrusting into him.  An otherwise enjoyable evening was getting ruined when Walt noticed Jesse wasn’t reciprocating. Usually he’d move along with him greedily, letting out the most adorable needy noises, it was like music to Walt’s ears and without them he knew something was wrong. Pulling out then turning Jesse around he hoped that maybe it was the position that wasn’t as effective. The younger man looked away when he was on his back, his chest rising and falling as he tried to catch his breath. Walt lifted his legs, penetrating him again desperately wanting to get lost in the feeling just to distract himself from the troubling thoughts in his head.

No _yeah_ , no _fuck yeah more yeah_. Jesse stayed silent. There was no fun in fucking a poseable mannequin. He had had enough of this.

 “What—what is wrong Jesse, am I doing something wrong here? Clue me in. Give me some criticism, something,” Walt gasped out.

Jesse leaned his head backwards, exposing his neck as he bit his lip agonizing over the fact Walt felt a need to bring it up.

Watching him was a concerned look, in a last ditch effort Walt reached between Jesse’s legs only to look hurt with what he found, “You’re not even hard. I mean—obviously it makes sense if it’s me, I’m ancient but—“

“Mr. White,” the younger man stretched, his arms now over his head, “I’m just…I guess I can’t today. You can do your thing if you want. I can help or whatever…”

“You’re completely missing the point…” Walt licked his lips, feeling embarrassed in advance, “…I want you.”

“Yeah?” Jesse didn’t need to smile, his eyes were doing more than enough, expressing the mutual interest between them. He rested his head and sighed, wrapping his arms around Walt’s waist.  “I’ve been doing too much stuff, I’m like tired and shit. Maybe we take a day off and do this sort of thing all day. You _know_ …like when we first started.”

“Heh yeah,” Walt blushed. He’d fondly call them marathons, practically pushing his body to limit, but for Jesse it was somewhat worth it. There was this youthful energy he’d find when he was with him, it was like never-ending bliss. “Okay, I’ll check my schedule,” he stepped back into his boxers still feeling a twinge in his heart. He’d have to believe Jesse wasn’t holding something back, he remembered his college days were hectic too, so his explanation seemed reasonable.

Jesse looked somewhat relieved when the pressure was gone, this observation only served to make Walt more insecure. 

“You’re not angry?”

“No. No. Of course not, let down…a little, yes. Nothing I can’t get over.”

“Cool,” Jesse switched on the tv, meanwhile Walt crawled back into the bed.

“Anything good on,” Walt cringed at how needy his voice sounded, he just couldn’t get over the silence. 

“Naw,” the channels kept on changing, nothing ever satisfying Jesse’s interest.

“Looking on the guide is much easier.”

Jesse ignored him, finding some comfort in the flickering lights before his eyes as he pushed the button repeatedly. He was in a trance, his mind retreating elsewhere.

“Anything…you feel like discussing?”

“Don’t you have to wake up early,” the younger man softly said.

It probably wasn’t intended to be a jab, but it still hurt.

Somehow Jesse sensed it and rubbed up and down Walt’s hand, intertwining his fingers in his.  “Sorry. You need…to talk? How’s everything…with the family…”

“Alright, me and Sky, we’re on good terms. You know Junior’s birthday is coming soon, the business I own is going to be operating within a couple of days, it’s all—“

“Exciting,” Jesse weakly smiled, his eyes still melancholy.

“Something along those lines,” Walt narrowed his eyes, then got brought Jesse’s hand to his lips and kissed it.

“And…H-Hank?”

“He’s well…he’s Hank.”

“Is that a nice way of saying he’s still an asshole?”

“No. No. I’m sure he means well,” probably not but that was something he desperately wanted to address with the man asap.

“Naw,” shrugged Jesse, “I think I’m going to stop going to those meetings”

“The rehab ones?”

“Yeah, its all bullshit. I’m surprised I stuck around long enough, I mean if I’m clean—I’m clean that’s it. They’re obsessed with acceptance and closure…whatever. They act like it’s bad or something that I want nothing to do with my shit parents.”

“It’s understandable, did you tell them…a—about your abuse?”

“What abuse?”

“Well, they emotionally neglected you for starters.”

“You mean they never listened?”

“Yeah. That constitutes as abuse to me.”

“No. I never said…I guess.”

“Jesse, the whole point is for you to open up. If you don’t talk, they won’t know how to help you.”

“So what—you think I still should go?”

“I don’t know what I’m trying to say anymore,” Walt put on his glasses and flipped open a book, nearly going cross-eyed trying to find where he last left off. He was more than certain he had gone off on a tangent and was talking about their communication issues, rather than whatever counselor that was feeding Jesse generic crap. Then again, Walt wasn’t a big talker either. He sighed and decided that maybe that night he couldn’t read. 

\-------------------------

The sky looked clear, hardly any clouds in sight. The weekend had come by fast and Jake got bored just sitting around in his room doing as he was told. His heart beat quick in his chest, knowing he could get caught any second as he smoked that blunt. More than enough times he’d heard his parents uttering things about the substance, saying things like it was a gateway drug, that it shouldn’t be shrugged off like cigarettes or alcohol, but it only made him want to try it more. If the cool older kids did it, and they didn’t get hurt, why not him?

“Jake? Hey Jake,” Mrs. Pinkman called out from the stairs. 

Her son frantically waved his hands to throw the smoke out of the open window, he put out the blunt with his shoe, instantly regretting that decision.

“Yeah mom,” his voice was unsteady as he gathered up the ashes. He licked his thumb to rub out the black mark that was left behind.  Listening carefully for the sound of footsteps up the stairs, he instead heard the rattling of keys where the front door should be.

“I’m going to the grocery store, you better finish your homework.”

“Okay, bye. Get some mac n’ cheese for me?”

“I’ll think about it,” she timidly smiled, closing the door behind her. Putting her hand over her chest she gasped when she saw Jesse’s car parked in front, he was leaned against it with his arms crossed. Lifting his head, he felt his palms get sweaty and his chest tighten, looking her dead in the eyes.

“Hey Mom,” he said in a monotone voice.  He blew out smoke as he watched her slowly walk towards him, apprehensive, cautious, probably the exact opposite way a mother should react to seeing her son. She appeared to be shaken back into reality, the boy was still real, he couldn’t just simply be wished away.

“What are you doing here Jesse. You’re not bringing your mess back here,” she said in a harsh whisper.

“Wow, this is strictly under peaceful terms,” he rolled his eyes, then looked away, fixated on a child the yard over jumping rope. “I’m uh—selling the place.”

“What place?”

“What other place would I be talking about? Aunt Ginny’s.”

“Your father and I certainly don’t have the funds to buy it back. We don’t want it and if you’re having some sort of money related issues, it’s your problem. You handle it yourself now go before I call the police,” her eyes were intense but it faded away when she noticed she was the one making the scene, not Jesse. In fact he seemed to be unaffected, like he had seen this response happening from a mile away.

“God Mom, I so don’t give a crap. Call the fucking police for all I care. I came to apologize, I played dirty and I’m sorry.”

“Dirty? It was absolute filth. We’ve sacrificed so much for you, we brought you up, it’s not our fault you’re so ungrateful.”

“I’m pretty sure I can get a brain doctor to say the opposite but whatever. Anyway if I wanted a lecture, I’d move in and I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I’m letting it go. No loose ends okay, I’m looking for closure here.”

“Find your closure elsewhere, Jesse.”

“I also wanted to let you know I’m not going to be like you anymore, I never was. I’m not cold like you. I’d never pull that shit on my own son,” Jesse could feel his heartbeat rising, his eyes inevitably forming tears. “You’re the last person I want to have that house. You’d probably sell to some asshole with the deepest pockets.  I think a real family should live there, bring up their kids there, actually have a like—a great childhood or something.”

“Great, you think you’re the victim here? What about Jake?”

“What about Jake? You’re doing a real great job on him already. I get it, he’s the smart one but don’t you think that pressure is going to make him reach a boiling point?”

God he was letting her get to him, Jesse collected himself. This was about being the better person.

His mother was staring at him like a deer caught in headlights, her jaw dropping, she looked so insulted.  Like some boss in one of his video games he knew she was searching for some great insult, some great retort to shoot back but in fact she had already noticed the effects of all the stress on Jake already.  Before she could find the words, Jesse once again cooled down. 

Shit, those breathing exercises Walt used really did work. 

“Here is my number, so we can still be in contact, in case something happens…or you get over this. Put it on the fridge, throw it in the trash, I don’t care,” he handed her a piece of paper, “I’m like always changing my number but I think this one is gonna be permanent for once.”

“I see a pattern Jesse, one that’s unrelenting. Jesse just go before you destroy us on your warpath.”

Jesse held his lips tightly, nodded his head side to side, his eyes glassy with heartache. After dropping the paper on the sidewalk he got into his car, slamming the door; finding it as his only focal point for his anger, and drove away. With his head sticking out the window, Jake curiously watched him as he went, then down at his mother picking up the paper with Jesse’s number and putting it in her purse.

\-----------------------------------

Counting his footsteps, Walt found himself outside the Schrader household. Right before he knocked he heard Hank calling him over the noise of the garage door opening.

“Hey bud I’m over here.”

“What’s up,” Walt walked over to him, ready to not beat around the bush. “You skirt my phone calls then you just ask me to come over all of the sudden?”

“Was just waiting for a moment without the missus, Christ. The woman wants to turn a blind eye when she told me to confront you in the first place. How’s that going anyway?”

“I don’t know. My son isn’t talking to me. Now why is that?”

“Really?”

“What on earth did you say?”

“Nothing bad,” Hank lowered his head then rubbed his nose, doing an awkward shrug, “Not about you at least.”

He was busy putting bottle caps on his beers, Walt picked a beer up and raised his eyebrows, “You still make these?”

“Yeah.”

“I need you to stop.”

“Making Schraderbrau? Over my dead body.”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t think you understand. This is much more complicated than your love life, Walter. The kids, Skyler, they’re all going to be affected because your wiener is addicted to the young stuff. I’m not one to judge, whatever floats your boat, I don’t care, but when he’s someone…some little shit I pulled out of the gutter…”

“He is not—he is not some junkie like you remember. Alright.”

“You need to have a talk with him, he’s involved some shit bigger than you and me. Remember that guy that I—that man—Tuco. I think that Pinkman kid did some real damage on him, okay, I only just finished him off. No doubt that wetback was going to bleed to death in that hole in the ground, I put him out of his misery, a mercy killing alright.”

“Didn’t he shoot at you…I mean…that’s what you said to me.”

“That doesn’t matter. Now you got to ask yourself…are you okay with that? A man that can kill just hanging around, chuming around with your kids? With us? Walter, I never took you for being a fool, you’re a smart guy. I’m not being some asswipe cause I enjoy it.”

“I—I understand, he’s come from a violent background, I’m not that naïve. I know things.”

“Has he uh—said anything…I could benefit from? Because I really do need to see the bigger picture here.”

“What no,” Walt was insulted by the lengths Hank would go. “He’s suffering. He has endured a lot, he got of rehab and hasn’t touched the stuff. If you would just open your eyes for once.” Not noticing how intense he had gotten, he realized his hands had balled into fists. A look of disappointment was spread across Hank’s face.

“Black magic got you by the balls? I know who’s in control here.”

“Control? I’m the one who took him in, I take care of him. This isn’t some disgusting fetish thing you make it sound like. It’s symbiotic, there is a deep trust between the both of us that I haven’t felt with anyone else for a long time. And you—some outside force, can’t put a stop to it.”

“Cool it, ever see Twilight cause you sound like you’re saying the same mumbo jumbo from it word for word.”

“Stop telling my son things about him. Things you don’t know crap about!”

“Jesus,” Hank put his hands in the air, “What has gotten into you? You used to be such an upstanding citizen, yes sir, no sir. Now you’re on such a short fuse. I’m just saying, you need to reevaluate this so called star-crossed lovers thing you two got going on.”

“Don’t mock me,” Walt hissed, then composed himself, trying to breathe in and breath out to regulate his rapid heartbeat. “Do not intrude on my life, on my family like you have some say in it. I have sacrificed so much, don’t you jeopardize it.”

“I am looking out for you,” pointed Hank, Walt was so close to swatting him away and punching him but he persevered, his eyes shut closed. When he opened them again, he didn’t see an enemy at all, Hank really did mean well. “I don’t want you to be happy one second, and being thrown under the bus the next. Gee I suck at saying these things but I like to think there’s a lot of…uh—love here with you and me, right? A comradely type thing?”

“And all this you told me…you told Junior?”

“Well shit…yeah. The sparknotes of it…yeah. Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m need to leave.”

“Hey are you alright?”

“Am I alright? Am I _alright_? What do you want me to say? There’s nothing to do now. He’s surely made up his mind about me and my partner by now. I just have to wait for a phone call.”

“Okay, tell him I said hi then,” Hank waved, “This is for your own good, man. You’ll see.”

Walt had run out of patience, he got into his car and shot Hank a glare before speeding off.

\---------------------

Twirling the fork around the spaghetti, Jesse appeared despondent as Walt watched him from across the table. On purpose Walt made his silverware hit the plate just to get his attention but nothing worked.  It was strange, usually the older man was used to being the aloof one. 

“Hey,” he called out to Jesse.

Zoning back into reality Jesse appeared startled, he dropped his fork and then messed with his hair nervously. “Yeah,” he rested against his hand, his eyes still distracted, he couldn’t even look Walt in the eye.

“What do you think?”

“About?”

“The food. The sauce especially. It’s a new recipe I found. Gale helped me out a little,” Walt attempted to smile, looking for Jesse to have the same reaction but he didn’t. “He likes to look up things, the guy really knows his stuff. The other day he invited me to his place for lunch, and you should see the little knickknacks he has around, the odd music he listens to.  I wouldn’t take him to be an interesting person at first glance.”

Still nothing, Jesse sighed and then tried to carry on the conversation despite it feeling dead. “Three days in a row already?”

“What,” Walt wiped his mouth with the napkin, his eyes wide, “Me…cooking?”

“Yeah.”

“Two of those times you came home late, you just ate leftovers. You didn’t even heat them up,” his voice faded off into a whisper.

“You know. You don’t have to,” Jesse said flatly, pushing the plate away.

“Hold on. What is the matter with you?”

“I don’t know. Finals are coming up and—“

“That doesn’t justify you being cruel, I’m trying here.”

“It’s not you, if that’s what you think.”

“Okay. I’m all ears then.”

Finally Jesse looked Walt dead straight, then broke the contact, excusing himself from the table, the bedroom door closing behind him.

Walt rubbed his eyes and decided it was best he gave him some time alone, eating his dinner in silence. He kept staring across at the table at the empty chair, the steam coming up from the unfinished meal.  The ritual of getting the Tupperware and sliding the fork across the plate, pouring the food into the container was bothersome.  He couldn’t stomach doing this day in and day out.

After watching some tv he eventually got the nerve to knock on the door, he could hear sobs coming from the inside.  He held his breath as his hand touched the cool surface of the door knob, he’d have to turn it just to check and see if Jesse was okay.  Opening the door he saw Jesse curled up in a ball, holding onto a pillow, his face buried into it.

“Go away,” Jesse choked out.

“Why on earth should that even be an option?” Walt sat on the edge of the bed, examining Jesse’s face. His thumbs tracing the bags underneath his big blue eyes, pink and red lining them.  Jesse looked right up at him, before closing them shut, tears dripping down his right eye like a small river.  “Are we going to talk or—“

Instead of answering him, Jesse let go of the pillow and moved enough so that his head was on Walt’s lap, Walt instinctively ran his hands through his straight blonde hair.  The gesture was soothing, it silenced his snivels just for that moment. 

Licking his lips before speaking again Walt nearly stumbled on his words, “Did…did you….did you relapse? Are you thinking of relapsing?”

“Are you always going to say that,” Jesse’s voice vibrated against Walt’s stomach, it was rough like sandpaper.

“I’m not accusing you of anything. It’s just a simple question.”

“No.”

“You got to believe I ask not because I think you’re set for disaster, but because I care. You’re the best…let me emphasize…the _best_ thing that has happened to me in a long time. Outside of Holly of course.”

He felt Jesse laugh against him, his hand flat against his hipbone.  “I can’t compete. She _is_ a cute baby.” Jesse lifted an eyebrow, one of his eyes looking up at him as he crookedly smiled.  “I’ve been avoiding you on purpose, Mr. White.”

“Yeah,” Walt pushed the hair out of Jesse’s eyes. “I noticed.”

“I probably need sleep.”

“Really is that all?”

“No,” Jesse licked his lips, “I’m just bullshitting. I can’t even talk about it honestly.”

“There’s no hurry, stop crying though huh? It’s not a good look on you.”

“Kiss?”

“Who am I to deny you of such a luxury?” Leaning down just as Jesse was sitting up, Walt kissed him, the younger man immediately cupping his face.

After he sighed into the kiss, Jesse slowly opened his red eyes, “I always love your beard goatee-thing, mmm never shave it off ever. Plus it makes like BJs like ten times better too.”

“You need a shave yourself,” Walt rubbed Jesse’s growing scruff, then brought his lips to kiss the corner of his jaw.  Bashfully Jesse smiled, whenever he was like this, he was somehow even more attractive, his expression relaxed. Jesse was melting like putty underneath Walt’s soft kisses, his arms fell to his sides, happily receiving. That’s what he was best at, receiving. He just loved to be loved, and to be smothered by it.  

Walt gently held onto his chin, his lips returning to Jesse’s smile that had now turned into a sheepish grin. Like the kiss breathed life into the younger man, he wrapped his arms around his shoulders pulling him down with him.  Almost a little too eager, Walt went along with it now on top of Jesse, rubbing his crotch against his knee, the contact feeling so good that it only urged him on.  Jesse let out a surprised gasp into the frantic kiss when he felt his pants being pulled down enough so that his hipbone was exposed to the cool air.

“God I’m getting hard,” breathed out the younger man as Walt kissed his neck, biting it just enough to make Jesse grind against him harder. “Shit,” Jesse shivered underneath him, “Fuck.” Now he was resorting to cursing like an idiot, but Walt liked him that way.

“You _are,_ ” smiled Walt with an air of arrogance.

“You are such a fucking jerk.”

“And?”

Who was he fooling? It turned Jesse on how confident Walt could be sometimes, it just sent him into overdrive fumbling with his ex-chemistry teacher’s belt. Just the thought of it was jarring but wrong in a good sort of way.  He’d never get completely used to it.

For a split second Walt appeared to be taken aback by how much Jesse still wanted him, some fear in the back of his head made him think his allure was long over.  That possibly they were over. 

He sat up on his knees watching Jesse bite his lip in deep concentration as he unzipped his khaki dockers.  Walt felt his legs go wobbly, Jesse eventually pulling out his penis, spitting on his hand sloppily then stroking it, a wicked look on his eye. With his mouth falling open, Walt thrust into the movements, his eyes nearly rolling back just from the sheer relief of this tension, it was going to be fast, it was going to be unbelievably hot. God, Jesse was practically begging for it, Walt was so eager to give it …then suddenly a cellphone began to buzz, interrupting the moment. 

“God damnit,” hissed Walt.  It was in the back pocket of his pants, he rolled his eyes and pulled it out, with immediacy he signaled for Jesse to be quiet when he saw who it was.

“Hey son,” he attempted to keep his voice steady as to not give himself away.

Jesse beamed, it must have been Junior, who else would Walt call that?

“How’s it going? Good….that’s great. “

Just to keep himself busy, Jesse began to rummage through the nightstand drawer to look for the lube. His heart grew still when he found that it was almost too easy to find the teenth of meth he had hidden at the very bottom. He was doomed to repeat the cycle unless he discarded the thing. It had to be flushed down the toilet, anything.  With jittery fingers he grabbed it, then looked behind to see Walt was more preoccupied with the phone call.  He hung up quickly after a goodbye.

“I think it was a courtesy call. Sky probably forced him into it,” Walt said, then looked over to Jesse who was on all fours busy digging through the drawer.  “Boy are you eager, the lube isn’t that hard to find.” He licked his lips, his eyes brightening lustfully just catching a glimpse of him in this position, “If I’m being honest here, I’d have to say I’m enjoying the view.” The flat of his palms were at either cheek of Jesse’s bottom, kneading it, before roughly pulling his jeans down along with his boxers.

Jesse gasped and thought fast, dropping the baggie behind the nightstand. There was even less of a chance Walt would look there. Turning around he let Walt tug at each leg until the jeans and boxers were tossed onto the floor. Quickly Jesse discarded his shirt, then began to pull off Walt’s black t-shirt. He looked so good in black, it was a shame. The shirt too was thrown aside, Walt assisting in the removal of the rest of his clothes until they were both nude. Again Jesse found himself back into the same position. 

“Mr. White, you are like—such a perv,” Jesse shot a sultry look at Walt, “What’s so great about my ass.”

“A great many things,” Walt cocked an eyebrow, the younger man shivered feeling his warm breath tickle the small of his back.  One kiss, then another, and then another, Jesse slumped down into the sheets, his eyes glazing over, his face a faint color of pink.  The prickle of Walt’s goatee against his pale flesh, skirting across with each adoring kiss was a heavenly sensation. Warm, wet then dry, Jesse felt Walt’s thumb teasing him, not penetrating but tracing soft adoring circles.

“Christ you’re g-going t-to make me…so fast,” Walt bit his left butt cheek as a response, Jesse nearly rolled his eyes back, his mouth falling open.  The next act was something Jesse was unprepared for and was reserved for special occasions, usually after their really big fights when Walt felt a need to really amp up his game and turn Jesse into instant jelly. Pushing his face into the pillow, Jesse started letting out loud noises that were only half muffled but if someone were to happen to pass by, would think he was getting murdered. Now his face was a deep deep red, his knees digging into the sheets, Walt trying to hold him down in place, his tongue now replacing his thumb. Humming happily, chuckling every now and then when he’d swat Jesse’s hand away from masturbating, Walt was enjoying himself.

“S-so meaaaaaan,” whimpered the younger man, barely able to breathe much less speak, nothing could explain the feeling he was feeling, it could be described as something different each time.  He just found himself forgetting a lot of things, screaming out curse words, and then suddenly it was all gone, Walt flipped him over onto his back.  Jesse’s blues were wide and affectionate just waiting for his partner’s next move.  “You nearly made me bust a nut, asshole,” smiled the dirty blonde.

Walt clearly looked amused, kissing up his thigh, lifting his leg and planting another kiss behind his knee, Jesse instinctively giggled, his elbows covering his sweaty flushed face. He turned his head to the side with embarrassment but it just made Walt love him even more.  Eager to race across the finish line, he reached over to the lube getting the task done before he’d be in Jesse.

God, being _in_ Jesse, just the idea sounded like it was a dream.  

Grabbing his chin Walt leaned over the younger man kissing him softly, Jesse tilted his head back enjoying the contact, a million little goosebumps sending his heart elsewhere.  He opened his eyes to see Walt was observing him during the kiss, his green eyes admiring each expression, every pore on his face, and now the different shades of blue in his pupils.  The love was there, it was so strong and overwhelming, Jesse just didn’t know what to do with himself anymore and neither did Walt, but this….this they knew how to do.

\----------------------

“The maestro says unlimited tokens for you,” Saul pointed at Jesse with an overenthusiastic tone in his voice.  The two of them stood in the middle of the dimly lit arcade area, Jesse looked around and he seemed impressed, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“It’s really nice, dude.”

“Yeah, Walt replaced most of the games, he was more than willing to give the ol’ place a tune up and let me tell you, Danny is more than pleased.”

“That’s cool. So uh—unlimited tokens huh?”

“So where is Walt,” cut in Saul, looking perplexed, “Too busy that he’s handing the reigns to you.”

“No, he just trusts me. It’s a…he says…it’s a gift for me…” Jesse licked his lips nervously, “Or at least that’s the story.”

“Christ. Why would that play up? An ex-teacher suddenly buys his student this establishment…c’mon. It’s not like you two are even friends.”

“We’re friends,” now Jesse seemed annoyed and Saul even more puzzled.  “Whatever, he said you’re supposed to get me my own set of keys,” he stretched out his hand and Saul rolled his eyes, digging into his pockets and then dropping them into Jesse’s open palm. 

“Enjoy the place, you’re probably the only one dim enough to enjoy it.”

“Hey!”

“Not an insult, calm down. Ever heard the phrase ignorance is bliss?”

“I am this close to reporting back to Mr. White that we don’t need your ass anymore.”

“No bad blood, christ, just a joke. Can’t I make a joke around here?”

“I dunno.”

Out of the shadows appeared Skyler looking at the two of them, holding her coat, “Any idea where Walter is?”

Immediately Jesse’s blood ran cold, thankfully Saul was the first to speak.

“No idea. The man just vanishes sometimes. You’re the…ah—you’re the wife.”

“No,” Skyler nodded, her posture stiff.

“Oh right…that’s it… _ex_ -wife. Interesting.”

Jesse shot a disgusted look at Saul who was clearly giving the once over to Skyler, meanwhile she didn’t look impressed by either of them. 

“So this is…the place. I just had a feeling I’d find him here,” she shrugged.  “He hasn’t answered my calls.”

“He’s probably working late or something. I mean…once he gets his head in those notes, he’s practically lost…you know…statistics and numbers and shit,” Jesse found himself running out of breath just to fill in the silence.

“Yeah I know,” this was the second time she’d try to treat Walt’s partner like a human being. Her smile was more convincing, she nodded in his direction and he took the hint she wasn’t upset anymore, he lowered his head like bashful child. Maybe he wasn’t such a threat after all? “I suppose I’ll just try to get a hold of him at another time, after work, let him know I’ll be calling him ok.” With that she was gone.

Jesse nodded, then looked over to Saul who was absolutely captivated by her presence. “Yo. You guys got House of the Dead somewhere round here?”

“Do I look like I know? Just look around. Zombies right? I think it was right over there. Do you think she noticed me? I think she did.”

“Way out of your league man. You’ll be doing yourself a favor if you respect your place, stick to you pay-per-view,” for some reason Jesse was instinctively protective of her. He didn’t want scum like Saul sticking to her, he had heard enough horror stories about the things he’d put women through. But the lawyer seemed oddly determined, nothing Jesse would say would get him out of that state of mind. “Seriously…your job is like done...”

“Right right, I know how to take the hint,” Saul left adjusting his suit, going outside to see the opportunity of the lifetime.

Standing with the hood open, Skyler was looking down at the crapped out battery, her hands in her hair.  “God damnit,” she paced side to side considering asking for Jesse to jumpstart the battery just so she could get home.

“That is a serious piece of junk,” not a good opening line, Saul cringed, where on earth was his confidence.

Skyler shot him a dead glare, “Wow thanks. Maybe instead of insulting the thing, you can help me and jump start the battery.”

“Sorry. Yeah. Yeah,” now he felt like a kid. “I have some connections, I can get you a sweet deal on a new vehicle.”

“You’re not my lawyer, I’m good, I have the wires just get them out of my back seat,” she commanded him, like a faithful servant he looked for them, no questions asked.

“Well with a low fee, I can represent you, help you… _offer my services_. Maybe you don’t even need to pay a fee, maybe dinner would be good enough?”

“No,” she responded flatly, leaning against her car looking at her nails.

“A beautiful woman like you needs to be taken care of,” Saul felt beads of sweat dripping down his face, suddenly his suit felt insanely hot.

“Stop it with the lines, tell me about Walt.”

“What about Walt? What do you need to know? I mean—there’s clearly a client-attorney confidentiality agreement between me and him, I can’t say much.”

“I mean the background on him and Jesse.”

“Oh. When will we be hearing wedding bells with those two?”

“So you know?”

“Know what? You mean,” suddenly it all started to make sense.  Saul’s jaw nearly fell, “Those two. Crap. It explains a lot.”

“So you didn’t then?”

“You know…they both always did argue like an old married couple. It was like they skipped the honeymoon period and went straight to the unhappily ever after.”

“As much as I wish I were in the dark, I feel like I need to know everything…for my family’s own safety and Walt just isn’t speaking.”

“I can’t say a whole lot.”

“Okay. I understand, but Hank is on to Jesse. Watch out for him. He’s a good man but I can’t risk this all unraveling.”

Saul nodded, loosening his tie. “We’d all end up in the dog house.”

“I’m looking for loose ends here. My sister keeps on saying things that feed on my inner fears, things about Jesse’s intentions. I worry, but for the moment I trust him, any reason you see that I shouldn’t?”

“The kid is a thug. I don’t know. I trust him about as far as I can throw him. As far as loyalty goes they both are the most dysfunctional thing I’ve ever seen, they have every reason to be states away from each other but they aren’t. I think that says enough about the nature of their relationship.”

Skyler nodded and crossed her arms, staring at the sign light up for the business, “Lazer Base?”

“You know, it makes sense,” he overlooked the sign too, finding some odd sense of comfort at finally finding an owner for the place, “Scientists do love their lasers.”

“You got to be kidding me,” laughed Skyler.


	9. Chapter 9

“Look I’m red-blooded man, I like my steaks cooked medium rare and I like my women, okay,” just as Hank was doing an obscene gesture, Marie lifted her finger instantly.

“None of that kind of talk around the children,” she cut right into him. “Aren’t you glad the sun is finally out? It’s just the right temperature.”

“I haven’t noticed,” Skyler drank out of her wine glass then turned to see Walt sliding open the door, walking into the patio with beers in his hand. He slid one over to Hank, Hank nodded and thanked him but was ignored. Although Hank wasn’t aware of it, he clearly looked hurt from the gesture, Marie immediately catching on and grimacing.

“So uh—Walt? That…arcade of yours,” Marie took a sip of her glass, raising her eyebrows, “How is that going?”

“It’s going well,” Walt sat down next to Skyler, grabbing a couple of pieces of bbq chicken and putting them onto his Styrofoam plate. He wiped off his fingers onto a paper towel not noticing the condescending look Marie had on her face. Skyler cleared her throat, the atmosphere feeling tense.

“I don’t know what I would do with your sort of money, but something like that—that’d be last on the list,” she laughed. “Probably go to Europe, expand on our house…something useful.”

“Wow she’s not subtle,” Skyler cut in, after a huge gulp of wine.

“Hold onto your opinions until we see the profit I make,” shrugged Walt, then he gave a reassuring look to Skyler for having his back.  “So Hank, is that a new shirt you’ve got on? I don’t remember that one.”

“Huh? Oh this thing, Marie made me buy it.”

“It looks great on him doesn’t it? It’s just the right fit, accents those big shoulders, hides the uhm…stomach area,” spoke Marie, Hank rolling his eyes.

“Shit I feel like I’m sherbet.” Hank was coaxed into wearing the orange polo, nothing he could do to fight his way out of it.  

“And I’d eat you up,” cooed Marie, Junior groaned from a distance away, Holly in his arms.  He rocked her, moving back and forth.

“I think she’s getting sleepy, finally,” Walt Jr. smiled overlooking her face, her half lidded eyes bright from the warm sun.

“Oh that’s good, I was thinking we were going to have to drive her around the block,” Walt placed his hand on Skyler’s shoulder and she returned the smile, not recoiling like usual. She was warming up to him again, the dynamic felt natural.

“I say one more bottle would be all it’d take to get her to knock out,” laughed Marie.

“She’s had enough,” Skyler lowered her gaze onto her partially eaten food.  “Anyway you’re not the one who has the change the diapers hmm?”

“I’d be more than willing to pull my share,” sang Marie. There was a devious look on Marie’s face, one that Hank picked up on.

“Hold up. Hold up,” he interrupted, “I don’t want my wife stealing your baby. She is not kidding, she will take her.”

“Finders keepers, she was ours first,” added Walt, the four of them chuckling amongst themselves, his eyes traveled over to his son’s but he didn’t seem amused when Walt was doing the joking.

Without saying a word Junior went inside, putting Holly into her crib. Walt turned to see him walking towards the hall where he disappeared. Skyler looked worriedly at her ex-husband’s expression then turned her gaze to Hank, staring deep at him with a frown. 

“You two,” she spoke pointedly, “You two need to hash this out, who am I kidding, you three, Marie you’re a part of this too. We can’t go around pretending like everything is alright. It isn’t.”

“Excuse me,” Marie’s eyes widened.

“What Marie? Are we going to pretend you aren’t the catalyst?”

“What about you? You’re the one who attacked him or are we conveniently forgetting that? I thought we were all on the same side.”

Walt’s mouth fell open before he expressed his discontent, “Christ so your idea of this get together was to crucify me?”

“Certainly not, at least not with me,” Skyler said soothingly before her voice growing stern in Hank and Marie’s direction. “I’m going to be blunt here, I’ve accepted Jesse is going to be around. While it’s taking me some time to build up some trust in him…and yes I’m putting an effort towards it, the least we could do is not act like we’re on an episode of Jerry Springer. It’s clearly affecting Junior, if he likes him, why shouldn’t I try to do the same? You’re clearly putting him in a rough spot. With his father’s cancer finally being in remission, don’t you think you should step off?”

“Okay okay I’ll let it go,” Marie raised her hands is surrender, “But if it comes to bite you in the ass, I will be obligated to say I told you so.”

“Shit Marie,” Hank hid his face behind his hand. “You said we weren’t going to talk about this.”

“I’m done. I’m done. I just care so much about this family. I don’t want any of us involved in his mess. Walt I have to be honest with you here, what would a 20-something year old be wanting with you? Shouldn’t that raise question marks?”

“Marie,” cursed Hank, holding onto her hand.

“What? You said it yourself,” she shrugged, perfectly aware of the venom in her words.

“Yeah honey but what I say to you in private isn’t something you should repeat in public, if you get me? You don’t go around talking to everyone when I tell you I’ve got the shits,” Hank muttered under his breath, Walt tilted his head sideways in annoyance.

“I swear,” Skyler raised her hands, closing her eyes out of sheer frustration. “I can’t deal with you two. Junior barely talks to me, now he’s not talking to his father either. Who else does he have to talk to? Ol’ racist wannabe cowboy Uncle Hank? I have reached my limit. Get out.”

“No no, all of you,” Walt motioned for everyone to quiet down even though his heart felt like it was a wet rag being wringed. Marie just really had a talent for jabbing that knife at his side. “Can’t we just eat this dinner in peace for christ’s sake?”

“Yeah yeah what he said,” said Hank. “Racist wannabe cowboy. You serious? That hurts man,” he muttered under his breath.

Walt looked at him suspiciously, unsure whether it was genuine or he was trying to get in his good graces. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

Both Marie and Skyler had the same expressions on their faces, Walt musing that Skyler’s was more endearing, her lips pursed tightly, her brow furrowed, her eyes squinting. Reason seemed to prevail, the two sisters let it go and kept on eating. Hank appeared to be thankful, he raised his beer to Walt’s, Walt just sighed and raised his as well before taking a drink.

\-----------------

There was a knock on the front door of Walt’s condo, Jesse was so busy with sketching that he mistook it for when his partner would unlock the front door with his keys.

“Yo the door is unlocked, just turn the knob stupid,” he grinned ear to ear. “I hope you don’t care but I got the carpet dirty with some charcoal, I’ll clean it up later okay? I know how anal you get about keeping all your shit clean. Anyway there’s a surprise on the counter, I was so sick of your stupid fucking granny panties…” When he had turned he was surprised to see Gale looking rather small and embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, I should have announced myself or something.”

“Naw it’s cool. I don’t mind. You’re looking for Mr.—I mean for Walter,” that last bit was hard to come out.  “He’s at this BBQ thing with his family but he’s probably coming at like any second that’s why I thought you were—“

“Oh no. I don’t want to intrude, I just brought some recipe clippings and some different teas for him to try.”

“Tea? My Aunt, she really dug all types, they weren’t really my thing though. It was too complicated.”

“It’s…not…that..complicated…”

“Heh. What’s the word then…fancy?”

“Sophisticated,” Gale lifted his head, narrowing his eyes. Just a few words in and it was already clear that Jesse wasn’t too worldly. “Can I have a seat?”

“Yeah you can sit anywhere really,” Jesse sat back down on the kitchen chair, returning to scribbling. “God this is gonna suck.”

“Hmm what is,” Gale sat down on the sofa but lifted his head a bit to try and sneak a peak of what Walt’s partner was working on, “Is it for work or hobby?”

“A little both I guess,” smiled Jesse, “I get relaxed and frustrated by this but it’s homework…an art class. It’s stupid, I know.”

“Ah.”

The room grew quiet except for the sound of careful pencil strokes. Gale kept looking at his watch and eventually Walt walked in, Jesse immediately tucked away his sketches when he went to greet him.  They shared a quick kiss, Walt rubbing his hand up Jesse’s arm, finding refuge underneath his loose shirt sleeve. Gale grew uncomfortable watching them act so intimate and immediately looked away.

“Oh hey Gale,” Walt sighed, Gale was relieved it wasn’t an irritated sigh but more content, something he’d rarely hear those days.  “I forgot about today, it completely slipped my mind.”

“No I heard you had a prior engagement,” Gale looked at Walt, then at Jesse. Nope still didn’t make sense. “Family is family right.”

“Yeah you’re right.”

“Everything was cool?” questioned Jesse. It wasn’t hard to notice how sunny and eager Jesse’s eyes became when he’d look at Walt. He was preoccupied with playing with Walt’s belt loop when he spoke to him, eventually hooking his finger on it. Gale tried his best not to frown, not to admit to himself that he was a tiny bit jealous.

“Yeah it went as well as it could go. Felt a little like an intervention,” grumbled Walt, sitting down on the loveseat. 

“See I said it was going to be a death trap,” Jesse crossed his arms.

“Not exactly. Ugh I don’t know why I sat down, you don’t mind I’m going to pop in for a shower. I can’t seem to get the smell of mesquite off of me,” he looked over to Gale.

“Oh it’s okay,” he nodded.

“And mesquite is worse than that meth smell you come home with? I usually have to force him to take a shower,” Jesse rolled his eyes, he decided it was best to leave out the part where he’d usually join in so he left the statement sounding unfinished.

 “Speaking of smells,” sniffing at the air Walt cringed, “Jesse, don’t tell me you…”

“It does smell strange,” Gale also sniffed at the air.

“Yeah _again_. I crapped out the microwave. I opened the windows and stuff.”

 “The fucking poptarts. Again again?” Walt looked frustrated, grinding his teeth.

“Sorry,” Jesse messed with his hair, making a sourpuss face. “I just like, keep forgetting. I think foil, I don’t think explosions.”

“ ** _You_** —oh what does it matter, I’m off then,” walking up the stairs Walt left the two to themselves, his legs heavy as he made his way.

“Hey uh—you’re smart and all right,” Jesse chirped. 

“I guess you could say that—“

“Don’t be humble, Mr. White always talks about you like you’re his equal or something—“

“H-he does? _Mr. White_?”

“Yeah. So I like to draw and stuff and my teacher she was kind of vague about what she wanted but it sounded like I could just do whatever I want. A while back I came up with this…superhero team you know like JLA or X-Men, whatever.”

“Oh.”

“Well I kind of never told him, cause, it’s like…totally stupid I do stuff like this—he already thinks I’m immature enough as it is...but I came up with a superhero based of off him. He’s called….Dr. Chemistry.”

Gale tried his hardest to stifle the laugh that desperately wanted to come out, “Oh. Yeah?”

“I can tell you think it’s stupid already.”

“No of course not, is that what you were drawing?”

“Yeah,” Jesse grew shy about it, his cheeks getting flushed when he pulled out the sketch. “I know he’ll laugh.”

“What are you talking about? It’s great,” Gale looked over it with his hand on his chin, it wasn’t his sort of thing but he knew when to respect the amount of work he had put into it.  If anything it showed how much he adored Walt, it surprised him.  “Wow. His physique though.”

“I tweaked some parts,” laughed Jesse, “He doesn’t look _that_ perfect.”

“Well superheroes do have to meet an almost impossible image though. We can’t have them looking like normal people.”

“Yeah. He’s got a super cool trench and everything, too. I haven’t seen him in one but do you think I should buy him one? He’d look so cool.”

“Doesn’t seem his style you know?”

“Yeah guess not, he’s pretty set in what he likes and dislikes. But whatever, he’s one of a bunch of characters I came up with…my—my old girlfriend, her name was Jane,” he shut his eyes in pain, Gale gave him a sympathetic look catching on that this wasn’t just anybody that he was talking about. “She encouraged me to start drawing again and I guess as a fluke I just sorta took this class so I could get an easy A but it’s not easy. My teacher wants to push me too, she says I’ve got potential and I shouldn’t draw what I think other people want me to draw, that I’ve got to draw things that move me, stuff that I feel strong about.”

“And you feel strongly about…Walter?”

“Heh,” Jesse rubbed his eyes, lowering his head coyly, “Yeah. I do.”

Leaving it at that, Gale shrugged giving Jesse a small reassuring smile, “How about I teach you a couple things about tea?”

\----------------

“Are you asleep,” Marie sat up in her bed, her eyes wide in deep thought.

“Shit, now I’m not,” grumbled Hank from underneath the plush blankets.  

“Maybe we are being too rough.”

“About?”

“About Walt and his uh…partner.”

“We don’t need to talk about this now, baby.”

“Sky, she just looked so upset. I think she’s made up her mind already and who am I kidding? Is this really any of our business?”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“Just wow.”

“What do you mean Hank,” her voice suddenly sounded poisonous and Hank had to immediately give in with a loud sigh.

“You just don’t…sound like yourself.”

“Are you saying I’m a nosy, overbearing, bitch?”

“Escalating honey, you’re escalating.”

“My sister gave me that look! That same look she gave me when she was dating that one idiot in college, you know, the one before Walt.”

“How could I even know?”

“I’ve told you stories Hank, christ, do you ever even listen?”

“Skyler has dated a lot of dudes, okay.”

“He had a long ponytail, he was rude, had a bad history. Made her puff puff if you know what I mean.”

“No one makes anyone do pot, Marie, even you’ve,” judging by the look Marie gave him, he decided he wasn’t going there, “…even I’ve done it, I mean.”

“Okay,” she crossed her arms, her lips forming into a pout, “I care about Walt.”

“Of course you do, we both do. Not that I’d say it to him, haha. He might think I’m confessing my love or something, it’s like walking on glass with those type of guys.”

“Oh please, you wouldn’t be his type,” she stated matter-of-factly.

“What do you mean,” for whatever reason Hank felt insulted, honestly he liked the idea that he was unobtainable to both men and women. He was a good looking guy, at least that’s what he thought when he’d put on his jeans one leg at a time.

“You’ve seen Pinkman, he is handsome, wow.”

“Wait, handsome?”

“Well you, honey, of course you are too but he’s like…movie star…model walking the runway…sort of handsome.”

“Judging from the mug shot of that little shitstain?”

“No…judging from the time I saw him dropping off Skyler…her car just broke down on her. They had a nice chat, I looked out the window…and well—”

“I can’t believe you.”

“You know. I think Walter is going to buy her a new car, I thought I heard him telling her that.”

“Well enough about that shit, are you looking forward to tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow? What’s tomorrow?”

“Honey it’s our date night, our special time together,” Hank cocked an eyebrow, placing his hand over hers’ suggestively.  “If I weren’t so spent I’d say we’d get ahead of schedule.” He leaned in to kiss her but she stared straight forward, her head still stuck in thought.

“You think he’ll get her a voltswagen?”

“Christ Marie, I don’t know what to do with you.”

“Honey oh no. I was just thinking, I loved my beetle but it doesn’t seem like what Sky would want really. I know it’d be red, always red.”

“I love you,” Hank squeezed Marie’s hand, her eyes softened and she smiled, blinking a few times then tilting her head sideways. 

“I love you too,” they kissed, Hank wrapping his arm around her shoulder drawing her close.

“So date night it is, a movie sound good?”

“Yeah. It sounds great,” she nestled herself into him, pulling the comforter over her exposed shoulder, as Hank worriedly looked at the wall.

\-----------------------

“What’s today?”

“It’s Saturday,” grunted Walt.

Jesse was pulling on socks as he sat on the couch, then rested his head on his partner’s lap looking up at him, his eyes begging for attention, “So we’re just going to laze around today or what?”

Adjusting his glasses Walt let out a sigh, his head repeating a misworded sentence in the newspaper.  “They have such a terrible editor and this is a highly regarded newspaper, might as well be a tabloid then,” he ranted. 

“I like staying in as much as the next guy. But…”

“What? Why do you want to go out? Let me just have you to myself.”

“You can always have me,” Jesse purred, Walt’s eyes widened at the realization of how disgustingly sappy this exchange was.

“Well I’m not budging.”

“Really?”

“We have three hundred or four hundred—hell, probably a million different channels you can watch to keep yourself busy.”

“Mmm. No,” groaned Jesse turning over on his side, running his hand up and down Walt’s leg then squeezing his knee.

“You love your travel channels and national geographic channels don’t you?”

“Yeah but not now. What’s the point of watching if I can’t go to any of these places?”

“Trust me, you’re just fine watching it from the comfort of home. You’ll enjoy it a hell of a lot better.”

“What do you mean?”

Walt lowered his newspaper, his eyebrows furrowed, “There are no toilets. There are just holes in the ground, is that jarring enough for you?”

“What? You’ve traveled,” Jesse’s eyes brightened as he sat up quickly like a prairie dog, his toes curling in excitement at this interesting development. “Like where have you gone?”

Walt stared up the ceiling lost in thought, he folded his newspaper and put it to the side, then draped his arms around Jesse’s waist. “Well…not a lot of places. At least not as many as I would have liked to. Gretchen and I got lost in Europe for a while, I’d say it was romantic but it was mostly uncomfortable train rides and bunk beds that smelled of perspiration from ages and ages ago. “

“You eat any like—shit food like testicles and shit?”

Immediately Walt grinned. “No. I only like putting my mouth around yours.”

“Shut up you fucking perv.”

“So what I’m getting out of this conversation is that you want to go abroad?”

“What no. I’m like…why would I even…suggest? You’re busy…I’m busy,” Jesse was always a bad liar, Walt could see straight through him. “Unless like—you can or something, I mean you’ve got the dough. I’m almost done with this semester, I was thinking of taking a break so…”

Sitting back, Walt’s face grew stern as he contemplated the idea, Jesse was looking at him full of child-like hope. It was kind of hard to tell him no with the way he was twiddling his thumbs and biting his lower lip in anticipation of his answer.

“I’ll think about it,” sighed Walt, “I’d have to get around to discussing this with Gus, I’ve made him a great deal of profit so far. There’s a possibility he’d be generous and let me have a small vacation… small okay, maybe one week tops.”

“One week is enough, man. I can’t be stuck in a hotel room with you for that long.”

“Is that true? How long were we in that RV?”

Jesse’s chuckled as Walt’s hold on him grew tighter. Burying his face in Jesse’s hair, he inhaled the tobacco smell that must be imprinted on him by now, in his skin, in his sweat, even in his follicles.  It was nice but it just reminded him of worse things, maybe it was time he talked to him about quitting that too.

Picking up the newspaper Jesse opened it up and nestled his head against Walt’s shoulder, turning into mush in this warm embrace. He was feeling more affectionate than usual—shit, he felt like being romantic. He had opened it to the entertainment section. “Let’s like, take it one step at a time then.  What about a movie?”

Walt brought his lips to Jesse’s head, kissing it then rubbing his hair fondly, “I’m listening.”

\---------------------

In comparison to all the other mothers in the room, Skyler was the most hands on. She wasn’t afraid to be on the floor with Holly, sitting attentively with her, bouncing her while listening to a young girl read a children’s book out loud.

“Clap hands Holly clap hands,” she cheered, guiding Holly’s hands together. Holly widely smiled, as she moved her legs around. Skyler paid special attention to her daughter’s motor reflexes, she was wanting to walk already, that much was clear.

A warm feeling spread through her chest, she couldn’t help grinning a real grin. It had been a while since it came to her easily. 

When the story was over all the mothers scooped up their children, Skyler noticed Holly must have been the youngest outside the newborn that was being rocked back and forth in the back of the room.  There were cookies and juice, which she swooped in on since she neglected to eat lunch that day. Holding Holly with one arm she leaned against the window watching the people going in and out of the book store. Coffees in one hand, a bag full of books in the other, it made her think of when she was in university. The dreamer part of her life, that had been long neglected but she found herself retreating to that time. Long hair, bohemian clothing, dreaming about being a writer. Not a successful writer, but at least one that would be recognized. Have a couple of short stories published, _something_.

“You liked that huh,” Skyler said to Holly, “I liked it, it was fun.”

At the periphery of her eyes she swore she saw someone she recognized, she ignored it and continued eating her cookie until the blur grew closer and closer.

God, she felt her smile become a grimace yet again.

“Well look at you,” Saul came into her direct eyesight. 

Letting out a long groan Skyler raised her gaze, tilting her head scornfully.  “Yes. Look at me, living my life, wanting to be left alone.” She moved away from him hoping he wouldn’t follow after but he did. 

“Is that who I think it is?”

“What do you want Saul. I have to admit I’m not all that comfortable speaking with you in _public_ …with our situation.”

“Totally understand but hey—we can be friends. Anyone asks, we’re friends. Are we friends?”

“Would a friend call another friend a saucy minx when they were clearly told to stop?”

“No but hold on a second honey—I—I mean ma’am,” cut in Saul, his eyes wide and apologetic like a dead man walking. Skyler stopped dead in her tracks, clearly unamused.

“Ma’am? Is that the best you can do?”

“Is m’lady any better? You got to understand it’s like second nature. It’s a step by step process, I see a beautiful woman such as yourself, and it escalates for me. I can’t help it, the tongue rolls out and I howl.”

“Not an apology so—“

“Don’t make me out to be a bad guy. If that’s the case then Pinkman saved you from my bad intentions.”

“He gave me a ride. I could trust him enough to do that. In your case—“

“Now—“

“Are we done,” her crystal blues were absolutely captivating and Saul found himself entranced by being subjected to their beauty. She was fierce and upset and it lit a fire in him that was only lit by Francesca repeatedly blue balling his advances.

“Christ fine. I didn’t mean to be Travis Bickle creepy but I just gotta lay it out there. I want to take you out and bumping into you like this, it’s like the opportunity is practically screaming at me. _Hey I’m an opportunity, take the jump, do it you big stupid idiot_.”

“This is a busy place. Plenty of people come here, it’s not destiny or whatever you want to call it,” she was gradually warming up to him, there was a hint of sadness in his eyes like whatever confidence he had was slowly waning.  Still she wasn’t about to back down but now she was feeling a different kind of discomfort, she was actually starting to pity him. “I just got divorced and you’re my ex-husband’s lawyer, doesn’t that sound like a bad idea,” Skyler hissed under her breath.

Saul’s eyes brightened, it actually sounded like she was considering it…or at least had for a split second.  He flipped his hair out of his face, a small smile appearing on his lips.  “Yeah, well. Let’s start over then.” Outstretching his arm he offered her his hand, Skyler’s lips formed in a tense straight line, Holly mirroring her expression. For a while she looked at his hand, letting out yet another sigh, briefly hesitating before she eventually shook it. He held her soft hand for a minute too long and the instant connection Saul felt didn’t nearly surprise him as much as it did for Skyler. Her heart jumped in her chest. Where was the icy cold feeling?

Abruptly pulling her hand away, she brushed her hair behind her ear and raised her eyes to Saul’s.  It was the first time she had put aside all her anger, all her logical thinking. He was just a man, a human being and he meant well. She supposed it was good to have another person on her side.

“I have to be honest here,” she took a drink out of her juice, one of her eyebrows raised. “I’m not in need of a date.”

“Okay, fair enough.”

“In this mess I’d be alright with a friend.”

“I can do that…are there benefits involved or am I getting ahead of myself?”

“Far too ahead. What I’m saying is…the second you see something going wrong with Walter, you let me know. I don’t need specifics. I can find that out myself but I am having sleepless nights just wondering what he’s up to, whether or not we’re safe.”

“You still—uh…care about the guy,” Saul loosened his tie looking intense and vulnerable, his lower lip jutting out.

“I’m concerned yes,” her voice grew stern like he was overstepping his boundaries.

“I already said, I don’t talk.”

“Just give me the signal. Simple as that. I’ll make it worth your time.”

“You’ll?”

“No I’ll pay you. Jesus, Saul. You can take your cut from whatever Walter pays me from time to time.”

“Oh so a bonus,” well that was good enough for the lawyer, he had that familiar grin back on his face. “I’m game then.”

“Great.”

Saul sifted through his suit pockets looking for a business card but instead found a packet of matches. He shrugged and pulled out a pen writing something on the back of them. “Right here is my office number…and the back well…”

“Home number?” Skyler smiled, looking at him through what one would assume were sultry eyes.

Saul nearly choked on his spit, and his eyes retreated to his feet, “Yeah. For emergencies, whatever.”

“Pleasure doing business with you,” she said, her voice oozing with confidence. Her expression was cold enough to send the message that she was done with him. So done with him.

It was so hot. She was so hot.

The lawyer wasn’t sure what to do next, he felt like a lost little boy just slowly backing away from a statuesque woman. He just smiled crookedly and made his exit while he internally cursed himself for not holding it together like a man. For god’s sake he had made many expeditions with different types of women, granted they weren’t all beautiful, but certainly none of them were like her. He had sold out Walter. His heart sank, but he decided he wouldn’t fret on it, as long as there was clean sailing, he’d get his cut without doing a single thing.

\----------------------

Fixated on a woman’s purple purse, Marie found herself wondering when she was supposed to get her paycheck that month, she was in much need of a shopping spree. Both her and Hank had been standing in line for a while, surrounded by the chitter chatter of people having numerous conversations around them.  She turned to look at Hank who was getting impatient by the wait, she smiled at him, her expression instantly calming him down.

There was conversation in particular that was standing out above the rest.

“Shit. We are watching one of my movies okay, you don’t get to bitch about it okay. I watch enough of your crap as it is.”

“Crap? You’re ridiculous, they’re works of art.”

“Crap is crap, man. Black and white and they’re not even—like The Three Stooges or Laural and Hardy funny. Just serious crap, gloomy people. I want to see cars vroom vrooming all over the place yo.”

“The hell are you going on about Jesse. Ingmar Bergman, Alfred Hitchcock, Jean-Luc Godard, Federico Felini, all the greats are supposed to be below par compared to your CGI explosion-fests?”

“………yeah,” spat out Jesse defiantly.

“I can enjoy most films. Unbeknownst to you, I know how to let go, to watch something…simple-minded….and enjoy it.”

“Well excuse me for speaking so soon. Congratulations you’ve just won an award for getting off your pedestal and loving Happy Feet so fucking much.”

Both Marie and Hank’s backs went up straight. Were they seriously hearing a bicker-fest going on between Walt and his new lover? Turning just enough so she could get a good look at them through her peripheries, Marie’s eyes widened at the sight of them.

“Shit should we say hi,” Hank muttered under his breath.

“Not today of all days.”

“Christ that shithead still gets to me,” sneered Hank, licking his lips, his palms getting clammy.

“Hank calm down. You’re the bigger man alright.”

“You’re right I am. We agreed to a truce right? We’ll have our fun, they’ll have theirs. I just hope we don’t end up in the same movie.”

Like her eyes were magnetically drawn to them, she stared at the two out of sheer curiosity. It was practically eating her alive. They continued to argue but it seemed like they were lost in their own little world.  Which to Marie’s advantage made it so easy to spy, their gaze could hardly be broken even while they fought. Judging by their chemistry there was a subtle layer of flirtation.  She imagined it must have been some type of foreplay the two would engage in, maybe it’d make the sex ten times better. Shit. That made sense. Maybe it was genuine but a bit destructive too, like something out of some dirty novel she’d read whenever Hank wasn’t around.

When they filed into the theater and found their seats neither Hank nor Marie were surprised that Jesse and Walt sat just a few rows away from them. The lights went dim and Jesse leaned his head against Walt giving him the go ahead to wrap his arm around him.  They looked cozy, they looked…strangely normal, like any other couple would. 

It was one thing for her to run her mouth off about them, forming opinions on something she only knew second hand but it was another to actually see it before her very eyes.  Sure it was odd seeing someone at the receiving end of Walt’s affections that wasn’t Skyler but that didn’t work out for whatever reason and this was for the moment. She couldn’t imagine depriving Walt of that, he was still family. 

Midway through the movie Marie realized she was more interested in reading their body language, just watching the silhouette of Walt running his hands through the points of Jesse’s spiky blond hair and Jesse every now and again persisting that Walt kiss him by rubbing his nose against his cheek, this technique was usually effective although Walt seemed to be reserved about it.

There was this aching feeling in her, a nostalgic one, one that maybe didn’t involve them at all, just the idea of them. She wanted that back with Hank. They had gotten so lost in their own lives that they forgot to appreciate the little things, to go against the routine. This didn’t feel new and although nothing was wrong with their relationship, a wall was there where there used to be a silent unspoken intimacy. As self-sacrificing her husband was she knew he still got the shit end of the stick and she somehow wanted to make it better but talking to him was like walking on ice.  Jesse was just another outlet for that frustration. 

“You alright honey,” she rubbed Hank’s stiff hand.

He licked his lips and let out a long sigh. “You want anything, I have the munchies.”

“No, no. I’m okay.”

“You sure,” he half smiled.

“Yeah honey,” when he made his way past her she spanked him playfully.

Hank gathered himself up, he tried to rationalize why he felt this way but all he could think of was two aspects of his life colliding when he really wished they wouldn’t.  As Hank tried to grab some napkins after getting his snacks, he almost walked into Walt.

“Oh. Hank, what’s up? You’re here with Marie?” Walt was playing nice as he spoke while getting some napkins of his own, “Jesse is so clumsy, the oaf spilled his coke everywhere.”

“You have got to come to your senses Walter.”

It seemed to have hit Walt from left field, for some reason he had hoped this topic would be long over considering how agonizingly repetitive it was. “Excuse me?”

“You look like an idiot. I didn’t know you guys were that public. You know if one of my guys sees you around, what they’ll say? What they’ll say about me?”

“Look it’s none of my concern, Hank.”

“Does the world suddenly revolve around you?”

“Might as well since my personal life became such a high priority issue.”

“I don’t care what you do behind closed doors, Walt,” Hank’s nostrils were flared as he got closer to Walt, Walt seemed unfazed and arrogant. “Popping cocks up each other’s asses, doing the hokey pokey and what not…I don’t give a fuck but when it’s out in the open, it’ll make me out into a joke. I’m not going to be the butt of anyone’s joke back at my job. What, I couldn’t put him behind bars but my brother in law can handcuff him in bed? C’mon.”

“You…not the butt of the joke? How incredulous is that? The man who just screams repressed homosexual, is scared he’ll be the butt of the joke.”

“What are you talking about?”

Walt narrowed his eyes as the gears turned in his head. He was ready for his next move, “Ever think back on that blow job you got just hours before your wedding?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just in case no one knows about what blow job I'm referring to, just check [ this ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9aRNTKztck) out and you'll get what I'm talking about. 
> 
> Also sorry I haven't updated as fast as I've promised, work has been kind of killing me lately but I'll keep on getting around to posting new chapters. So hope you dig this, I kind of put this together in a rush so sorry in advance for any typos or inconsistencies.

Lit candles and dinner weren’t a usual staple in the Schrader household unless it were a special occasion but the place looked different, everything felt different. Hank had the task at hand in mind, pressing the on button on his stereo, romantic R&B filling the once silent space. Popping the cork off the champagne, he served it in each glass making sure the bubbles settled down before properly topping it off.

Perfect.

Making his way over to the bed, he admired the sheer drapes that cascaded over the sides. Strange. They weren’t purple. They were nowhere near purple.

Still he didn’t fret for long, his eyes were locked on the silhouette that was sat upright awaiting his return, their foot tapping in anticipation.

After just a few drinks from their glasses, they were rolling on the bed in a frenzy of affection. It happened so fast like a record skipping. When the clothes came off, when the deed was done, Hank was exasperated trying to catch his breath from being with this new companion. It was unbelievable, like an overwhelming of the senses all at once but he didn’t have the slightest idea who this person was. Their skin was pale and soft, their frame was small, even smaller than Marie’s. With his heart beating hard in his chest he placed his hand on their shoulder. Trembling but with some restraint he  gently urged that they face him only to see their face.

He coiled back in horror, his stomach twisting into knots.

Jesse’s was looking straight up at him, his hand reaching out to touch his cheek. He didn’t know any better what gender this person was. How they didn’t feel any different than a woman. How could he have fallen for it? What was wrong with him?

Suddenly Hank jumped in his bad, waking up from his dream. His chest rose and fell quickly as he looked at the clock, it was 12:47 pm. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Marie? Marie are you there?”

Marie appeared, her face an inauthentic sort of happy, the face she’d usually put on to calm him down. “Oh hey honey.”

“Why the hell did you let me oversleep?”

“I didn’t,” she took a drink out of her coffee mug, “I called you in sick. You’ve been overworked, I mean yesterday you looked so…exhausted. I thought you could use a day in.”

“Christ I had things to do,” he covered his eyes, parts of his dream coming back to him in flashing images. He just couldn’t stomach it, he felt horrible, questioning all of his beliefs at once. Just what kind of man was he now?

Looking concerned, Marie’s mouth opened but then it closed again, leaving some words unsaid.  Instead she took the higher road and left the room.  “I’m going back to work, I took a short lunch,” she announced, shutting the front door behind her.

Sitting up, wallowing deep in his shame, Hank used his sheet to wipe the sweat off of his forehead. He thought back on Walt unleashing his harsh words on him, saying things that he wasn’t sure he should believe or not.

Maybe it was the wrong place at the wrong time that brought him to that bar. Maybe it was the cold feet that made him act irrationally and let a stranger give him oral sex.  All he could think about was Marie standing at that aisle expecting him to stand up and be a man, to be in it for the long haul and god knows he was and he was still there next to her. No one else had made him stray into temptation ever again…

But the fact that person…might have been…a….

Hank had never felt so stupid in his life, especially if Walt had been hiding that secret the entire time, probably laughing behind his back. Just because Walt said it didn’t necessarily mean it was true…then again it all did begin to ad up. Covering up his face with his hands, Hank ground his teeth together.

How could he process any of this now?

\------------------

“Hey Mr. White,” Jesse curled his legs up against his chest overlooking his homework, “66 divided by 2 is?”

“33,” Walt absentmindedly answered, his head buried in notes he was writing.  

It so happened Jesse had lost his calculator and he wasn’t about to go and buy a new one when his homework was due the next day in the morning. He  narrowed his eyes and overlooked his boyfriend who was now leafing through the papers appearing to be frustrated.  Jesse scribbled the answer, then cocked his eyebrow, Walt still wasn’t catching on.

“And like…365 multiplied by 7.25?”

“2646.25,” now he sounded annoyed.

Again Jesse wrote the answer, then bit on his pencil, his eyes locked on Walt who in the mess of whatever was going on, looked especially handsome in disheveled sort of way.  His collar was undone exposing enough neck to get Jesse's mind racing straight towards the gutter. His stupid button up shirt was folded up to his forearms which made the younger man think back on the many times Walt would lean on his elbows, each forearm at either side of Jesse’s head as he’d thrust again...and again...and again.

“You—uh okay there?” inquired Jesse, desperate for any kind of conversation to distract himself as well as attempting to fish out the current source of Walt’s agitation.

“Me okay? Yeah I’m fine, I just can’t—I can’t think properly.”

“You’ve been weird since yesterday.”

Walt had been for a fact acting strange, he was more frustrated, reclusive, like there was something he was hiding.

“No. No. It’s nothing.   How’s that work you’ve been doing going?”

“I’m learning—uh—things,” Jesse bit his lip still carefully watching Walt, hoping he’d somehow give himself away.  As if Walt could sense him, he lifted his gaze up to the curious expression his partner had, while he nibbled away at a potato chip.  “Yo don’t like change the subject, man.”

“I need to relax and think over things,” Walt spoke sternly to himself as he stood up, leaving that vague statement floating about between the both of them.  Dragging his feet he tinkered with his stereo, soothing old-timey music started playing, something way beyond Jesse’s time, maybe beyond Walt’s as well.

Jesse’s ears perked up, not entirely in protest, but in curiosity, he watched Walt’s back as he swayed to and fro, lost in the rhythm of the song.  He didn’t look foolish like he’d expect him to but up until that point he had never seen Walt in the mood for listening to music outside of it simply being background noise.  

“So that’s what your stereo is for, thought it was like—décor or something.”

“Ha ha. Good one,” Walt turned, a dimple deep in his cheek as he smiled, his eyes  a little tired and glossed over like he had one too many drinks before Jesse had gotten home, “When you’re done mocking me, how about you come over here?”

“Nope,” widely grinned Jesse, his neck stretched like a defiant ferret. “I’m working.”

“Hm right, you keep on doing that and I’ll stop being your human calculator.”

“What? I wasn’t like—using you to…cheat or…something…I can totally do this shit on my own.”

“Fine just dig yourself deeper in the hole then, but don’t let that deter you from coming over here.”

“Why,” the younger man narrowed his eyes as he placed his mechanical pencil on the table, slowly walking towards to Walter who was humming to the song, his open palm awaiting his arrival. Once Jesse was close enough, Walt pulled him towards him, their hips against one another, his hand resting on the small of his back.  There was a rosy tint to Jesse’s cheeks when he attempted to save face, his eyes traveling elsewhere, anywhere, until they finally rested rested on a Scientific American magazine.  “This is so stupid, Mr. White.”  

“Frankly I don’t give the slightest shit. I think its nice,” disputed Walt as if his truth were the only truth. And just this one time, he was right. Closing his eyes, soaking up the moment as they found their footing, his hand slid down Jesse’s forearm before finding his hand. Walt’s fingers intertwining with Jesse’s slender ones as he pulled their hands up and rested them against his chest while they swayed like  tree branches in a soft breeze.

Gradually Jesse found himself warming up to the song, to Walt holding him as they danced slowly. It was calming, it was oddly soothing and intimate. Jesse let out a hushed sigh, wrapping his arm around Walt’s neck, resting his head on his shoulder.

It almost felt mandatory that he not stay silent, there was an overabundance of things to say but he wasn’t sure how to say them.  “I feel so safe. Safe with you. God that’s so gay, it sounds gay,” he whined, his eyes still on the magazine as he blinked his half lidded eyes. “I feel closest to you than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s okay—okay if you don’t like—feel the same way. I-ah-I’m just rambling.”

Walt shut his eyes tightly, his chest suddenly tight, Hank still on his mind.

“Just don’t make me look like a fool, Jesse. Christ. I’ve stuck my neck out for you. Don’t  make me regret this,” his original intent wasn’t to sound so rough but it came across that way, if anything he was frightened at the weight of this thing they had, the way it was twisting, distorting everything.

“Look asshole, are you threatening me or saying you feel the same,” Jesse pulled back enough to scrutinize Walt’s expression, his eyes searching his.

Walter licked his thin lips, staring up at the ceiling like a man looking for his misplaced testicles. He must have been mentally kicking himself in the shin for sounding like an insensitive bastard, afraid to be vulnerable to who he loved most. “You do the math,” he grunted, shaking his head side to side before returning to their earlier position, nestled against one another.

“I love you, Mr. White.”

“I love you too, Jesse.”

Those words still had the same effect on Jesse, there was no way in hell they’d lose their significance.

Although time had passed, he was still in a shock at how fast they went from A to B. How Jesse went from grieving his dead girlfriend to clinging to the next person who showed him affection.

It sounded cheap.

It wasn’t cheap, god it wasn’t cheap, Jesse swore he wasn’t a kid. He was lost but he knew what he wanted, he wanted Walt right there with him.  He always wanted Walt waiting for him, knocking on his front door.

He found himself thinking back to that self-fulfilling prophesy, that teenth of meth. For a few days he hadn’t thought of it and the days passed like a dream. Stupidly he planted it there like an easter egg to fuck up what good they had now. That self destructive part of him was rearing in it’s ugly head but for once he swore he wouldn’t let it win, he wouldn’t let the meth win. He could smell the wet rain of that one time, the mud he wiped off on his aunt’s mat before he let himself in...

\----------------------------------

Rain poured outside as Jesse sat on the floor, flipping his red phone open and closed. Some feeling burned him from the inside out causing a scowl to spread across his face, he never felt so alone in his life, the sting of Walt’s rejection still reverberating through him.

It shouldn’t have been such a big deal right?

There was nothing, no sign of contact from Walter’s end. Nothing but silence since the moment they drove back to the city in that RV, trying to relive memories that were long ago…not that they were that good anyway. It was like grasping at straws, those fragments added up into a bigger picture, one that Jesse longed to expand on. It couldn’t be it. It was so anticlimactic and humiliating just coming out and expressing his feeling to an old man who in the long haul should be glad someone of his age had anyone pining after him.

Pining.

Wow. Had Jesse reached a new low?

No. There was lower. He looked down at his baggy jeans, left over baggies he had of meth in his pockets. Considering whether he should sell the things or smoke them himself was his current conundrum, it was all he had left.  

Where was Jane now? Where had she gone?

After much thought he stood up and walked over to the bathroom, the toilet lid was already up.  Staring down the bowl, he bit his lip remembering the time Walt had to pull him off the thing by the leg just to get him to stop smoking the product.

Shit belongs in the toilet, Jesse thought.

Grabbing handfuls of already prepackaged teenths, Jesse held his breath and out of a whim tossed them down the toilet before he could change his mind. Quickly he flushed it, his heart beating fast, and by the time everything clicked, the doorbell rang. Although he wasn’t aware, one baggie was left in the furthest, deepest corner of his pocket.  

"I ah-I wasn’t sure if I should just come or if I should call. Just calling would seem impersonal," Walt stood at Jesse’s door with a uncharacteristically apologetic look on his face, his clothes wet and different shades of disgustingly neutral colors.  

Jesse scoffed in an attempt to appear that he wasn’t really thrilled on the inside, when in reality he was.  ”What are you doing here,” he said, leaning his arm against the door, attitude in his voice, doing his best Marlon Brando impersonation, not that he really knew who he was.  

"We could just hang out or something," grumbled Walt, almost unintelligible.

"Me with you?" laughed Jesse. "You’ve got to be fucking with me."

"Come on don’t— just don’t be like that…at least have the human decency to not have me standing around out here."

"Fine but you’re only coming in cause you’re letting in the rain, it like never rains…"

Taking off his beige jacket, Walt just nodded along with Jesse’s statement, then looked around the place realizing there was no where to put his jacket.

"Just drop it on the floor or the table…whatever," Jesse flopped onto his sleeping bag as Walt overlooked his living arrangement judgmentally

"So this is how you live?”.

"Yo what are you doing here in the first place, man?"

"What am I doing here?"

"Yes. What the hell are you doing here? I mean you came for a reason other than to give me that stupid looking face," pointed Jesse which made Walt further grimace.  Although if he didn’t know any better he’d think the older man was nervous, constantly wringing his hands as he awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, looking around.

"I just came to see how you are."

"I’m alive. I’m passing my classes. I’m not using,” Jesse thought of the meth he had just flushed, hopefully the toilet wasn’t clogged again, “There I answered all you need to know…so?"

Walt swallowed, then slowly opened his mouth, gesturing ever so slightly just to make the words come out, “About…that night…”

"Oh you mean the one night where we tongue wrestled and you pretended like it didn’t happen? Like you didn’t like it?” Jesse appeared to be not amused by Walt beating around the bush so Walt decided it was best to play it straight forward.

"Fair enough," Walt licked his lips before completing his sentence, "I did like it.”

For a fleeting moment, Jesse’s eyes brightened and his jaw nearly lost the ability to hold itself up but that residual hurt brought him back to what he saw as reality. “I call bullshit. You’re not a man that owns up, you’re just fucking with me.”

"No," Walt nodded his head, "I’m being honest. A bit of honesty is good for a change isn’t it?"

"Okay, so what," Jesse bit into a slim jim, tearing off a piece of it with his teeth.

"It’s natural. It’s a natural thing. It was just our bodies…reacting…to certain…what is it? Favorable…stimuli…”

"What are you even talking about? Just say it Mr. White, we got boners, dude.Boners."

Waving for Jesse to go silent, Walt turned a fierce red before swiftly turning his back towards him. “No. That was certainly not the case, we didn’t get far enough. Nowhere near the edge of that cliff. No.”

"Right riiight. I’m pretty sure I felt something hard against me but whatever Mr. White.”

"You know that’s besides the point, I came here on friendly terms."

"You aren’t sounding so friendly."

"I’m not just going to abandon you because of this, no doubt, too many people have abandoned you already. What I’m saying is I’m still here," Walt gestured with open palms, attempting to smile reassuringly but the reassurance wasn’t too convincing.

Still his words were believable enough to Jesse who let out a sigh, crossing his arms over his knees that were pulled up to his chest as he leaned his head against the wall. “Yeah. Well thank you for your pity. If that’s all you gotta say, we don’t have to hang out.” He ate the rest of his slim jim, while he got up off the ground and motioned Walt to leave.

"C’mon," Walt narrowed his eyes. "I can still help you with your classes, you can still spend nights…"

"Now you’re sounding like the lonely one," Jesse snickered sarcastically, his face getting closer to Walt’s before moving towards the door and turning the knob. The message was read loud and clear but just as he was about to open the door all the way, Walt slammed it back shut, his eyes locked steady into Jesse’s.

 “I’m not going anywhere.”

 “You want to kiss me don’t you,” the younger man raised his head daringly, his mouth forming the prettiest little pink  pout, Walt’s eyes were drawn to it immediately. “Do you think I don’t feel weird about this either? And if you don’t want to let me--”

 “Let you what?”

 “I’ve never been with a guy, okay.”

 Walt felt a jolt in his chest as soon as Jesse said this. His mind went elsewhere...Jesse hadn’t? So...he was the first, Jesse was his. The thought of it was arousing, the idea of how far they could go, the places he could take him.

 “It’s confusing, but it’s right isn’t it? It feels right,” continued Jesse, his eyes more striking than ever.

 “It’s not as simple as what feels right and what doesn’t. At any moment, I could reconcile with my wife. We’ve had some talks lately, this is why I’m so...uncertain. She’s letting me see my children now and there’s a possibility she could just let me in...she could forgive me.”

 “Yo, I like...get it," any confidence left in him had been stricken down, he couldn't fight with that. He couldn't begin to imagine fighting that and expecting to win, for whatever reason having what remnants remained of Walt felt good enough.

 “I can’t do this. I can’t do anything this serious, Jesse.”

 “It doesn’t have to be like...serious or anything,” Jesse nervously rubbed his elbow, “I’ve done that friends with benefits thing tons of times, it’s always worked out.”

 “Friends without the benefits will do just fine with me.”

 “Okay, I’ll chill about it. I’m not desperately in love but like...if you think I’d get in the way of you and your family thing, or freak out or fuck it up, I won’t. I promise.”

 A few moments went by as Walt entertained the idea, staring straight into Jesse’s soul searching eyes. No doubt it was tempting and Jesse just stood there like a golden goblet ready to be taken but it only made sense that beautiful things often triggered traps whether they were aware of it or not.

 “I brought a movie, Jesse, one we can watch together, does that sound fine to you,” smiled Walt. “You got a tv?”

 “Yeah,” Jesse nodded, messing with his hair nervously as he leaned against the door watching Walt walk back to the middle of the living room.

 “So where is it,” he asked, noticing what a tomb of a place it was, his voice practically echoing.

 “It’s right there,” Jesse pointed at the object resting against the wall, “It’s still in the box.”

\----------------------------------

If he could only go back to the beginning, start fresh that way. Coiling his arms around his neck Jesse pulled Walt even closer, his mouth firmly pressing against his in an open kiss one that was deep, passionate. A kiss that said that from that point in there was no way in hell he’d let him down, this was it, no more bad endings.

No more bad endings.

When Walt slept next to him, Jesse got off the bed shrouded in darkness, on his knees, his palms sliding back and forth searching for the baggie.

Nothing.

What the hell, he mouthed to himself, his breath long gone as his heart beat thumped hard in his chest.  He moved the nightstand enough to look underneath, even behind the bed frame. Still nothing.

Walt turned over, letting out a disgruntled groan in his sleep.

Jesse’s head reappeared from the side of the bed, seeing if he had awaken but he hadn’t.  It was at that second Jesse could feel his food coming up, his stomach bubbling, the taste of acid rising in his esophagus. After putting everything in it’s rightful place, Jesse found himself in the bathroom.  

Tears were streaming down his face as the deafening pressure on his temples made it difficult for his eyes to stop. He couldn’t stop gagging, his hands were balled into fists while he looked down the toilet, his dinner floating in the water. The towel that he grabbed was rough against his face, but he still used it to wipe his mouth and tears.  In a fit of overwhelming anxiety he balled it up and threw it, then punched one of the cabinets doing more damage on his fist than the wood. There was a shriek somewhere in his lungs, it longed so badly to come out but he just covered his face, muffling all the involuntary noises.

Just a moment ago, he was so certain, so certain he wouldn’t fuck up.

But he remembered a thought he often repeated to himself back in rehab.

It takes a miracle for a fuck up not to fuck up.

\---------

The morning after Walt took careful precision in cutting the crusts off of his peanut butter sandwich, birds chirping in the distance. He still felt rather pleasant given the circumstances with Hank, not even little things could he enjoy. Family was family, maybe he was too rough, maybe he shouldn’t have said anything at all.

The sheer irony was like a bone being shaken in front of him, an opportunity to win the argument hook, line and sinker and Walt was foolish enough to take it and seize it.

“What’s up,” Jesse appeared from the hallway still in his oversized clothes that he had worn to sleep the night before. There was something strange about him, the bags in his eyes more prevalent as he walked towards him slowly, almost guiltily. Walt studied his appearance but decided to not pry any further, he shrugged.

“Nothing, making lunch.”

“Don’t you like eat out sometimes? Pick up a couple of tacos or something?”

“Is that your subtle way of saying you want tacos?” half smiled Walt, but Jesse didn’t seem to have noticed.

“Me? Naw. My stomach is real upset lately.”

“Yeah? “the older man licked the spoon then tossed it into the sink, “Stomach flu or?”

“How are you,” Jesse crossed his arms his eyes intensely searching for Walt’s.

“I’m alright,” Walt cocked an eyebrow, “Are we making pleasant small talk or something?”

“I was just asking is all. I had like—a nightmare last night. Real fucking nightmare.”

Walt placed his hand on the small of Jesse’s tense neck, squeezing it before rubbing his shoulder as he held his mug of coffee, taking a drink out of it. “Did I die a terrible death?” he laughed.

“Don’t even kid, man. No. Just like…we broke up…you hated me. You don’t…like—“

“Hate you?” Walt cut in then smiled foolishly, “Nonsense.”

So Walt didn’t find the meth.

“Why are you so uncertain of yourself lately? Dreams really are just the subconscious running wild. It could mean anything, it’s absolutely not some event set in stone.”

For the moment Jesse decided he didn’t need to worry so much, the weight had been lifted off his shoulders somewhat. Although the mystery still lingered. He closed the space between them suddenly, nearly making Walt spill his coffee.

“Jesse,” Walt exclaimed, looking down at the floor where a few spare drops had fallen. Placing the mug aside, he hugged Jesse back a little confused at how the last couple of events transpired. “You okay there?”

“I’m fine,” Jesse nestled against Walt’s collar all his senses reacting at once, deeply inhaling how clean he smelled, aftershave, detergent, starch, the smell of coffee on his breath. “I appreciate…all that shit you do for me, all the shit you put up with. I’m like a handful. I’m a motherload of bullshit.” Shutting his eyes, Jesse lifted his head enough so that he could feel Walt’s breath on his lips, he rubbed his nose against his, his lips longing for contact.  

Walt seemed to be intoxicated by him, watching him with glazed over eyes, nearly salivating. “It’s fucking worth it,” he grunted.

“We didn’t last night,” Jesse slowly opened his eyes, hungrily they were drawn Walt’s mouth. He couldn’t resist kissing the corner of it  softly, awaiting for his partner to react, which Walter did eventually.

“You never give me much time to recover,” Walt placed his hands on Jesse’s shoulders, as the younger man’s palms rested on his chest, trying the grasp at the nearly ungraspable button up shirt. Crookedly Walter smiled before kissing Jesse again, slowly, feeling like teenagers sneaking around under the bleachers. “I have places to be, in fact you do too.”

“I don’t care,” stated Jesse, appearing to be serious, licking his lips then pleading Walt with his gaze.  

“You’re being difficult,” snickered Walt, feeling uncomfortable with whether or not this was banter, or something really was wrong.  

“I like being difficult,” there was a painful tinge in Jesse’s voice, that sent a tug straight to Walt’s once stony heart.

“Look. I’m sure we can compromise,” Walt was plagued by this unbearable need to make all of Jesse’s demons go away, whether he knew what they were or not.  He felt an overwhelming responsibility, one that wore on him. They needed clear and defined communication, although it just wasn’t there. This very fact also made him aware of just how afraid he was of getting around to whatever it was.

Guiding Jesse to the couch he sat him down, the younger man watching him as he got on his knees. Old habits die hard and as far as Walt was concerned he felt like he was on his last legs, panicked and desperate to make all the uncertainties disappear just for his ease of mind.

Like unwrapping a Christmas present Walt immediately got to business, tugging at Jesse’s shorts. Surprisingly he was met with some resistance, Jesse licking his lips, not ready to raise his hips off the cushion to let him remove the clothing. Confused, Walt lifted his eyes to Jesse’s.  Underneath Walt’s hands, Jesse’s thighs began to shake all of a sudden.

“I—I ah—uh,” Jesse’s lower lip trembled, then he turned his head the other way lifting it so tears wouldn’t pour out. He didn’t expect it to feel wrong, he didn’t know what to do when the roles were suddenly reversed. Why on earth was Walt on his knees when Jesse felt he should have been the one groveling? He felt wretched, small and pitiful watching Walt with such an eager look on his face, knowing nothing of his transgressions. “Get up. I just don’t like you on your knees…like—you’ll get your stupid pants dirty or something,” spat out Jesse.

“Yes. No. Yes. No. Christ what is it now, Jesse,” snapped Walt. “What is wrong with you? What is going on in your head?”

“You’re angry with me now,” the younger man wiped the tears from his eyes, sniveling loudly from Walt escalating their conversation. “I’m sorry. Really!”

“No. I’m frustrated because there’s clearly something wrong. There has been this entire time, I was just stupidly playing along…not pushing you too much because I feel like we’re walking on the edge of some huge skyscraper. You can’t even begin to grasp how much I’ve done for you, how you leave me there just hanging.”

“You think I don’t know all the shit I’ve put you through?”

Sitting back onto the carpet, Walt sighed, putting his palms over his eyes, grinding his teeth. “It’s me isn’t it? You’re unhappy with me.”

“I’ve said no plenty of times already, okay. I’m just bad vibes today, man. There’s no deep rooted thing that’s got me like this. I’m just messed up, I can’t ever completely be happy but…” There went Jesse’s chance to say the truth, he felt ashamed to just push it aside like it was nothing, like he had nothing to hide. It could only go two ways, Walt would stay with him, but keep his eyes on him like a hawk, or he would flat out leave him behind. Jesse wanted neither of these options, he wanted the perfect storybook romance where ignorance was bliss.

“I’ve seen you just getting worse, looking sicker,” Walt’s eyes dropped to Jesse’s feet as he stood up, rubbing his head.

“Is this the drugs talk again?”

“Is it? Is it?” growled Walt, “Maybe if you gave me something to work with?So of course I’m always going to think it’s drugs. I feel like you’ll fall back on it at any second, the idea of it is heartbreaking but what else have I got to assume? You’re emotionally distant and we can’t even have sex like a normal couple...without you crying in the middle of it or you telling me to stop. Do you expect me not to see those signs, not to be concerned?”

“You’re way harsh,” grumbled the younger man, adjusting his shorts as his eyes darted back and forth. “You sound like you want me to fail just so you could say I told you so.”

“Look. That’s not how it works Jesse.”

“What I think is that you’re always obsessed with being right,” Jesse raised his eye to meet Walt’s, his blues bright and defiant.

“Nonsense, you believe I’m that fucked up? T-that I’m some tragic man wishing for your demise just for my gain?”

“Me falling down makes you feel important…needed or something. The thing is, you need to feel needed because your family is doing just fine without you.” It was that moment that Jesse realized he pushed it too far, his self-defense mechanism never failed to fuck up what good was left, but honestly he was just saying what he had been thinking for a long time.  He couldn’t bring himself to look at Walt any longer.

Walt’s shoulders had fallen and his face went through a series of changes, one was stunned, the next pitiful as his shoulders and mouth dropped, then the next was a burning anger that stemmed from the pit of his stomach.  “Well look at you, a 24 year old at his prime. You’re one to judge, with your never-ending list of fuck-ups. I don’t think most people have drug dealing meth-head junkie on their lists, you’re just going to fall back without me.”

Immediately Jesse cowered down, his head slumped low as Walt stood above him with a smug grin that dissipated just as fast as it appeared on his face.

“Mr. White,” he heard Jesse’s low voice come from him, weak and in pain.

The guilt weighed upon Walt quickly, “Just go to class today,” his voice grew softer. “I know you’ve been skipping days.”

The front door slammed shut, causing Jesse to jump. There was no other way to stop himself from shaking as the tears streamed out his eyes in a steady flow.

Is that all Walt thought of him?

Was he just some sad little thing living through the motions, repeating the same cycles, something to be pitied? No doubt he agreed with Walter now that he was out of the room but accepting the truth didn’t even begin to dull the pain.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah I took a long time didn't I? Well for the record I reworked this chapter over and over again just to make sure it felt right. It feels right now, though, I'm pretty satisfied. Things are reaching a boiling point, I'm apologizing in advance for any heartache. Enjoy!

The days after the fight, Jesse felt like a complete and total alien in his own home.

Home.

That’s what it is right? Walter’s cozy little dungeon was now Jesse’s home but it’s heart had been banished elsewhere. It felt cold.

Some things felt strange, the silences the two of them used to share now felt thick with unsaid words. Walt would eat his food, force a small timid smile then hide behind that steno pad full of notes, full of numbers, a life Jesse used to share with him. There was an ocean now, Walt was isolated on some island, just a blip from Jesse’s point of view.  

Still they shared the same bed, and if it hadn’t been for Walt’s sense of territory, he probably would have settled for the couch. The bed was his as far he was concerned,and he would sleep there as he pleased. This was normal behavior but it was somewhat comforting for Jesse, he would settle for anything as long as he didn’t have to be alone. He sat up in the bed watching Walt as he slept, the tip of his cigarette the only real source of light in the room.  The bright orange at the tip lit up then faded, he blew out smoke in Walt’s direction hoping he’d shift in his sleep, that maybe he’d piss and moan about the smell, but still nothing.  

It was like being in limbo, Jesse was waiting for anything to happen, anything good, anything bad...as long as he could stop being uncertain of the outcome.  He needed answers and for everything to be resolved, hopefully for the best but he wasn’t about to confess.

He was no where near that option, no way, not even close.

It’d be a lie if Jesse had said he hadn’t considered it though.  With each day the distance grew further, and had it been any other time he would have been pressed up against Walt, fitting in cozily into his form, holding him close.

His hand held onto the top of the sheet that was pulled over him, he found his thumb rubbing up and down a loose thread.  Taking notice of it, he wondered whether he should rip it off or leave it as is.  He chose to pretend it wasn’t there because he knew better that if he pulled at it, it’d unravel. Again he blew out smoke, staring at the door that was slightly ajar, casting a sliver of light on the carpet from the hall. The lids of his eyes grew heavier and heavier with each blink, after letting out a sigh he put out his cigarette in an empty bottle he had nearby then sunk into the bed.  

Like it was second nature, he rubbed his hand up and down Walt’s forearm, leaning down into his neck, kissing right behind his ear. “You asleep baby,” Jesse muttered, Walt just smiled, his eyes still closed as he shifted his position.  

“I was,” he croaked.

“I’m going to bed. I love you.”

As if reality dawned on him once he was fully conscious, Walter breathed out a soft okay.

Not the response Jesse would have liked, that night he slept just as uneasily as he had before. In a state of unrest Jesse dreamt of when Walt’s eyes would look straight into his, like they were staring straight into the abyss with an uncertainty that stemmed from the pit of both of their stomachs. Nothing ever felt like enough, no matter how many times that they’d seek comfort in each other’s company, there was this monster growing, this dependence. Mr. White was certainly out of his element, fear sometimes in his eyes when they’d finish whatever sex act they had partaken in, his mouth so close to saying words he wasn’t prepared to say...

...words that Jesse was too eager to let out, maybe before he knew whether he meant them or not.

Like some kid pretending to be an adult, Jesse had rushed into things. Walter started off as a distraction, something he could reach out to and to hold. Something positive.

Not in a million years could Jesse imagine himself thinking of that but then again he could never have predicted cooking meth with the man much less jerking him off in the back of that shitty Aztek. But with as far as they got, the love grew. With Jane’s ghost still at his heels, Jesse’s love for Walt bloomed from her grave.

What a stupid, sad thought. It was horribly morbid but nonetheless it was the truth.

The idea that Walt must assume Jesse had been lying all this time hurt more than anything else, it was so difficult to stomach. It was what kept him in between here and there, his mind never completely letting go of the shame of how it could just easily go away and it was very much his own doing.  

The sun from the morning probably would have woken up the young man first if it hadn’t been for the sound of Walter opening and closing drawers. At the foot of the bed Jesse felt something fall onto his feet, he nearly jumped up frightened at the imagined scenario that Walt had found the teenth before he had.  Instead he saw his partner rummaging around clothes, still in his underwear.

It was a sight for sore eyes in comparison to whatever nightmare Jesse had just been saying. Stretching and letting out a loud yawn just to send the message across he was awake, Jesse snuck a peek at a frazzled looking Walter.

“Hey sweetness,” Jesse cooed, it wasn’t met with much of a reaction but not for the obvious reasons, he was clearly distracted with the task at hand.

“Hey yourself,” he mumbled under his breath, finally deciding on three shirts, none of which Jesse particularly cared for. “So what will it be? Blue, green or beige,” Walt motioned his hands over the wardrobe like a model on the price is right, it probably should have been funny except the joke didn’t exactly make the bulb light up above Jesse’s head.

“Easy, blue.”

Looking at the shirt, Walt nodded in agreement with Jesse’s choice then began to put it on.  

“I always like it when you wear blue, it reflects off your green eyes and it looks like...real cool or whatever. I just uh-- like it.”

“You may like what you see but I certainly don’t.”

“What? So I can’t like have an opinion? I think they’re straight up dreamy, man.”

“Bullshit.”

Jesse couldn’t be any happier than when he saw the corner of Walt’s lip turn upwards into what some would interpret as a smirk. Honestly it was a relief, it gave Jesse enough energy to sit up off the bed.  

“Where are you headed anyway?” questioned the younger man with a sweet look on his weary little face, Walt felt his heart warm up a bit just really staring at him for the first time in a while. Now he was messing with his hair, the cowlick standing up unbeknownst to him, Walt started to feel a little foolish at being upset in the first place. Whatever happened to his mantra of living like each day could be his last?

...especially when he had someone that attractive sleeping in his bed. It didn’t seem to matter whether or not the days were numbered between them, it was what it was.

Walt dropped his head, the smile now consuming his face, although melancholy lurked from behind his eyes.

“It’s Junior’s birthday. You’re invited.”

“What? Why didn’t you say? Invited? You’re shitting me?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure if you’d want anything to do with it. It’s completely understandable if you wouldn’t care to go. I could see how it would be...unpleasant…”

“You think I’m chicken shit or something?”

“No far from it, I just don’t want to force you into this environment especially if you don’t want to be a part of it.”

“I can handle Hank and c’mon let me make my own choices for once. You don’t gotta think for me anymore. I do want to be a part of your life.”

“Marie specifically said she wanted you around. She probably wants to extort something scandalous out of you.”

“Should I give her something good then?”

“Whatever, I don’t even care,” Walt buttoned his final button, then began to step into a pair of dockers as Jesse sauntered closer, his hands behind his back, a wicked grin on his lips.  

“Should I tell her you like to dress like a baby and I bottle feed you in bed? How you’ve been such a naughty boy?”

“If you do that, the first thing I’ll do is throw that tv out the window.”

“No. You wouldn’t,” Jesse moaned, pulling his own baggy his shirt off. He cautiously smelled his armpits, and recoiled back, cringing from his odor.

“You. Shower. Now,” Walt said pointedly.

"Jeez, okay Dad. As if I wasn't going to shower anyway and why do you gotta do that,” whined Jesse, his eyes glazed over with affection.  

“What? Put on my shirt first then my pants? It’s a routine, it makes it much easier to tuck in the shirt, less wrinkles...it’s my preferred method of--”

“No I mean. Changing in front of me. You could have done that anywhere else,” there was that look, the one that made Walter’s knees shake of their own accord.  

Walt felt his cheeks get flushed despite trying to compose himself, trying to fall back on rational thought...not animalistic needs..needs that would probably make him late to his own son’s surprise party.

“What I think...is that you’re being a tease on purpose,” Jesse stood on his toes, then landed back down on his heels with a flirtatious look on his face, his palms smoothing out the wrinkles on Walter’s shoulders, then they moved onto his chest where his rapid heartbeat thumped underneath Jesse’s hands. “You’re just trying to make me suffer and I do deserve it, you know,” smiled the younger man as he carefully zipped up Walter’s pants, taking precaution that the zipper didn’t catch his shirt.  “It’s okay though.. Anyways I saw you’re wearing the underwear I got you.”

“I like it. It really is comfortable,” Walt gasped out, almost like some sort of apology.

Immediately Jesse got the picture and let out a small...almost sweet sounding sigh of relief, his blue eyes round and needy. “So you got something planned? I can see it on your face that you do. Is Junior turning seventeen or--”

“Sixteen. He’s sixteen today,” Walt quickly corrected him, watching Jesse reach over for a belt and putting it through the loops on his dockers.  

“Sixteen huh? I lost my virginity at--,” Jesse quickly held his lips together, “Not that I’m saying--”

“I don’t even want to consider going there.”

“Makes sense that you wouldn’t, yo. You’ve got a good kid. I wasn’t so good.”

“Shut up,” the older man lowered his head, “You didn’t make the best choices but honestly what could you do with that environment?”

“Don’t act like I didn’t have a choice. Plenty of kids had shit parents, they didn’t all suddenly become meth dealers. The point is, I went for the easier option.”

“Well it wasn’t so bad huh,” Walt searched for Jesse’s eyes but Jesse was too busy trying to get the belt through the loop in the back, his arms around Walt’s waist. “If it hadn’t been for--well...we wouldn’t have--”

“I know. I know. I wish things were more black and white though. There you go,” finally Jesse buckled Walt’s belt, then took a moment to marvel over the fact that he wasn’t doing the opposite.

Wow

Self control, it’s a thing he’s actually capable of.

“I don’t regret a single thing,” Walt sighed out, followed by a silence, a warm feeling enveloping the both of them. Should they even hug? Neither of them did though, they just stayed at least an inch apart from one another, the silence now growing deafening. “Christ. I’m not that thin,” Walt chuckled in the hopes of lightening the mood. He loosened the belt, giving his stomach some room to breathe. “Did you forget I have a gut?”

“Is that what you call it,” placing his hand on Walt’s stomach Jesse pat it fondly, “It’s not even that bad. It’s a love pouch.”

“I’m not some marsupial,” Walt smiled, his much bigger hand now over Jesse’s, bringing it to his lips and kissing it before letting it go. “Today is so important to me, you know--for obvious reasons. But I can’t stop thinking about this one moment before Junior was even born. I remember--must have been the last trimester. Skyler was real big..practically about ready to pop. I mean we had no idea...no idea about the hurdles we’d have to go through, I was real naive, real excited...mostly frightened, but I was buying blue, blue everything. Skyler got this one...what was it...I’m sure it was a onesie and I said it was green and we had a bit of a fight because she was adamant that it was turquoise. It didn’t matter in the long haul but it was like we were seeing two different things. It’s always been that way. I was obsessed with always being right and she upset with me, rightly so. People have fights over the most absurd, mundane...trivial things, you know, and it’s easy to get tunnel vision, to really appreciate what they really have...what they’re experiencing first-hand. Love has got to be one of the greatest things out there, and I’m more than aware that we’re both cynics in our own respective ways but we can’t deny it. It’s there and if it suddenly dissipates, I’m fine, I believe I’ll be okay, I’ll survive...just as long as I can have this..remember this just as much as I remember back then. ”

“Mr. White, I’m not leaving you,” Jesse said point blank, taking notice of the solemn look in his partner’s eyes. “Like--no way in hell, man.”

“Oh no...of course not, I wasn’t saying that.”

“Well shit you were talking like you were a dead man. If anything I’m the dead man walking.”

“I’m feeling great today. Better than I have for a while.”

“So you do have a surprise then? Is this one that’ll make everyone shit bricks then? C’mon,” whined Jesse, adorably biting on his fingernail.  

“You’ll see,” Walt lowered his gaze, the corner of his lip fighting the urge to curl upwards, “It’s a doozy.”

\-------------

The radio played some top 10 billboard song in the background, it was the kind of song that should be played loudly in some teenager’s new car but instead it was coming out of the handheld radio Skyler would sometimes use.  She leaned against the counter staring down at her son’s cake, the cake she had taken time to make even though honestly the kid probably didn’t deserve it.

Now Skyler felt guilty for thinking such a thought, she sighed loudly and brushed her blonde locks off of her face. Things were difficult, she didn’t hate the kid, hell--it was hard to. She loved the hell out of him but the air would feel stifling and thick whenever he was in the room. He barely spoke and when he did it was some veiled insult or a grunt.  God knows what happened, he had been getting better but suddenly something made him retreat back into his shell. It had to be lonely living that way. Hopefully he'd at least vent his feelings out to Louis but something told her he probably wasn't, the last thing teenage boys would do would be to hash out their feelings.  

Her finger lingered dangerously close to the frosting of the cake, instead of fretting any longer she swiped her finger across the the corner getting a heaping of buttermilk vanilla frosting. Immediately she put it in her mouth, her eyes shutting closed at the sudden rush she felt from savoring the sweetness with her tastebuds. It was absolutely mind-blowing and delicious, she hadn’t even had her breakfast yet, and somehow she felt like she deserved this moment, and it was a moment she’d happily keep to herself.  

Maybe she had been indulging herself a little too much lately, she couldn’t help it.

“Birthday cake coming through. Birthday cake for our favorite birthday boy,” shouted Marie as she practically kicked the front door open.

“Shit Marie,” Skyler cursed, wiping hands off with the towel, “Could you be any louder.”

“Can you blame me? I’m excited. You know me well enough, I just love parties. I love them love them love them!”

“Do you? I couldn’t tell.”

“Who the hell christened you Queen Grump?”

“I made a cake already, Marie.”

“It’s two cakes then, no big deal. Nothing wrong with having two cakes.”

“I know I know. Did you bring the paper plates and cups?”

“Hank’s bringing them, now that I think about it he’s being a bit of a grump too. Is there a bug going around or something?”

“Sorry we can’t all be chipper like you,” Skyler returned to the counter and used the butter knife to cover the bit of frosting she had eaten. Good as new. “There’s still time for us to rethink this idea, you still certain about making this a surprise party?”

“Yeah yeah. What teenager doesn’t like a good old fashioned surprise party?”

 

“I don’t think you know very much about teenagers,” sometimes Skyler’s mouth had a way with speaking ahead of her brain, she instantly raised her head waiting for her sister’s hurt response but instead she got the opposite reaction.

 

“That’s silly, I was a teenager once,” said the brunette confidently while Skyler watched her with a skeptical look on her face. “I would have been thrilled had anyone thrown me a surprise party.”

 

“You say that like you’re still angry. That was decades ago.”

 

“Certainly not. I just wasn’t pleased with mom or dad...about…”

 

“They were cutting back. C’mon I had to get that job and everything.”

 

“You got the surprise party, not me. You don’t think that was something directed at me?”

 

“That was the year you made mom and dad buy up all your chocolate just so you could win first prize for that stupid fundraiser. It wasn’t even for a charity or something important...it was for our school dance Marie. A stupid school dance..”

 

“It was a members only jacket okay, you wouldn’t understand, Mrs. bohemian. Brown this brown that. Tassel this tassel that.”

 

“We aren’t even going into that,” Skyler bit her tongue and put her hands in the air, “Whatever. So this explains all the times we threw surprise parties for Walter?”

 

“I like throwing them alright? He’s got Jesse now, so Jesse will be throwing them for him, then...” Marie’s voice now sounded strained.

 

“Okay,” Skyler’s jaw nearly dropped, “I really doubt it, he doesn’t seem like the planning type.”

 

“You think?”

 

The phone began to ring and Skyler raised her finger calmly, “Yeah. Just hold that thought okay? Hello?” Her face went pale once she realized who was on the other side of the line and she looked upset, blood started flooding her cheeks, “I told you not to call, not here, not at my house, jesus,” she hissed.

 

As if she could sniff out the drama, Marie’s ears perked up, she looked over to her sister who was trying to say something under her breath.  She couldn’t quite hear it but she could already assume who she was speaking to.  Her eyes brightened but she quickly looked the other way once Skyler noticed her eavesdropping..

 

“It’s my son’s birthday alright, you have to understand that I have to go. Okay. Okay. Bye,” Skyler’s shoulders dropped when she let out a long sigh, placing her hand on her forehead.

 

“Ted,” Marie said in a whisper, looking concerned but also goading for more.

 

“Ted? Ted. Oh...oh yeah. I can’t get rid of him. Is that cruel?”

 

“He’s too nice for his own good but--”

 

“I know what you’re going to say and it’s still a no. He’s not all perfect anyway, if that’s what you think,” she lowered her gaze and looked at her hands.

 

“Maybe he could get through to Junior? Maybe Junior needs a father figure who isn’t off having sex with some young sweet thing,” smiled Marie, “I’d be upset too.”

 

“No. No. I’m sure Hank said something, probably something neither of us knows,” breathed out Skyler, leaning forward against the counter, a far off look in her eyes. “I don’t even want to know. But I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t curious.”

 

“Well I’m sure he meant well.”

 

“Of course he did,” muttered the blonde sarcastically, it was especially painful for Marie to hear, her own heart sinking in from the secondhand guilt.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, I know you are,” they smiled at one another briefly before Skyler rested her hands on her hips. “Well I think it’s about time we put up the banner. So who is climbing the ladder? You or me?”

 

“I’m wearing heels today.”

 

“You can take them off.”

 

“And get my feet filthy? Certainly not,” Marie crossed her arms.

 

\-------------------------------

 

Jesse found himself a bit confused when Walt had insisted that he drive on his own to the party.  Honestly he felt a little hurt, his own abandonment issues resurfacing yet again.  It was childish, and it wasn't like anyone was about to kill him at that party if he showed up without Mr. White. Jesse had faced scarier things, he had a gun pointed at his head several times, nothing was worse than that.  Parking his car right in front of the house he got outside, surprised to see two vehicles that he didn't recognize.

Maybe they were Hank and Marie's but they didn’t seem like the type who would arrive separately, he swore Walt had said it was going to be a small get together. Then Jesse took notice that neither of the vehicles had their permanent license plates on them, they must have been new. Out of the red dodge charger Jesse saw his partner triumphantly emerge, a huge smile on his face. He motioned over it proudly.

"Well Junior still hasn't seen it," he said to Jesse happily.  

"Why are there two new cars though...that's a little over the top Mr. White. I don't think Skyler would go for that."

"You think? What if I said the other one was her's?"

“I-I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You don’t know what?”

"I'd say she'd still be pretty fucking upset. What are you thinking?" Jesse hissed, putting his hands on Walt's shoulders. "This doesn't go with your story at all."

"Come on," groaned Walt, rolling his eyes. "This'll go down great. Everyone will be ecstatic. Anyways I took out a lease for the both of them, everything will be fine. Stop shitting all over my idea, if I wanted that I would have stayed with Skyler.”

 

“Christ. She’s the one that left you,” Jesse grumbled, tucking his hands into his pockets, “This is a real shit idea. I thought you would have done something better like get him some video games. He loves that shit. And you know what’s messed about this? I get why you’re doing this, I know you so fucking well man...its ridiculous.”

 

“You don’t know me,” Walt’s nostrils flared like a petulant child not getting his way.

 

“Yeah I do. I know what you’re doing and you can’t just buy someone’s love back. Things aren’t going to suddenly be alright. You have to get the balls to just talk to your son, not offering him some half-assed joke just to test the waters. You need to actually ask him what is wrong.”

 

“Oh what? And where is this advice coming from? Is this coming from your own age-old parenting experience?”

 

“Don’t get all up the ass, old man. We both know I hit a nerve.”

 

“I’m doing this,” Walter sneered in absolute discontent.

 

“Fine. Should have I even bothered coming?”

 

“...yes,” it appeared Walt had calmed down when he realized he had gotten his way, “Give me the chance to show you off. They’re got their cars and I’ve got you.”

 

“Mr. White, I am not a car,” Jesse responded flatly with a furrowed brow.

When they were greeted inside by Marie they saw the image of Skyler downing a glass of wine, wiping the red streak it left off her mouth, and Hank outside cooking something on the BBQ with several empty bottles of beer at his feet. Jesse smiled at a overly enthusiastic Marie, who awkwardly placed her hand on his shoulder, holding it there for maybe too long as she soaked him up like a sponge with her eyes.

“Wow you are so handsome,” she grinned wildly.

“Marie,” Walt barked under his breath, his look immediately forcing her to give them breathing room, she had been practically leering. “It’s nice seeing you. It’s been a while.”

“It has isn’t it. You’re looking great, there’s a youthful glow to you.”

The Walt Jesse knew would have muttered bullshit instantly but instead he had the strangest cheshire grin, it mortified Jesse to see this side of him.

“Well thank you, I’ve been changing my diet and exercising a little,” Walt replied, adjusting his stiff starchy shirt.

Jesse scoffed, he hadn’t seen Walt walk around the block for a while, he was always the sort of man who fought for the closest parking space to the door. There was a point early in their relationship where Mr. White had embraced the whole staying active thing, he even bought exercise clothes, but two sweat soaked runs was enough to discourage him.

“Yeah you have lost some weight not that you ever needed to,” she giggled, Jesse forcing his mouth into an awkward timid smile as well.  “So you two just make yourselves comfortable. Hank is grilling the fajitas on the grill with a Schrader twist, they smell absolutely delicious. I hope you two have appetites.”

“I know I do, this guy didn’t make me eggs like he usually does,” grumbled Jesse, getting the beer Skyler courteously handed to him. “He was too nervous I think, his kid is turning 16, man I’d be nervous too.”

“Stop talking about me like I’m not in the room and can you really blame me? I’m excited, my son’s going to be a man any second now,” Walt gripped looking over the plate of appetizers that was in the middle of the kitchen table that used to be his.

“Graduating high school, going to college, shit,” Skyler leaned back onto the counter as if thought hadn’t hit her. Sure it had but there never had been so much weight in it until then.

“Don’t get so sentimental,” snickered Marie, “The bird’s got to leave the nest eventually, you two should get prepared ahead of time. You should try this cheese...it’s so delicious.”

“You can’t just drop a bomb like that and then talk about cheese,” Jesse added in, then took a piece sticking it straight into his mouth, “Woah, that is good.”

As Jesse and Marie went straight into small talk about cheese, one that was met with more enthusiasm on Marie’s side, Walt paced back and forth, lifting his arm to look at the watch on his wrist.

“When is he coming,” said Walter, the anticipation of the surprise eating away at him. Skyler looked at him strangely, taking immediate notice that he looked more excited than usual, wiping his sweaty hands off on his khakis.  

“You okay there?”

“Me huh,” he responded, a nervous look on his face, “I’m fine.” He wiped his brow, faking a smile.

“The kid here yet,” Hank emerged, with a greasy grill spatula in his hand.  Immediately his eyes met with Jesse’s, he swallowed, before his mouth fell down, “You uh-- you invited him? Who invited h--” He stopped himself from going further, Jesse scanned the room for everyone’s reaction, it appeared everyone knew of his invitation except for Hank.

“Hold up,” Marie raised both hands up with her eyes shut closed, searching for the right words somewhere in there. For some reason it seemed like a good idea at the time to invite Jesse but maybe she hadn’t thought it through properly.  “He’s family, Hank.”

“I’m sorry should I like...go?” Jesse’s heart had fallen somewhere in his stomach, he felt awful but what else should he expect?

“No, of course not,” Walt said sternly, his stone cold stare burning through Hank.  

Honestly Hank hadn’t intended to come across as a jerk, he was just a little startled, his blood running cold from that dream coming back to him. It was embarrassing and it hit him all at once, he swore he wasn’t some villain like everyone was making him out to be.

Suddenly the front door was opened, Junior with a dumbfounded expression spread across his face, “Mom what the hell? Dad?”

“Happy birthday, son,” beamed Walt, dropping the conversation immediately, approaching his son.

“There’s two new cars…are those,” Junior continued his thought, licking his lips in disbelief.

“Two new...what,” Skyler said underneath her breath, reaching over to Walt who turned around, he had the most heartbreakingly optimistic look in his eye. Already Jesse had seen where this scenario would take him, he warned him but it was especially painful to see how upset Skyler already was, her mouth tense, her blue eyes steely, holding back the words she would intend to say later behind the privacy of closed doors.

“Surprise Junior! I-I got you a car. It’s the one you w-wanted,” now Walt felt his voice trembling a bit, reading the look  on Junior’s face, it wasn’t what he had expected.

“W-what...oh...it’s alright I guess..,” Junior appeared to be disgusted and confused, pulling away from his father’s hand that barely grazed his forearm. “I just--I can’t deal with this. I just came by to get my stuff. I’m staying with Louis.”  

“Son, what is going on,” said Walter, Skyler getting closer to him, biding her time before she’d ask her own set of questions.

“Now you ask,” plead his son, “I’ll live, Dad. I...just...I gotta pack.”

This whole moment was jarring for Jesse, he felt a lot like he was having an out of body experience of sorts, just like he was being transported back to when he was a kid. Nothing could ever fill that gaping hole in his heart, no matter the concern his parents would offer him, it was never enough.  The only attention he’d get was when he was slamming the front door reeking of alcohol and meth, drunk from kisses girls had given him just moments before. Marks left on his neck from hickeys, visible tattoos, anything...anything just to get that same reaction, anything to convince himself that maybe they possibly cared, no matter how isolated he felt in the first place.  

When Jesse blinked again, he saw Walt Jr. had already left the room, Walter looked stunned and hurt and a range of other emotions Jesse couldn’t quite define, but they were hitting him all at once.

“I don’t think he hates you Walter,” Marie spoke awkwardly, barely able to finish her sentence.

Before Walt could react Skyler had already pulled him aside, hissing things at him that no one else could hear.

“What were you thinking,” Jesse was able to see her mouth to Walt.

Right? Just what was he thinking?

Walt just shook his head side to side, backing away from her. Judging from how tense everything suddenly was, Marie motioned for Hank to follow her, taking the plate of meat away from her husband.

“Yeah that still looks raw, how about we cook that for a while,” she tugged at Hank’s sleeve, the two of them making their exit outside. Hank’s face was full of guilt and disbelief.

“I did nothing wrong,” said Walt, “Jesse, we’re leaving.”

“What,” for some reason nothing had exactly clicked, Jesse still remained in the same position, his limbs not finding the motivation to move. “No man. I told you this would happen.”

“Did I just hear an I-told-you-so? That is the last thing I need to hear,” Walt covered his eyes.

“Look listen to me. You have to talk to him...not here...in his room. You just gotta ask him up front, tell him you care. And you do care right,” Jesse’s eyes searched for Walt’s, finally catching them after his greens darted about for a moment.

“Of course I do…” it almost looked as if Walter was about to cave in before his continued his sentence, “But I can’t talk to him. Not now. Not on his birthday. This is horrible timing.”

“Fine if you’re going to pussy out, I’m going to talk to him then,” Jesse huffed out, giving Walt one last judgemental look before going to Junior’s door, knocking on it softly before slowly turning the knob. There was Walter’s son, tall and lean stuffing his knapsack with clothes, his brown eyes deep with anger right as he saw Jesse. “Hey uh--man you uh-- wanna talk about this?”

“Did dad send you here?”

“No. He doesn’t order me to do shit, I came here on my own. I came here cause...I like--I get you, man.””

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Hey, kid, I’m not,” Jesse shut the door behind him, hearing the murmurs between Skyler and Walt get muffled. “Now tell me what the fuck is going on. Your dad went out on a limb you know...getting you that car. It was really important to him that he gives you what you want, okay. He really does care about you and I know you care about him so what’s going on with that I-don’t-give-a-flying-fuck attitude you have now?”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Serious about what...is this about Hank,” slowly approaching Junior, he tucked his hands into his grey cardigan pockets, a concerned look on his face. “Everything he said is probably true. I’ve got a shady past y’know. But all those ties I had...they’re severed, you don’t gotta tell him that though. I mean...I’m a changed man...my priorities have shifted and I’ve shed all that baggage.”

“You’re a liar, like the rest of them,” Junior raised his eyes to Jesse’s, a snarl appearing on his lips

“What? Like--not even,” Jesse mouth went dry.

Just where was this conversation headed?

“I’m not stupid. Say it, okay. I already know.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You had me fooled though. I thought you were real cool, playing video games and stuff, you giving me advice and all. I was just getting used to you and dad being a thing. Even when Uncle Hank told me everything...I needed to digest it...yeah...it was a lot but I thought..--hey Uncle Hank can go too far...with his theories. I thought...no way...you’ve changed. That’s what you keep on saying right?”

“I-I have,” placing a hand over his chest, Jesse gave Junior the most warm smile but it just wasn’t getting to him, his expression remained the same.

“You should have seen it a mile away. Meth doesn’t just go missing. Blue meth, Jesse. Blue meth...like the kind Uncle Hank talks about. The same kind of meth Heisenberg has been cooking, the same Heisenberg he said you were involved with! What kind of shit are you and dad into,” tears were starting to form in Junior’s eyes just as he saw Jesse’s reserve crashing down.

“W-what did you say,” Jesse’s lower lip trembled. “No--no--what are you? Not even--why would you even--think--”

“You think I don’t see...the way you all treat me? Like...I’m some stupid--some stupid kid. Walking on eggshells cause the kid is too stupid to catch on? I am angry, I don’t even--don’t even know how to act around you...I can’t even talk to mom...talk to anyone. This secret...is like so big...I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s not mine. It’s not Mr. White’s. It’s just--”

“It’s just? It’s just what, Jesse?”

“Okay. It is mine,” Jesse’s hands balled into fists, strength returning back to his voice, “And you’re not going to tell your dad a single thing.”


	12. to go forward, one must look back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting so close to the end, so why not see how this began? The flashback to end all flashbacks. Hope you dig. Sorry it's been so long since I've updated.

There was always something about Ted.

Walt could never put his finger quite on it. The guy was a nice enough guy, he was the courteous type and very polite, whenever there’d be an office party he’d be the one to hand Walt a drink. But those sneaky almond shaped eyes, the lack of backbone, put him off, he always did seem desperate. There was just something about him, the way there’d be this sparkle to his eyes whenever he’d see Skyler walk through the front door, dolled up or not, there was that same look.

Not wanting to read too much into things, Walt expected many men to be looking at his wife this way, hell, she was quite a catch.  And maybe Walt did start to take her for granted, but when Ted was around, Walt was reminded again. Skyler was beautiful, the most beautiful woman ever to grace him and being around her was great to say the least. They meshed so well and although she’d blueball him constantly, he was glad she was still there...even if she felt miles away on his worse days.

Dreaming though, dreaming was always a weakness, something Walt himself would fall for from time to time. The promise of them starting over again with a clean slate was something he’d long for, whatever feelings he had for Jesse would have to be locked in the closet, suppressed to never come out again.

“So how’s school,” Walt smiled at Junior who was leafing through his papers.

“It sucks,” Junior sighed out bluntly.

“Same old same old then.”

“You could say that again. Dad….” Junior’s voice changed, it was suddenly full of concern as he looked in the backseat. There was trash everywhere, empty beer bottles, fast food wrappers on the floor.  “How are you holding up?”

“I-I…” Walt stuttered as he turned the corner, seeing the house, his house, well it wasn’t his anymore. “I’m just fine.”

Biggest lie of the century, Junior could see straight through him.

“It’s better now that I got to see you,” smiled Walt, his eyes clearly saying the opposite.

“Yeah?”

“Of course,” there was some truth in that. The whole day the boy had been acting strange though, like he was holding back. They had shared a nice little dinner together at a diner, gone out for ice cream, had awkward conversations about how to approach a girl, but there was one thing that wasn’t discussed. This was the thing that ate away at Walt Jr. He felt he owed his father the truth.

“I want to tell you s-something.”

“Hmm,” Walt was unassuming, he expected Junior was going to confess to some adolescent wrongdoing, like stealing beer, smoking weed, something along those lines.

“Mom’s dating someone,” Junior lowered her head, “She thinks I don’t know.”

Walt’s heart stopped still. “What,” he was in denial that Skyler would move on so quickly, icy cold running through his veins. “No. She wouldn’t, we’re working through things. We’re communicating and you know that’s the first step. A vital step,” he said calmly.

“Stop lying to yourself, Dad. She’s been wearing perfume.”

Skyler appeared outside in a form fitting blue dress, a shawl over her shoulders, her cleavage ever present. God Walt missed those. There was a gracefulness in her walk, the woman really knew how to wear heels and carry it off in confidence.

“I think it’s Ted,” continued Junior, his eyes narrowed once he caught sight of his mother. “S-She’s such a…”

“Don’t,” Walt placed his hand on his son’s shoulder as he parked. “Ted?” he repeated as if the idea of it being him was so hard to believe. “Him? Really?”

“Yes really,” Junior got out of the car, “It’s gross. I saw him once p-parked outside. He had flowers.”

Skyler was throwing out the trash, but it was so hard for Walt not to be staring at her, searching through the details, hoping for something--anything to tell him what Junior said wasn’t true. But it was pretty much spelled out. She was melancholy looking, but happier, prettier than she was in the final days of their relationship.  It was like someone had been showering her with attention, the type of attention he would given her the first few dates when they’d go out and park the car under the stars, just talking, learning things about one another...mapping out their futures together.

A part of him wanted to talk to her, another part was so upset he could barely even get out of the car. Instead their eyes locked, she suddenly looked ashamed then looked away, the headlights of his car pointed at her.  He backed the car out of the driveway trying not to let the emotions take control of him, he bit his lip and sped off.

So this was their goodbye.

Walt was never good at goodbyes.

When he woke up the next day he saw a punched hole in the wall in his bedroom, a picture frame was barely hanging. His hand ached painfully, he had left blood all over his clean white sheets. Deciding the best decision was to pop some pills with a bottle of stale beer he had near by, he passed out quickly, the ceiling fading out until there was nothing but black.

Eventually Walt woke up again, something tugging at his feet. Was it a dog? Did he even have a dog? He couldn’t remember anymore. He lifted his head, groaning as he did so. At the foot of his bed was a very irritated looking young man. Was it Jesse? Whoever it was had hair that was pointed up in dirty blonde spikes. Well who the hell else was it? It had to be him.  

“Jesse…” Walt moaned, attempting to kick him off.

“Don’t fuck with me Mr. White. Let me get your god damned stupid shoes off,” he held onto Walt’s foot, his other hand pointing angrily at him. Walt cooled down and Jesse finally managed to untie one and pull it off, screaming in protest, “Oh shit they smell. Dude you smell so bad. Did you piss on yourself?”

“No,” barked Walt, then he realized he smelled urine in the room. He quickly covered his face in embarrassment, “Ohhh I don’t know. Just get out of here. What are you even…?”

“We were supposed to hang out today. You don’t remember? You called me last night.”

“No I didn’t,” Walt pushed himself up so he was leaning against the headboard. “I’m pretty sure I was out...I blacked out completely.”

“You saying I’m lying? You think I’m so stupid in love with you that I’m dreaming up stories so that we could hang out because you’re just so fun to be around? Bingo. Nailed me. You know me soooo well.”

“Well,  I don’t remember.”

“Yeah well it happened,” Jesse tossed the other shoe to the side and then sat on the foot of the bed. “I know a cry for help when I hear one and you sounded pretty bad. How are you doing?”

“People keep asking. Why? Who even cares?”

“Maybe because they...uhh...do care?”

“Look. You don’t have to stay.”

“You need a shower and you probably need some water. Maybe some good grub. R&R?”

“No. I’m fine.”

“You punched a hole in the wall.”

“I’m frustrated.”

“Okay,” Jesse rolled his eyes, and rested his cheek against his palm. “Hey. So I uh...I passed all my classes.”

“Really,” Walt smiled, Jesse bashfully returned the expression. In fact the younger man looked very pleased with himself, a little surprised at his own accomplishment. “Good for you.”

“It’s no big deal really. Tons of kids pass their classes y’know. I’ll just be in the living room if you need me for anything.”

“So you’re just staying? Aren’t you even going to ask,” laughed the older man, rubbing the back of his head.

“I thought we moved past that a long time ago,” grinned Jesse as he disappeared down the hall.

And like that he came and went as he pleased. It was like having a housecat that wandered in and decided to stay. Walt wasn’t about to object when he faded in and out of consciousness, the idea of Jesse being around soothed him, in fact he dreamed better.

He wasn’t aware of how sick he was until the day he decided to take a shower, just scrubbing the perspiration and grime away. He caught sight of his wounded knuckles, they had a clean bandage over them. Peeling it off, he let out a pained noise, then rested his head against the tile, closing his eyes slowly.

How many days had passed already?

Walt couldn’t keep track with how out of it he was but he was better. When he walked to the living room he half expected to hear the television on, Jesse sitting on the couch, except he wasn’t. He looked around, peeked his head in each room and found nothing, not even a trace of him.   

Thinking that maybe fresh air might do him some good, he dressed up in a t-shirt and jeans and went outside, the harsh sun shining right down on him. It was so hot and sunny, Walt groaned and got into his car. The headache was far from gone but he still drove on, he found himself listly driving down streets with no destination in mind. He longed to see Jesse’s red toyota parked somewhere, anywhere.

Eventually he passed his house and the car wasn’t there.

Walt let out a huge sigh as he parked in front of the sidewalk.  

Where the hell was the kid?

On the way back home something caught his eye. It was Jesse’s car parked way far back in a cemetery. It was a stretch to think it was him but something urged Walt to go see, he turned his car abruptly, almost colliding into a station wagon.  When he parked next to the Toyota, he looked inside and knew almost immediately that this was Jesse’s, the screwdriver in the ignition.  Walking along the path he spotted a lone figure in the distance, Jesse was wearing a long red sweater and was kneeling next to a tombstone.

Walt immediately expected it to his Aunt’s but as he got close enough to read the inscriptions, he realized it was Jane’s. Flowers were on her grave, a framed picture of her and her father and her mother when she was a lot younger. Her hair shorter, her face fresher than Walt could remember. A chocolate cake at the center of the table.

Shit.

Jesse heard the crunching of leaves underneath Walt’s shoes and turned, looking startled, his eyes red from crying. “Mr. White,” he muttered softly, almost weakly.

“I saw your car. I’m sorry,” Walt retreated, “It was stupid of me, this is an intimate moment.”

“No I don’t care. I’m glad,” the younger man forced a smile, his lips quivering. There was this sort of take me away from this look spelled out on his face. Instinctively Walt wanted to somehow make it all better, shield him from all the hurt he had caused, no matter how necessary the hurt was. His company was the most he could offer.

It wasn’t long before they were back at Walt’s condo, Jesse curled up in his bed.  Walt sat next to him trying to make idle conversation, “I changed out the sheets.”

“Yeah. I can tell. Can you like...turn off the lights.”

Walt nodded and turned them off, staring at Jesse. He couldn’t help thinking of that time when Jesse wanted to hug on the couch, he still regretted not going along with it. There wasn’t anything wrong, there were no further expectations beyond that, it appeared to be what Jesse needed now at the moment.  Taking a deep breath Walt got into bed with him, wrapping his arms around him.  It didn’t feel any less strange but Jesse warmed up to it quickly, he chuckled softly easing up against him. “We’re not drunk enough to get away with this.”

“I thought I would comply at least once, maybe that’ll get you out of my bed and back onto my couch.”

They stayed in the same position for a while, Walt getting less stiff with each passing moment until he eventually gave in. He nuzzled up against the back of Jesse’s neck, he could see that Jesse’s eyes were still open, his light colored eyelashes blinking every second or so.

“I feel like...I feel like I’m just falling,” Jesse broke the silence, his voice cracking.

“You’re getting better, don’t doubt yourself,” Walt nestled closer, curling up his knees to fit in perfectly up against Jesse’s legs.

“Not the kind of falling you think, Mr. White. I feel so guilty.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m falling...falling for you. I know it’s stupid. You can laugh at me if you want,” Jesse turned enough so that Walt could see his face as he plead. “C’mon. Just laugh already.”

“No.”

“No what?”

“I’m not going to laugh.”

“Okay, then call me stupid or something...call me an imbecile.”

“What? No,” Walt’s heart began to speed up but he tried his hardest not to be as easy to read as Jesse was.  The poor kid looked like he was about to cry all over again.  “I hope you don’t think I’m that despicable. In that case you shouldn’t even be here…”

He was cut off by Jesse’s mouth on his own. It was just pure clarity, this was like figuring out the answer to a problem he had been stressing over the night before, drinking beer after beer, eating cup after cup of ramen, his mind running over and over the same thing. Mapping out each possible solution and finding a dead end each time.  Jesse was the answer to everything.

Walt’s lips moved along with Jesse’s, their kiss escalating into something neither of them could control. Digging his fingers into Jesse’s hipbones, Walt could feel Jesse wanting to turn around completely so they could face one another but instead he made him stop, finding the inner strength to break off the kiss completely.

“Jesse. No...I-- Just stay there.”

Nodding slowly, Jesse understood and moved back into their earlier position, his eyes staring blankly at the wall.

Were they just going to go back to pretending? Or did he need some more time to think? Again he felt that resounding guilt, he was stupid, what he was feeling was stupid. He felt Walt bring him in as close as possible, planting a kiss at the base of his neck, the roughness of his beard rubbing against him. Jesse shivered, and felt the warmth return to him, his heart thumping hard. This must be what heaven feels like, he didn’t feel like he was spinning anymore.

“This...this is good enough,” Walt closed his eyes, he felt Jesse relax against him, putting his hand over his.  

Without uttering a single word about what had occurred that night, Jesse left as if nothing had happened. They acted as if there wasn’t a connection, that they hadn’t gone further than they had before.

Spending the next few days alone, the days passed, one just bled into another, the two of them in their own respective residences. And the days they dragged, Walt just feeling his head being pulled into this vortex, a state of mind he just wasn’t comfortable with. He wasn’t about to pick up the phone and tell Jesse he felt something, that he hated living any single moment without him. The bickering, the arguing, the flirting, Walt was stupid to not see it for what it was. Walt felt foolish to not see what this was all leading to. They had both fallen over the edge, and right when he realized this, Jesse was already at his front door.

A backpack slung around his arm, a twelve pack of beer in his hand, the sweetest look in his eyes. It was an olive branch and Walt was too eager to take it.

“I really don’t want P.E. as an elective,” Jesse irritably flipped through the pages of his college course book. “Anything but P.E. Like seriously...what am I going to do? Run a lap while some greasy old guy checks me out? I already had enough of that shit in high school.”

“Well that’s a nice image,” Walt uttered sarcastically as he took a drink out of a thermos.

“So you drink coffee in the middle of the night? That’s a little weird.”

“Gale brewed me a fresh cup before I left work. I had to take it home, kind of a waste not to.”

“Is Gale a girl or a guy,” he tried his hardest not to sound genuinely interested. Jealousy wasn’t a way to describe how he felt, he was just curious if there was anyone else. His heart was already sinking a little, his eyes downcast on the booklet, not focused on anything at all.

“Does it really matter,” Walt cocked his eyebrow taking another drink.

“No I guess not,” Jesse lifted his head realizing Walt was staring at him with a perplexed look on his face, “What? Don’t stare at me like that. Just making conversation, geez.”  

They both grew silent.

Jesse was different.

It was with the change of a look, the way his eyes would glaze over...lost in some fantasy, some hidden dream that Walt wasn’t allowed access to see.

The uncertainty of Jesse’s intentions made Walt feel a little uneasy. He went straight to organizing silverware he’d just taken out of the dishwasher. Whatever rhythm they had before was lost, and any hope of communicating was now waning.  Maybe if Walt had been a different person he would have faced it head on and said something, but he decided to say nothing at all.

Wiping his hands off on a towel he leaned against the counter, his eyes stayed still on Jesse.  The younger man lifted his gaze, staring at Walter’s crotch with his mechanical pencil hanging from his mouth.  Jesse’s eyebrows raised, now Walt was getting a picture of just where his mind was at, he just didn’t know how to react. He probably should have said something, why else was he facing Jesse for no reason at all?

“So uh...is it P.E. or not, I’m sure they’re offering some art classes or something. You like...uhm...drawing right?”

Jesse licked his lips, he wasn’t entirely broken from his train of thought, he almost looked a little lovesick, his cheeks flushed, his lips red.  They got even redder when he slowly licked them, his eyes not leaving Walt’s groin.  Adjusting his pants and shifting in his seat, Jesse stared up at Walt, who seemed a little flustered himself, reliving moments he tried his hardest not to think of. They were flashing, bits of memories, the feelings still attached, the both of them could feel it and it was difficult to disconnect from the moment.  

“Huh,” Jesse blinked quickly, starting to tap the pencil on the table. “Oh I stopped after y’know… Maybe I should go, I’m tired and…”

“Really? But I ah-- I ordered the takeout, it’s already on the way.”

“What did you get?”

“Chinese...we’ve been having pizza far too much.”

Walt had that desperate look on his face, like he was grasping at straws by now, hoping for their purer days.

It was a pretty laughable idea, considering the circumstances.  Jesse didn’t need much time to be convinced that he probably should stay, Walt was being extra generous and kind...the promise free food was a plus too. Maybe some self restraint would prevail, Jesse was smart enough to know that once he’d get home he’d just miss Walt all over again.

When the food got there, Jesse announced he had to take a piss but by then it was obvious to Walt that Jesse was reduced to acting like a caught animal. Taking a bite out of an egg roll when common knowledge would have told him to wait, he hissed from burning his tongue.  Walt dropped it down on the napkin, then rubbed his shoulder, watching the hall where Jesse should have emerged from by now.  Frankly he was getting a little sick of it all, of not living to his fullest, of never taking initiative. With his head held high he made his way to the bathroom, Jesse had just about opened the door.  He looked startled, and much smaller than usual.

This wasn’t the time to hesitate, Walt grimaced and Jesse watched him with a surprised look on his face, trying to read his intentions.

“Yo,” Jesse furrowed his brow, “What’s wron--”

Walt got closer, the two of them staring at each other, the room full of uncertainty. For once Walt made the first move, like a force of nature he kissed Jesse,  pushing him into the bathroom, then taking a hold of him and lifting him onto the counter. Jesse moaned “What the fuck,”  against Walt’s mouth. It was all so much so fast.  Returning to his senses, Jesse reciprocated his affections, wrapping his arms around him, kissing him back. His hands moved underneath the black t-shirt Walt was wearing, eventually getting it off and throwing it to the side. Walt let out the most contented noise, now smiling against the younger man’s mouth,

“You think you want to,” Jesse gasped out as Walt grew fixated with planting kisses on his neck. Hoarsely Walt let out a grunt right behind Jesse’s ear, sending chills down his spine, causing him to curl into Walt.  The older man held him possessively, rubbing his palm against the bulge in Jesse’s pants. “H-Ho Shit. That’s…”

“Huh, you like that,” there was the wickedest smile on Walt’s lips, one that made Jesse groan in annoyance.

“It’s what I’ve been wanting, yeah. It’s about fucking time.”

Returning to the place just below Jesse’s ear, Walt continued devouring him, kissing and eventually sucking his earlobe as he unzipped the younger man’s pants.  Jesse just kept on making the sweetest noises, and right when Walt got ahold of him, he stared down in awe at Walt’s rough hand stroking up and down along the length of his shaft. His eyes nearly bulged out and he moved so that he could make direct eye contact with Walt’s piercing greens. Jesse could see how intoxicated and entranced Walt was with just watching his reactions, absorbing every sweet twitch and moan, Jesse’s delicate mouth forming an o. Crudely Walt spit on his hand and continued, Jesse now thrusting into his palm, his hips sliding further and further until he was dangerously on the edge of the counter.

This was Mr. White.

Mr. Fucking White was giving him a handjob. The best fucking handjob ever.

And suddenly there it was, that single moment Jesse had longed for, his head fell back against the mirror, hands grasping hard at Walt’s naked shoulders. So hard he knew he was leaving bruises and scratches on them, so hard because he didn’t want him going anywhere.

He came all over Walt’s hand, leaving the older man startled at how quickly it started and ended. His eyes were wide as he stared at his hand covered in Jesse’s semen.

This had actually happened.

This wasn’t a dream.

“Oh crap Mr. White,” Jesse shut his eyes and grinned, running his hand through his disheveled hair. “That was the shit!”

“Um thanks,” okay so that wasn’t the most eloquent thing Walt would have liked to say, but to be honest he was winded and frankly pretty dumbstruck. He caught sight of his own reflection and grew embarrassed, but Jesse was already given to go ahead so there was no stopping him now.

Pulling Walt forward by his belt, he started to unbuckle it excitedly, his legs swinging happily. Walt suddenly felt queasy and nervous, giving was easy but reciprocating? Not so much. He was painfully aware of his shortcomings, and Jesse had had to have been with better looking partners. His head was racing, reaching only one conclusion; Jesse was making a big mistake. Still Walt stepped out of his khakis once they dropped to the floor, his eyes searching for Jesse’s.

“C’mon, it’s stupid doing it in here,” the younger man got off the counter and led Walt to the bedroom.  Jesse kicked off his shoes along with his pants and boxers and got on the bed, still only wearing his blue oversized sweater.

Did Jesse know just how adorable and appealing he looked? Probably. The kid always did come across as a complete sex kitten.

It just made Walt more nervous. The image of Jesse in all fours staring at him at the foot of the bed was just too great a sight to see. Urging him closer by pulling at the elastic of his underwear, Jesse lowered them down enough to get out Walt’s penis. And then his mouth opened.

That perfect mouth.

The mouth he had just been kissing.

The mouth that cursed at him time and time again.

The mouth who in complete confidence told him he was falling for him...it was now around his…

Walt was losing his mind, his hands both awkwardly in midair, he just didn’t know what to do with them. He was like in suspended animation from the shock of it all, something this good simply couldn’t be happening.

Jesse tilted his head slightly to the side, his big blue eyes staring up at Walt’s expression, the older man just falling apart. A thought passed his mind again as he thrust against the warmth and wetness, Jesse’s tongue swirling around him. Sucking and tasting, moaning in satisfaction from the act. No objections, no hesitation, just love in his eyes, tenderness.

God what could Walt do? He could feel his heart wanting to explode. He just adored the kid so much and for some reason he was getting more convinced that the feeling was mutual.

He cupped Jesse’s cheek, then moved his hand to his shoulder, then down his back, wrinkling the fabric until he grasped onto the hem  of the sweater. Jesse took the hint and got on his knees, taking it off, throwing it to the side. His body frame was just so small, Walt’s hands went straight to admiring his ribcage, running them along his sides, then down his stomach. Walt brought his hand to hold Jesse’s face, his thumb sliding across his lower lip, holding his mouth open as they kissed. Pushing him down, he hovered above him, Jesse laying back with a vulnerable look in his eyes.

“So just what are you going to do to me, Mr. White,” he chuckled, his lips, chin and neck all red from the roughness of Walt’s goatee adoring every bit of him.

Walt didn’t think he needed to say a single thing, the joke was on Jesse. He lifted his leg a little and positioned him so that their stomachs were against one another. Walt began to move, the friction pressing both of their erections together. Jesse just had to look down, but he immediately threw his head back against the pillow letting out a long groan as Walt started to thrust harder.  Wrapping his hands around Walt’s hips, Jesse lowered his white briefs just enough so that it was around his thighs. Getting lost in the movement, Jesse grasped at Walt’s ass roughly, urging that he wanted it faster and harder. Wanting to feel every bit of Walt on him, his legs desperately sought contact, eventually settling on wrapping them around the older man’s waist.

They moved against each other, their breaths getting more and more ragged, Walt was sweating buckets and buckets, it was hard to get a good grasp on him anymore, so Jesse clung to the sheets. Instead Walt was the one groping and clinging Jesse’s thighs, keeping his legs as spread apart and elevated as he wanted them to be. The tension was just building and building until it was so hard to keep their composure. Walt dropped his jaw open just as soon as he saw stars, Jesse came second, he was unfortunate enough to have all the cum and sweat spill all over his stomach. It wasn’t pretty but it wasn’t half bad either, Jesse couldn’t get rid of the stupid cheshire grin on his face as he stared up at the ceiling, seeing tunnel vision. He stretched his arms over his head, the pillows feeling like a different texture than he remembered them before, tingles spreading throughout his body in waves until they gradually dissipated. Above him was Walt attempting to recover from his own orgasm, his forearms barely holding him up.

“Hey. Hey jerk. Earth to Mars,” Jesse teased, Walt shook his head side to side and smiled. His eyes slowly opening again, god what a sight. Jesse’s hair was all messed up, complete bed head but it was a good look on him, flushed cheeks, hell, flushed everything. He was all different shades of red and it was beautiful seeing him this way, Walt could only imagine how bad he looked.

“What?”

“You got all your spunk on me.”

“Oh sorry,” Walt grabbed a tissue paper from the nightstand and wiped it off, Jesse giggling and sinking his stomach in.

“Isn’t it weird? For a second all our little guys were swimming around together.”

“Well now it sounds weird,” the older man laid on his side, watching Jesse fondly. “So what just happened?”

“Something awesome.”

“Just tell me this won’t be the last time we do this,” Walt said with the cheesiest, goofiest, lovestruck look on his face.  It was so out of character but it didn’t make it any less endearing to be on the other end of that gaze.  

“Depends,” the dirty blond tilted his head sideways flirtatiously, “We eat the Chinese grub and see where we go from there? I’m starving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter picks up where the chapter before this one left off. Sorry for cliffhangers, think of this as a season 2. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!


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